Invalidation? Crazy-Making? Or is it Me?

OK...

Before I start, I should give some background information. Over the summer, I moved out of my parents' house in a small town to the largest city in the state (although it's a small-sized city) - and I even moved to the most popular neighborhood in that city (a gay-friendly neighborhood where all the bars, shops, nice restaurants, post-college crowd live). The only problem I've ever had with the neighborhood is parking! I'm the first person in the family that has moved away because they wanted to (all the others were temporary because they were forced to due to jobs or military - but moved back as soon as they could) - in fact, the majority of my family live in the same town or around the same town. I live the furthest away; about an hour north of them. My family doesn't see why I want to move so far away, and they constantly remind me that they don't see anything that the city I live in now has that the town we are from doesn't have... I'm kind of used to this though, I've never fit in with my family or the people in the area that I'm from (a small farming and blue collar town)... in fact, I literally became shocked and panic when I met and befriended someone up here that I met that had almost all the exact same interests that I did... I had never felt so normal lol! Growing up I was never interested in gun collecting, shooting, hunting, fishing, four-wheeling (or "mudding"), cars, etc. (despite my family's constant, and to this day, continuous effort to get me interested in such things). I was more into literature and the arts (I love theatre, paintings, world music, independent films, etc). So anyway...

I just got back from having holiday dinner with my father's side of the family. On the way there, I had to stop at my mother's house to get something. I just recently lost my job, and she asked how my job search was going. I told her that I applied to several positions on the night shift at a local convenience store (various locations throughout the area). Her reaction was, "All of those are in bad areas..." I know that some of them are not in the best areas, but I wouldn't consider them "bad." I felt frustrated and kind of angry at her reaction - not only because she wasn't supportive (e.g., "I'm glad you are out there applying for jobs!") but also because my perspective on what's a good area vs. bad area is completely different from hers (to sum it up, if it's not a place where only white families are - then it's the complete ghetto).

At dinner at my father's, everyone asks me the expected question of what I do for a living. After I tell them, their response is, "I guess they need those where you live... if I lived there, I'd be having a crisis too!" I often was told that I've lost weight and look great - to which I've say that I've been going on long walks through town and in the park a few blocks away from my house... the next thing I'm told is, "You actually walk out in the open there!? Even after you hear about all those shootings there!" My grandmother constantly tells me that she wishes that I lived there with her, that she misses me and she's really lonely. She doesn't understand why I want or need to move away, and will flat out ask me, "Why don't you want to live with me?" She will then always say, "Well, remember that you always have a home here and you are always welcome!" (which is sweet - but I feel like it's more in a nice-manipulative manner to make me feel guilty). I just want to tell her that I'm happy for what she's done for me and to extend that offer, but I don't see a future for me there and that I'm quite happy with the direction that my life has gone since my move...

Furthermore, I'm currently in undergraduate school studying psychology. My career goal is to become a therapist... and my family knows this. My aunt was talking about having problems with her son, and my stepmother told her that she needs to forget the psychiatrist and the counselor and to take him to church. She said that the boy needs Jesus. She said that psychiatrist and counselors don't help or work... that no one can understand or help people, only God. She said this with me beside her.

Then, my family will always ask me if I have a girlfriend, if I'm talking to any girl, etc. despite the fact that they all know that I'm gay. But it's something that they don't acknowledge, and if I say anything remotely gay then it's ignored as if I didn't say anything. In fact, the only time that it is acknowledged is when I made the move to the city ("Oh! The only reason you want to live there is because of the gay people...") or when I volunteered for the Obama campaign ("You're only supporting Democrats because they bought your vote by supporting the gay agenda... the government relies on stupid people like you!").

I'm not sure why I'm posting here about this. I guess I want to know if other people have the same sort of problems with their family. Am I wrong? Am I right? I never say anything back or pass judgment... but I'm getting tired of hearing it again and again... Is this invalidation? Are they crazy-making me?

Pepsiholic,

I'm sorry that your family isn't supportive to you. Their attitudes do sound judgmental and invalidating to me.

Imo, what's important is your happiness and satisfaction with life. I'd advise you to have a heart to heart talk with family members who feel more supportive and open. Tell them how you feel ~ that you feel as though the family isn't supporting your decisions to live a different life. It hurts your feelings, and you wish that you could come up with ways to work through these differences of opinion with the family. Does this person (or people) have any ideas to help you?

Regarding your grandmother's comments, it's possible that she simply loves and misses you. In my vast experience with the elderly, they often become very lonely in that stage of life. Many feel as though everything that they love so much is leaving them. It's a very difficult phase of life. So, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt ~ and thank her for wanting to remain close with you. Perhaps you could send letters to her once a month (or whatever), updating her on your life & asking what's happening in hers. Showing interest in her means so much!

There is a support community on this site, in case you haven't spotted it yet, aimed towards gay people & those who love them. Perhaps you could find some very helpful support and understanding in that forum.

Very best wishes to you!

Oh you SO needed to get out of there. Before you turned into Uncle Whatsisname on the Honey BooBoo show. Congratulations!

I hope this helps.About 90 percent of what you are telling us is your family acting like your family (and like a ka-billion other families who always think they know best for everyone else in the family) and the rest could be concern for you being gay (someone might hurt you, you might get sick, etc.).

Your grammie is probably indulging in a fantasy that you'll come keep her company and be a child for her to fuss over again. I view what she is doing is expressing love for you and a bit of loneliness for herself.

That negative "danger, danger, bad, bad, doom, gloom" stuff is what you have to let roll off your back. People who have never lived in a big city may very well view it as a dangerous place. Your family may also think you are somehow rejecting them by your choices (forget the fact that you're an individual entitled to make decisions about your own life). I'd suggest nodding and reassuring them you're careful ("I'd only choose the safer neighborhood to work in, Mom"). You probably cannot change their ideas about 'ghettos' or their fears about other races, but as you feel it necessary you can insert what you see as the truth: "Not all mixed neighborhoods are ghettos...etc." or just let most of it roll off your back: "You worry too much, Mom. I'm an adult and you taught me what I need to know to get along with others..." that sort of thing. Some "I love you" applied liberally also helps.

Enjoy the city. I live in a big city. It has its share of danger (which I wouldn't mention to worried relatives) and a big dose of weird and a lot of people all marching around to their own drummers (I include myself here). I love it but I'm going to be glad to retire to a quieter life (when I am about a hundred and eleven and can retire).

It's definitely NOT you. Even though the majority of your family is misguided, they really only have the best of intentions. But you know what they say about where good intentions can lead you...

Good for you for getting out of there and living your life on your terms. I would imagine that their judgements towards your orientation, career goal and job are all incredibly invalidating. Just as others have mentioned, gently remind them that these are your choices and that you are happy. If they still argue with you after that, then just ignore them. If they love you, your happiness should matter. Simple as that.

Just to address the title of your thread: being invalidated constantly by those closest to you is incredibly crazy-making. Simply maddening. It creates a situation where you totally fight to be heard and acknowledged, to no avail. And as the invalidation continues, so does the gaslighting and denials. You hold on for dear life to reality, your truth, but it is a no win as long as you are around these people.

What you feel and experience is real. They are the ones with the problem. This type of emotional abuse is one of the worst kinds because it creates a situation where you are constantly battling for acceptance. Banging your head against the wall over and over hoping for a different result.

I hope you will stay here, keep posting, regain your self esteem and believe in yourself. It is not you.