[Jenn1fer82]

Well I had tried talking to my bestfriend of what I've observed of their marriage and things didn't go well and I was prepared for it. At all cost she protected her husband and the lies that she have lived by so comfortably with for almost 4 years now. I had brought it to her attention that for years now she have voiced her frustration to me and in front of me she shows me that she wants to put her stand and to be respected in their marriage. But with her subtle actions through their marriage she shows to her husband that she does believe that she is not worth validating herself but waits on hands and knees for her husband to validate her instead. I had brought up examples of what I had seen and she had every excuse in the book of life to say that I had made it into such a big deal. example 1: She had wrote him a letter in explaining her feelings about a argument they had. As I saw them walk toward me, even though I didnt hear what was said but what I saw was enough. He took her letter that was clearly and repeatedly written, crushed it in his hand in a ball and walked 2 feet in front of her as she looked to the side. She tells me that he read it so whats the big deal if he crushed the letter or not. She tells me that she didn't expect him to frame the letter but I asked her to question the actions that were used that day. Was that how she was going to settle for him to knowledge her feelings. He may not agree to them but what about respect? example 2: As we were on our vacation and she had expressed to me that she was ill, tired and that she wasn't able to eat so well, never once did I hear her husband to comfort her and to ask her how she's doing. Never once did I hear him encourage to try to eat more or to go back to the hotel room to rest with their 3 year old son. Instead she waited in the long lines in Disneyland with their sons sleeping in the stroller and her husband enjoying himself on the rides. He enjoyed a full course meal as she shared a kids meal with her son. Her excuse was that the only reason why he didn't show any concern toward her was because I had offended him so he just stayed quite most of the time. So I had upset him and that gave him the right to not care about her? During the trip I asked her if she would like to go back to the room with me to rest or that I could buy her a full lunch she would refuse but I know that if her husband had offered the same thing she would run to it. I told her that it is more then just him not treating the way she deserves but what hurts the most is that she believes that she doesn't deserve more then the crumbs he hands over. During our vacation her husband kept making comments about how he wanted a beer. He knows that my bestfriend and I both take it personally when it comes to drinking and I just didn't understand how he felt it was okay and respectable to make such comments in front of us. My bestfriend had become so defensive that she had hurt me so bad by saying that I would also drive her to drink also. I couldn't believe I heard those exact words coming from her mouth. She was next to me when 4 years ago when I was a victim of rape because the demon set me up and took advantage me when I was set up to have too much to drink. Ever since that night the smell of alcohol takes me back to that awful night. Things had gotten too heated and emotional between my friend and I that we haven't spoken ever since. example 3: On their household shopping list for everything she settles for all the generic things possible but he must always gets the best. I don't think he demands for the best but this is an example of how she treats herself in the marriage. As she strolls through the aisle she talks to herself that she could settle for the generic soap because its close enough to the real thing but no matter what she thinks of her husband so dearly that she could never give him second best. I know generic soap is not a big deal but I hope you can understand why it hurts me so much to see how my bestfriend lives this way. We're not on speaking term and I know I'll never be able to talk to her about this ever again because she's shown me that she'll hurt me so badly just to protect her false dream. Now I know that for years now she never wanted me to give her advice but to simply give her a hug and look away. She deserves so much more but deep in her heart she doesn't believe so.

[valexand]

Her situation is pretty much her own problem now. The only thing you needed to do as a good friend is to point out a few things and then stand aside. They form a new unit, a family. It doesn't have to be the ideal-functioning family (who has seen a family like that?) but it better work out somehow for the sake of the kids. Your friend has to succeed in maintaining the peace and find a type of happiness on her own. It can be bothersome for her to have you constantly pointing out the bad things that are happening. In this way you are cancelling her choice to start a life with this man. You are cancelling her present life and you are only confusing her. Step away for a while. Give her space and if she still considers you as a valued friend, she will process the info you provided her. You were a unit with her in the past, in the previous chapter, as good friends, but things are different now.

I am sorry your friend spoke like that to you.

Just a few things. First, she is lucky to have you as a 'true' friend.

Second, I advise you to step away now. The ball is in her court. You did the best you could, you've been a shoulder to cry on, you've been a true friend to her... which some people seem to take for granted. I'm not saying she is, but seeing she is willing to close her eyes re her husband's behaviour and spoke thus to you, this shows that she is not ready to listen and/or change yet. Thus, she will always 'choose' him rather than listen to her friend. This might or might not change, but it is best if you take your distance now as SHE could hurt you more in the long run.

I've been in a similar situation and it hurts when your supposed 'friend' behaves thus. I feel for you...

[LMo]

I agree with what everyone here has said, including you. You definitely have stable insight into your position in the situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be hard to watch a friend go through life like this