BPD SO needs advice!

Hi Friends...
My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. We've been married for 8 years & I've been able to handle his BPD acting out in a patient and mature manner and keep it from exploding out of control, for 7 of those years. He did have 1 year of weekly therapy sessions with a therapist in 2004, but discontinued it because his therapist told him he had everything under control and no longer needed to go to therapy.

Mid-2005 and 2006, it was like his BPD exploded. He suddenly kicked me out of the house last summer
(ending our relationship), for no cause at all. After 3 months, he welcomed me back. Since then, he has 'suddenly' kicked me out.... 6 more times! Each time, with no cause from me.

We are back together again... trying it one more time, but I can tell it's only a matter of time before he gives me the boot.

We both love eachother very much, are very compatible, and other than his BPD episodes, we get along great.

I need advice! How can I get him to STOP throwing me out?! If I quietly talk to him, while he's on his rant... he tells me I have to move out... and if I calmly say I am not moving out... he'll call the police!

If I calmly tell him the police won't force me to leave our house, because I'm not doing anything wrong, and I'm calm and rational... he threatens to call 911 to tell them I need to go to the mental hospital!

That's not funny, because I know he did that to his 2nd wife (I'm his 3rd) and she's been in-patient about 5 times during their 10 year marriage!

I'm very good with relationship skills and very knowledgable with interacting with troubled people... I also have excellent control over myself and my emotions, even during times of distress...

so my question is....

How do I get him to stop kicking me out of our house?!

Respectfully ~ phoenix

Phoenixdragon', Hello, welcome to PC.
In my exerience, one can't make another do anything.
Hubby is ill. Unpredictablly ill. Depending on him for your security is sorta a set up don't you think?

My suggestion is to sit down and discuss these issues when he is not acting out. Your staying calm and rational doesn't change his state to calm and rational when calm and ratioanl are the farthest things from his mind....... trying to commnicate at such times is irrational on your part.......

Expecting another to change to become who we wnt them to be is a pattern I see in relationships all around me. People miserable where they are and waiting for the other to change. What a self defeating cycle to be caught up in!

Have you thought about some therapy for yourself? Change your focus, help you sort these issues out?

While it's true that you cannot make him do anything, it seems to me that he needs to be in therapy again...it is, if I understand correctly, the only way to control BPD.

Failing that, I think I would consider doing what he threatens you with when he loses control...call 911. I know from experience that can make someone who acts out like that rethink their behavior in the future.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to accept this kind of treatment.

DJ

I totally agree with Davey on this. Also did you guys buy the house together? If so I don't think he can "make" you leave.

hi Hillbunnyb...

I know what you're talking about... and I have no problem accepting many things about others that may irritate or annoy me... it's just part of who they are...

I show that by the way I have been able to have a great relationship with him for the first 7 years of our marriage... he still acted out often, and a lot of stressful situations that resulted from that were thrown our way.... but we got through it all... kinda like a team...

the question I'm asking about in my post, is when his acting out got so severe it now involves kicking me out of the house... only to beg me to come back shortly after....

wanting him to stop doing that, isn't asking too much, in my opinion.

Respectfully ~ phoenix

Hi DJ...

thanks for replying...He's going to be starting therapy again with a supposed better therapist.

As for calling 911, I would only do that if He threatned me with physical violence, or something like that.

I suspect if I did that, He would probably kick me out for calling 911 on Him... after He got done soaking up all the attention it would give Him.

I guess I'd prefer to just pack my bags myself and leave Him before I'd start calling the cops for Him going on one of His rant spells. I don't think I can do that to Him.

*sigh

Respectfully ~ phoenix

Hi Elaine,

I love your big signature graphic!

I owned a large, valuable house on a commercial property when I met Him. The 2nd floor was an apartment actually and He was my first tenant.

With the financial instability that goes along with BPD sufferers, we first built up some nice assets.... totally remodeled the big house, acquired 2 rental houses, a work van, a car... other income producing projects going...

but we lost it all... ended up filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy...

moved to a small rental house.... which was fine... at least we were together....

but along with the continued money mismanagement and then His increased acting out....

He just kicked ME out... then we couldn't even rent the little house anymore... so it's been into apartments since then...

back to what your question was about.... from what I've witnessed by watching others in the past.... it doesn't matter who owns the house... it all depends on who calls the police first....

the one who is supposedly causing a scene is the who has to leave... and therapists I talked with years ago, said the cops may very well take the word of a spouse.... claiming that the other spouse is acting nuts and dangerous... when in reality, that one is just sitting there reading a book.....

what a wake-up call, eh?

Just as you finish up chapter 2 of War and Peace, there's a knock at the door, and you get carted away in a white jacket, not even knowing what the heck is going on.

Our laws suck.

Respectfully ~ phoenix

Forgot to answer your other question, Hillbunnyb *smile

I've gotten therapy much of the time over the years, so has my husband.

We're both in our 3rd marriage, 2 ex's each... and with all of that.... we've both gone to more therapy than anyone...

as for our particular marriage... we've gone to therapy individually... every time I asked him to go to marriage counseling, he said no.

As for me... yes, I have had therapy about this issue.... follow the advice in the BPD workbooks for SO's.

Maybe I should check them again to see if I missed the chapter on what to do if your BPD spouse keeps ejecting you from their life, then begging you to come back.

I thought about us getting a duplex. And when he kicks me out I can just walk next door, maybe if we can ever get our finances back under control, we'll look into that.
*smile

Respectfully ~ phoenix

Goodest Luck!