[ladydove]

I feel like I keep messing things up. Please help me make sense of this mess im so upset and confused.
I moved in with my partner just before Christmas in November. We have known each other for about 7 years and been together 5 of those years and we would see each other one night midweek and some weekends he can be quiet and distant which is what I think I’m struggling with our relationship or am I expecting too much?
Last year I thought it was time and I wanted to take things forward and we discussed moving in but I think it was me that pushed for it and deep down I think I wanted to see if it could work us being together and if it didn’t it would help me make the decision to move on.
I rented out my flat so I had nothing to lose. The first week was great we set about his place finding room for my stuff. I knew he struggled about me moving in and made little comments that I had too much stuff and other comments I tried ignore him I even left some of my things at my mothers.
I was so happy and excited to be with him and then things just started to go downhill as he said tonight I just haven’t been here full time to see the way he is and can be, his moods change quite quickly and he says he doesn’t like a lot of people or being around them and this includes me sometimes and that he like his own space, he can be cold and distant when I see him being distant I tend to ask questions as I think there is something wrong, or that it’s me, it then it turns into an argument and that’s when he gets verbally abusive and then he speaks to me like a piece of crap and I’m so tired of letting him and other people walk over me.
The two of us have been under a lot of pressure lately he has 2 kids, different mothers, strained relationships, gave up his job the week after I moved in to go self-employed due to maintenance payments that would have left him without any money to live on. (I didn’t know this before I moved in) He assured me that he was still going to make payments which he always has and will continue to do so as I would not agree with that. So he was using his savings to get by until his business account was set up but dragged his heels getting it set up it should be completed this week. The savings didn’t last long so once they ran out I started to pay for things food…the bills…Christmas presents for both families etc…I could see he was getting down about it but I told him not to worry about it that that we help and support each other through everything and it would be sorted as soon as the account was set up and he could pay me back…I have never had issues with money with him he’s a very proud man and very much wants to be the provider. I just see it getting him more down but I don’t understand why he’s not pushing things forward for his own benefit. I have been trying to support him by doing the books etc and the cheques are coming in just no account to go into? I was trying to encourage and motivate him but he just seems to be getting worse and very negative he has always be one for saying life’s crap! He was even asking me to deal with the accountant and as usual I said yes and then I’ve tried taking a back seat by saying to him he needed to call and every time I asked him if he called he didn’t? So at the moment there’s a bit of tension between the 2 of us.
With me I have a really high pressured job with tight deadlines and I’m struggling to be focused and keep on top of things I’m letting my personal life affect everything. Sometimes I can let my work fill up my time so I forget what’s going on with my life and so I don’t need to think about it. My partner and my family mean the world to me, with moving I have left my family, mother and 3 sisters & friends it’s not too far about 1 hour away but we have always been a close family and I still keep in touch. In the last 12 weeks since the move I have had the flu 3 times and last week ended up violently sick with the Noro-Virus. Its 2 hrs each way to drive to my work from here but I had been looking for a new job for a while in the hope of getting somewhere nearer home so I’m still looking. In November one of my sisters was really down and to cut a long story short she needed a lot of money and had problems with her partner so I sat her down and helped her work things out and I gave her the money to clear the debit it was a stressful few months it just upset me so much seeing her so hurt I would do anything for her. While this was going on my friend was ill in hospital so I was trying to cope with work, travelling, my sister, visiting my friend at the hospital, dealing with my partners business, the finances and my relationship falling to pieces. I was starting to distance myself and starting to resent everyone so I became more and more quiet. Then the week before Christmas I was really unwell and I guess the way I felt was that no one was there for me my partner didn’t even ask how I was he’s very much you just get on with it, I also have this mindset but I have never ever been as ill as this. I hadn’t heard from them so I didn’t bother either I got so caught up in my own feelings and was really down over Christmas & New Year. Sometimes I think to myself that I’m only okay if I’m busy at work or helping and fixing others people’s lives to keep myself busy because I don’t need to recognise that I’m not happy myself or with my own life…when I stop, I think too much or sometimes waste the time I’ve got staring into space.
I am a fighter or try to be so I dusted myself down and gave myself a shake I used to love to draw so I’ve joined an art class I know I need to focus on me and the rest will fall into place I need to stop trying to fix things and start on me I just hope I don’t give up on me again I’ve been doing this for years and I’m getting so tired.
Tonight I just wanted a cuddle and to make love with my partner and he said he was tired and had lots of things on his mind and I asked why does he keep pushing me away even when I go to kiss or touch him he pulls away it just turned into an argument again. I said to him why are we doing this to each other after all these years and he said he cant do this relationship stuff I said why have you held onto us for so long then and he said no it was me. It’s the first time Ive thought about it maybe hes right but I cant hold onto us if he doesn’t want me. God please give me the strength to deal with this. I feel really lonely …oh I’m soooo confused here…I love him…Ive told him he’s hurting me….that I’m upset,angry, that I feel let down, when I was trying to talk to me put his hands to his ears and said he had heard enough of me yacking on… I just want him to hold me in his arms and hold me like he used to!
Please what should I do?

[IowaFarmGal]

Can you call it a failed experiment and leave his space? It doesn't seem to be working very well for either one of you does it? I wish you well. It is a tough situation to be in.

[Rose76]

You're right. You do keep messing things up. You are hoping this man will become different. He can't. He won't. Go back to your flat. Or go anywhere that will get you out of his place as soon as possible. Don't worry how he will manage financially without you.

He liked things the way they were before you moved in. He saw you as meeting his needs. That's why he's been available for years. But he's not available for what you want. Accept that. It's awful hard, but accept that. Then let him go.

You find your identity in meeting the needs of others. Go volunteer for some worthy cause and do that in a healthy way. You'll meet others who are giving and good hearted. You might even meet a new boyfriend. But let this man live without the pressure of you wanting him to be what you want. I'll repeat: He can't. Don't judge him; just let go of him. And don't let him cling to you.

I made a similar tragic mistake. I'm still in the middle of a mess. I probably wouldn't have listened to advice. Most likely, you won't either. You are well on the way to ruining your life.

Look at the past 5 years as a valuable time of learning. It had its pleasant moments. It's okay to feel warm about those. But get out before you get any older. If you do, someday you will thank yourself.

[ladydove]

Hi Iowafarmgirl,
thank you for your reply I know what you mean I just hoped this experiment would last forever I don't want to hurt him or me anymore it makes me do sad to think about the truth and what I should do. Again thank you kindly