[iliketherain]

Okay, this may very well be the biggest and possibly best decision of my life. Here goes:

I started dating my boyfriend when I was 18. I am 24 now, and we are still together, so to speak. Anyway, I am going to give a list of issues, and I need advice (if you don't mind) here.

1.) My boyfriend and I briefly dated for a few months, way back at the start. I decided I didn't really like him and broke up with him then. At that point, I started sleeping with another guy, but also hooked up with my ex-boyfriend (at that point) and told him I loved him. He didn't know that I was sleeping with a new guy.
2.) This goes on for awhile. He eventually finds out, confronts me, and acts slightly violent and crazy. We somehow ended up dating again within a few days.
3.) Our relationship continued. It became semi-normal I guess, even though we were both very controlling, jealous, and insecure. We also fought a WHOLE lot. He like to call me derogatory names, in regards to #1 (sleeping with that one guy - even when years had passed). He basically obsessed over it way more than you can ever imagine (seriously!). When things were good, however, they were very good.
4.) We eventually moved in together, and things got worse. I got crazy if he didn't want to spend time with me, and got way jealous when he started spending every night at a bar instead of with me. Things also turned violent when I tried to keep him from going to bars, which resulted in me getting a bloody nose one night.
5.) He moved back home because he graduated college, so we didn't live together anymore. I became more liberated and started actually having friends. Then I started cheating on him.
6.) I started dating another guy when we broke up earlier this year, and the other guy is great. When I broke-up with my ex, I found out he cheated on me with a girl that was supposed to have been my friend (sort of). The thing that I found even crazier, was how much he talked about how he'd never cheat, and always accused me of doing so, in the 3.5 out of 5 years in the relationship when I was not (and he had). It really blew my mind.
7.) I think I am addicted to this relationship, and I started dating my ex again a few months ago. Now I am dating two guys (although I live so far away from both of them, and only talk to them on the phone). One guy is nice to me and the other is horrible (the guy I dated for so long). He, let's just call him "Steve", tells me I can never get mad or worried that he's cheating again, or he'll break up with me. Basically, he doesn't value my emotions at all. The other problem is, that while I'm accusing him, I'm cheating at the same time (even though I'm obviously not having sex with either one of them).

Basically, am I crazy? Do you think he's still cheating on me? (He never answers his phone at night, changed all of his passwords, I catch him in small lies all of the time, etc, etc, etc.) Do I deserve it because I cheated on him? Do you think we should break-up once and for all? (I definitely do, in a way, but I'm so scared.) How do I sever a connection this emotionally charged? (I am afraid I will literally die or flip out - I am WAY too emotional, you really have no idea. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks.) How do I do any of this and make it out alive?

I know I am a horrible, horrible person for cheating on "Steve" in the past. I would try to justify it, by saying things like he was pushing me away, etc, but I know there's no excuse. I really like the new guy I'm dating, and I haven't actually had sex or physically cheated on my new bf with "Steve", but I am still talking to my old bf, and I know that's wrong.

I know I sound completely crazy, like a trashy reality-tv star, but if you knew me in real life, you most like wouldn't think of me like this at all. I just sound that way in terms of my romantic life, and especially in this post.

Please help me. I'm so desperate. I know I should break up with "Steve", and I've known this for the past 3+ years, but I haven't been able to do it. Literally everyone in my life has tried to get me to sever this connection - including my therapist, family, friends, acquaintances, professors (no joke - it's sad I know).

This is going to take a lot of work. I appreciate any help you can provide. Seriously, thank you for reading this and for any responses. You are saving my life.

[Leed]

Yes, you should definitely break up with your ex. For some reason, you must think you deserve this kind of treatment. Why do you think you do? Because YOU cheated? He was treating you like trash even before you thought of cheating! So why would you think you deserve to be treated like this? Are you trying to pay him back for the treatment he gave you? That doesn't work, because they never recognize it as "paybacks." They aren't smart enough.

Cheaters are always cheaters. Once they start they always continue. Are you going to be like that too? Men usually are. Once they cheat on a woman and get away with it, they keep doing it. It's a "macho" thing with them. But why are YOU doing it? It's hurtful to people, as well as to you.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Stay with that therapist and talk about this. Talk about the cheating -- yours as well as your ex's. If you don't understand why YOU are cheating, you'll never stop -- and you'll never have a decent relationship.

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[iliketherain]

I honestly wish I weren't. I don't really have any idea how to get out of this situation. It's weird how your romantic life defines you as a person, and this is definitely a situation I'd rather not be involved in so long.

I am really afraid that I'm just going to resign myself to staying in this situation, for as long as it can continue. I know it's wrong - it's horrible really (especially for the other people involved), but I've become so attached to my first boyfriend, that I don't think I could ever go without talking to him, no matter how bad it gets.

As of tonight, things are better between my old bf and I. It's times like tonight when I feel like staying, but I'm afraid he'll just mess everything up again. It seems like drinking plays a role, in terms of how crappy he is to me, so maybe there's something to be said for that.

It's so very confusing, and I don't know what I want, and everything is scary.

[Harley47]

Hi there. I hope I can help.

I think Lee gave excellent advice, and I think you do need to break up with this guy. In my opinion, he should've been long gone once he gave you the bloody nose, which is entirely unacceptable. I don't care, frankly, what you did or how angry he got. A man never, ever hits a woman. Period. Additionally, he was (and likely is...sorry as I am to say it. He seems sketchy, based on your details of his habits) cheating on you, and I think that the toxicity of this relationship is what is prompting your own infidelity. Since you seem so genuinely remiss about the whole thing, I don't fear you as a "repeat offender." Rather, you seem to me like someone caught up in something a little over your head, and you seek a way out. That, at least, is my assessment.

I know it's scary breaking out of this, as you've known this for six years. But I truly think a break from him and a clean start is the best thing you can do for yourself, along with continued therapy.

Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you my best.

Hugs,
Harley