[no soul]

HI every one. Can anyone help me with this: I'm a single mum with 3 children at home. Last year I met a lovely guy and we dated for 7 months. I really bonded with him and he seemed the same. He treated me really well and I'd never met anyone like him. He was 13 years younger but it didn't seem a problem to him. Then after 7 months he broke it off. He always said he never wanted to get married or have children but I was ok with that as long as he was in my life. He was very upset when it ended and gave a number of different reasons e.g. worried about taking on a family, fear of being judged (he's from a traditional Catholic family), fear of being trapped. At the same time he said he'd never felt this way about anyone, he thought about me all the time - almost an obsession which scared him, and that he wanted to stay friends and always be there for me (I lost my eldest son last year and have suffered some depression and have little support, although I am pretty good at coping with my lot most of the time and was never needy towards him). We ended up back together for a few months but then the same thing happened again. Now, five months later we are still friends and see each other regularly. He's very honest and kind and always reminds me he doesn't want a relationship - he also said the other day that he cares very deeply for me but is not in love (that hurt because deep down I thought he did but was just commitment phobic), wants to stay friends until the day he dies and will always be there for me. He helps me out a lot - off his own accord. I tried to end the friendship recently because I do still love him and find it hard not being intimate with him (he holds off so there's no confusion and says it's not fair on me if we did). He says he'd hate to not have me in his life but will understand if I need to move on - but then tries very hard to keep me in his life. Iam so confused. I looked up commitment phobia and thought he fitted the criterea but maybe I'm just not the right woman for him. I wish I could just be friends because he is the best friend anyone could want. I can just about cope with friendship but I can't bear the thought of him meeting someone else. He says he is not looking right now, but who knows in the future... We get along really great, although he can get stressed and snappy when he's tired from shift work. I could be his friend for the rest of my life if he didin't meet anyone but it's a risk and I wonder if I'd be better breaking away now just in case. He confuses me because he has said he will never settle (his parents had a bad marriage and it's put him off), yet at times he says 'if I'd met you 10 years ago... if you didn't have all the children... if you were younger... things would be different. He's a very honest guy buthe does send mixed signal. The other day he said if he ever settled it wouldn't be with me (the day before he said if only he'd met me 10 years ago... Sorry this is so long winded but I just don't know what to do. Can anyone make sense of this. He's 36 and I'm 48 (I don't look my age - he's always commenting on that - but that doesn't really matter to me). I would love a guy's perspective on this. It's causing me a lot of turmoil inside.

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I think it would be best for you to move on. This guy is definite about some things and mixed up in others -- so he sends you mixed messages. I think he needs therapy, but I don't know how he'd take it if you suggested it. Plus if he DID have therapy, I doubt that he'd stay with you afterwards.

He's made it pretty clear he didn't want children, and especially NOT a ready made family -- so this is not a plus in your favor. And while he may not have come right out and said it, he DID make the remark of "if you were younger" -- and that hurts.

You deserve better than this. This guy isn't going to change -- at least not in your FAVOR. You need to look for someone who will ACCEPT you AND your children just the way you are -- you ALL need to be loved and cherished just as you are!!! Like HE says, don't settle. Move on -- you will get over this guy. Please take good care of yourself, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[healingme4me]

Sorry you are going through this, right now. I can relate to what you are going through, to some extent. I had a guy friend. Seemed like best friends. It's just when a person like yourself or myself who clearly has a built in family, (I have 3 kids, myself), it would be proper for them, to realize that we are expending energy on such friendships and that it's truly leading a woman on, to be a friend, good friend, and yet, unable to snap out of whatever it is and either say, this is what I want or isn't.

I ended up leaving that friendship. It's still fresh, for me. Maybe, the idea that we got along so well, lended itself to some fantasy, that if we could get along well, why not go further than being friends. After all, isn't that what we are taught relationships are supposed to be about? Friendship is the basis of a relationship. The ability to get along.

Wish I had some great advice to give to you, to ease the suffering. Wish I could say that ending it outright was easy. Wish I could say a great many things.

You aren't alone.

[patchwork5]

Laying aside for the moment some of the mixed or hurtful things he's said - since none of us communicate perfectly - it seems like he's been pretty clear about the limits of what he's offering. He said he won't be a husband to you, he said he won't be a parent to your children. Then he offered to be your friend.

It looks to me like the trouble crept in when you said "yes" to his counteroffer when you really meant "no". It sounds like you don't want to be this man's friend. You're hoping his wants and needs change into something that will fit better with you - but there's no particular reason to think that will happen.

I don't know whether or not you should stop seeing this guy, but you should definitely be looking for a different guy. On the one hand, getting even a few of your needs met by him makes it easier to keep your cool while looking for a better partner. On the other, having a close male friend might weird out some prospective boyfriends. Rough call. But you'd do better to look for a man willing to meet your needs than to try and transform this guy into that man. My two cents anyway.