[Abouttolosemyself]

Help me!!
Idk what to do, I met a man 2 years ago that I used to date in high school...long story short we quickly fell in love...I moved in...I knew he had a problem with addictions in the past, but thought they were under control...we are on our second breakup now...I always leave him...I can't take the chatting with other women, gambling, drinking, and occasional drug use...I love this man with all my heart and when things are good, we are awesome...he tells me he does not want to be with me right now, but will not let me move on, he calls constantly, texts, and sabatoges any possible relationship with guys that are just friends...he tells me constantly I'm his soulmate nd we will get back together...he has drained me physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially, after I gave it my all and loved him unconditionally!! I just found out that long ago he was diagnosed as bipolar, but refuses to take meds...it all makes sense to me now, the addictions, mood swings, the small things he does...My life has been constant drama, ive lost friends and family defending him..i confronted him and he agreed to seek help...I can't sit around and wait for him to get better, if I'm just a safety net...I mean I'd love to open his brain and know what he is thinking, am I really the girl he loves? Im the first long term relationship he has had in his lifw and he is 38...Is he staying away to really get help and just wasting my time? I can't keep living waiting helping for nothing...for him to get better and walk away...help

If he is a cheater and it's happened more than once like it sounds like please do not attribute this to addiction and/or his bipolar disorder. It has absolutely zero to do with it. I am bipolar and have always been faithful to my SOs whether it was a gf or a wife. Yeah I'm single now but both times it was do to their infidelity or need to be with others not mine.

He doesn't sound serious at all and he's using you as a play thing, as you say, a safety net. He wants to keep you stringing along and I get the feeling it's like just in case he runs out of other women to mess around with if you ask me. Why else would he not want to be with his soulmate? It makes no sense that he's calling you, texting you, won't let you go but won't have you all the way?

He's not worth it and he's playing a game that you don't need to be a part of. You fell in love quickly? Rarely does love that happens so fast = long term stability. The fires that start so fast unfortunately either burn out quickly or are full of explosions along the way in one way or another.

You need to walk away and if he's serious about getting better he will do it faster when you really cut ties off for awhile. If he is, he'll do that and you'll have a better man in the end, if not... you're free anyway.

I wish I had better news for you but it all sounds bad to me. My heart goes out to you *hugs*

~s4

[Anika.]

I agree with Sandman, it's easy to attribute this kind of behavior soley to the illness once you know about it. But people still have their own personalities, and other problems along with it. Even if he didn't have bipolar he could still bahave the same way.

I also have bipolar, I don't cheat, gamble, use drugs, drink, or hurt people I love like this. So while the bipoar might complicate things it is not the only factor. I also refuse to take meds. The medications do not automatically change anything. And for tons of people the meds seem to do not much good at all, or cause other problems. From what I have seen most people with bipolar who find stability have had to work very hard for it, and it seems usually it is that hard work they put into their own wellness is what brings the most change. Meds can help people get there, but it will probably take more than a perscription.

If he is serious he has to really want it for himself and will do it with or without you. Bipolar just is not an excuse to treat people like this. Sabatoging your relationships with your friends, telling you he cannot be with you and at the same time keeping you in his pocket.

I would walk away, and find someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated. Like Sandman said if he is going to get help and change he will, if not he won't and you will at least be free from the drama and heartache. He does need to be accountable for himself.

[Abouttolosemyself]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

If he is a cheater and it's happened more than once like it sounds like please do not attribute this to addiction and/or his bipolar disorder. It has absolutely zero to do with it. I am bipolar and have always been faithful to my SOs whether it was a gf or a wife. Yeah I'm single now but both times it was do to their infidelity or need to be with others not mine.

He doesn't sound serious at all and he's using you as a play thing, as you say, a safety net. He wants to keep you stringing along and I get the feeling it's like just in case he runs out of other women to mess around with if you ask me. Why else would he not want to be with his soulmate? It makes no sense that he's calling you, texting you, won't let you go but won't have you all the way?

He's not worth it and he's playing a game that you don't need to be a part of. You fell in love quickly? Rarely does love that happens so fast = long term stability. The fires that start so fast unfortunately either burn out quickly or are full of explosions along the way in one way or another.

You need to walk away and if he's serious about getting better he will do it faster when you really cut ties off for awhile. If he is, he'll do that and you'll have a better man in the end, if not... you're free anyway.

I wish I had better news for you but it all sounds bad to me. My heart goes out to you *hugs*

~s4

Ur right, I know that's exactly what he was doing, I mean I'm not trying to sound arrogant or anything but I was way too good for him to begin with...while we spent the last 15 or so years apart, I was getting my masters and buying and house and he was playing and spent a good while in rehab!! I say we fell in love quick cause we had the love long ago I guess...as far as the cheating, I've read a lot about bp and they are sometimes seeking out people who they feel will save them...I also Kind of feel that he had a sex addiction...it was just a roller coaster, so in love for three months, then a month of hell, over and over, I can't say I didn't try, and almost lost wverything I had, and he doesn't care, it's all my fault....I've been just ignoring him, he won't stop tho!! Thanks for the advice, I need to read it til I "get it"

[Abouttolosemyself]

This is what I needed to hear...I'm relieved that no one is saying if I love him I will stick by his side...I'm tired...he has caused me to lose my family, friends, and if I wouldn't have left, probably my kids too...everyone thinks I'm crazy and a cheater cause all he does is tell people the things I do wrong to make him look like the victim...I feel like he has sold me out when all I did was love him unconditionally

[Anika.]

Well he sounds pretty toxic for you. Love is hard, and can blind us a bit or a lot at times. Maybe if you put some distance between the two of you, you will be able to sort things out better in your heart and head. I have been in a very bad relationship and I know it really is not easy. I know there is hopeing they will change, guilt over not "sticking it out", and probably guilt for putting youself first. At least that is what I experienced. Relationships like this also do quite a number on our self esteem making it more difficult to break free.

I know if you look up bipolar you will see all those things listed as symptoms. But a good look around will show you that just as many people with Bipolar do not partake in those things, it really is a lot more complicated. Yes though the moods can make it harder to be rational there are still choices. How we grew up, how we think about the world, ourselves and others, how we learned to cope, core beliefs and values, things like cognitive thought distortions as in black and white thinking and that kind of thing, plus many other factors make up and influence the choices we make. So it really is complex. Whether we learned it growing up, were not shown otherwise or whatever helped us arrive there, we are adults now and we are now responsible for what we do with these things. Whether we will continue along the same, get help, make choices to better ourselves it all comes down to us and personal responsability in the end . If you can make the changes and choices that you need to make in your own life I am sure that will also lead to you living more closely the life you want to be living.

I hope you can lend yourself the same compassion you have given him. You sound very capable of that. It sounds like abusive behaviour to me, and doesn't sound like there are many reasons to stick around for more. I hope you can rebuild those relationships that were lost if they were healthy ones. I am sure that is possible in many cases.

But stick around here if you need support and people to talk to, it's a really good place for that. And I know this isn't easy. It's good to have somewhere to go like this when you need to find that strength. Maybe in the end he will take the steps he needs to, to be in a relationship with you that is healthy. But until then you can rebuild and repair your own life. Or you might find someone else that is ready for that healthy relationship and who will love you in the same way, treat you with respect and honour your relationship. If it sounded to us like he was serious about changing and was willing to offer you what you need then I think people would be more encouraging for you to stick by him.

I wish you the best with this!

Originally Posted by Abouttolosemyself

I've read a lot about bp and they are sometimes seeking out people who they feel will save them...

Could be true but also could be one of many disorders that can cause people to seek out others on the greener side of the fence but it really just comes down to a matter of faithfulness and commitment. There is always someone that can "look" like the greener pasture but it still comes down to choice. BP, BPD, HPD, I don't care, they all still have the ability to make choices to follow their temptations or deny them.

[hamster-bamster]

You wrote "gambling, drinking, and occasional drug use". I do not know what you meant by occasional drug use (what drugs? how frequently? etc.), but to me, gambling alone would rule this person out. I also do not know what you meant by drinking but if it is heavy drinking, then, again, to me it would rule this person out. Bipolar is OK, but gambling and heavy drinking are not. You have only one life to live. Plus, I agree with Anika that he is toxic for you. I know from experience that when YOU start to, quoting you, "lose my family, friends" then it is sheer abuse and you need to drop the guy.

I sincerely hope that once you drop him, you will eventually be able to regain your family and friends.

[Abouttolosemyself]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You wrote "gambling, drinking, and occasional drug use". I do not know what you meant by occasional drug use (what drugs? how frequently? etc.), but to me, gambling alone would rule this person out. I also do not know what you meant by drinking but if it is heavy drinking, then, again, to me it would rule this person out. Bipolar is OK, but gambling and heavy drinking are not. You have only one life to live. Plus, I agree with Anika that he is toxic for you. I know from experience that when YOU start to, quoting you, "lose my family, friends" then it is sheer abuse and you need to drop the guy.

I sincerely hope that once you drop him, you will eventually be able to regain your family and friends.

Basically, adderall, but he is not prescribed it and he over does it...drinking maybe a six pack daily but cases on the weekends...he's just idk, off the charts, he doesn't want to let me move on but he's trying to hook up with any girl that will give him attention, he has harassed a guy I am only friends with and changes his mind about us every five minutes, so I'm losing mine, I know I gotta break it off and never look his way again, but man he texts and texts til I give in and respond...I'm exhausted

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Abouttolosemyself

Basically, adderall, but he is not prescribed it and he over does it...drinking maybe a six pack daily but cases on the weekends...he's just idk, off the charts, he doesn't want to let me move on but he's trying to hook up with any girl that will give him attention, he has harassed a guy I am only friends with and changes his mind about us every five minutes, so I'm losing mine, I know I gotta break it off and never look his way again, but man he texts and texts til I give in and respond...I'm exhausted

OK, so he abuses amphetamines. That is not good. Binge drinking. Not good either. Harassing your male friend while hooking up with female friends - double-standard, which is disgusting.

I do not text much so I am not in the know about texting. If he emailed you massively, I would would suggested filtering out his emails in your email client. I do not know if phones can filter out texts from a particular person. Does anyone know? But the general advice is to let technology deal with it if you know that you would give in as a vulnerable human.

[Abouttolosemyself]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

OK, so he abuses amphetamines. That is not good. Binge drinking. Not good either. Harassing your male friend while hooking up with female friends - double-standard, which is disgusting.

I do not text much so I am not in the know about texting. If he emailed you massively, I would would suggested filtering out his emails in your email client. I do not know if phones can filter out texts from a particular person. Does anyone know? But the general advice is to let technology deal with it if you know that you would give in as a vulnerable human.

Yea well I guess I haven't been 10o% honest, I still wanted to hold on to him, idk why, maybe because when he did love me in the beginning it was intense love I've ever known...which I attribute to the bipolar, but now he is just a sick mental case, which isn't the illness, it's him, I have lost my job, sold my house, and now I am standing by myself after everyone warned me!! He will sell me out in a second, he has stolen my prescribed pills, he has ruined my reputation with his words, and Facebook posts, all while whispering "I love you" in my ear!! He is not someone I even want to love anymore!! Reading the posts makes me sick that I was that stupid!! God!! Tonight proved it all, he spent all day telling me how much he loved and missed me, then pretended to be deathly ill, to get me to his house then freaked out when he found out I told someone I was going there, he is a liar, manipulator, and a sick human being!! I need to block him from any way of contacting me!! I realize that his words mean NOTHING!! Thanks for everyone's help!!

[Anika.]

Oh wow, I am so sorry, pretending to be deathly ill... that is terrible, let's hope he doesn't have to actually experience being dealthy ill for real.

Please don't beat yourself up about it, you probably have had enough bashing around for a while now. It does happen, and that's what they mean when they say love is blind. It's a lot easier for other peopke to see it looking in then when you are actually in it.

I had a very sick very abusive ex. I know what it's like to keep hoping that the one you fell in love with returns. My ex once cut his own testicle so he could get out of the house to buy drugs. I didn't even know he was doing drugs, and yes I would have been extremely upset. He did that so he could say he was going to the ER. Saidbhe did it while shaving... Talk about weird. Your ex pretending he is dealthy ill just reminded me of that. It's games.. and some kind of illness, what does that to a person?

It is hard to let go, but I think you will be able to find your happiness again. Thia would be too much for anyone.

I am not sure how you can block someone from texting. But I am sure it can be done. In the meantime maybe find a way to focus on yourself, a way to nuture yourself a bit and get back to being you and enjoying it. Maybe try to find some things that you can strengthen yourself with in a healthy way. Breakups are hard, but the missing him will pass. And sometimes it is good to rememeber what we don't miss at least until we get passed this part.

I know it's so hurtful, just try to take care of yourself best you can!