[caligurl09]

To give you a little background, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He is 36 years old and still living at home. When we began dating, everything was really good. We have gone on vacation out of state together twice. In the beginning, he told me things, such as “I really like you a lot.” We spent a lot of time together and talked on the phone/texted constantly. At about the six month mark of our relationship, however, he began to get really depressed. He was out of a job at this point and starting to run low on money in the bank, which included his savings. He has his bachelor’s degree, yet was having no luck finding a job. Before I met him, he had a job in another field, which he also moved out of state for, yet that didn’t work out. At this point, he started to withdraw from me. All he wanted to do was stay home and sleep or go on the computer. He had no interest in going out (which we used to do all the time), or even talking on the phone. He would rarely call/text me, but when I called him he would always answer or call back within a short amount of time. He told me that I was the only person he would even answer the phone for at this time. He wouldn’t even answer when his best friend called. One thing he told me was that he couldn’t go out and do anything fun anymore because he was running so low on money, which I understood. I told him we could do other things, like go for a hike or a picnic even, things that don’t cost anything.
Over the course of the next few months, we had some problems in the relationship, but we eventually got past them. At one point we were off and on for a couple of months. He got really angry with me at one point and said some not so nice things to me via text message, but quickly apologized saying that he got really emotional when he said those things. Previous to this argument, I had asked him if he saw a future with me and he said, “I don’t know.” However, after the text incident, he said that he realized he thought did see a future with me. We were having some differences again after this and he broke things off saying we were incompatible. After a few weeks, we got back together and decided we wanted to try and make it work. We got back together in November, and things have been going pretty well since, except that because he still is unemployed and can’t find a good job, he is depressed again. When I asked him about the future more recently he said that it’s hard to plan for a future with me when he doesn’t even have his own future planned out. Basically, he wants to get his ducks in a row before talking about a commitment. We have been dating for a year now and have never said, “I love you” to each other. This recently got brought up in a conversation when he told me he couldn’t give me anymore emotionally right now. When I asked him what that meant, the topic of love got brought up, and he said he doesn’t feel that for me. Then he told me that it’s not just me, he wouldn’t feel it for any girl right now. He said he’s never really been in love and he only thinks he loved his ex who he was with for 7 years before me. To me, it sounds like as of right now he is emotionally numb though because of the depression, He told me that he doesn’t have strong feeling for anything right now. Also, he has the classic signs of depression, including a lower sex drive recently.
My question is, Does it sound like maybe he doesn’t feel love for me right now because of the depression? He did tell me that I was the closest one to him loving if he did love anyone. He also told me that he has always had a hard time expressing his emotions even to his family. He does show me that he cares through his actions though. I’m just starting to wonder if he will ever feel love for me or if it sounds like he never will. I know I love him, but haven’t directly told him that, yet I’m pretty sure he knows. I have gone through depression before, but didn’t experience those same emotions myself so now I’m just confused as to what might happen. Thank you for reading. Also, sorry so long.

[hamster-bamster]

What is he doing to treat the depression at present? Exercise, therapy, medicatioons...? You did mention telltale signs of depression but did not mention what is being done to counteract it.

[blondie123456]

the first thing that comes to my mind- since he is having issues with money, he probably doesnt want to commit on fear of not being able to provide for you. men naturally like to be providers for their families and without money, he probably feels he cant do a good job of that. he went to school for four years, most likely has alot of school loans to pay, and cant get a job now. if that was me i would feel like a failure and just wasted my time and money. he probably wont tell you that if he has a hard time expressing his feelings..he doesnt want you to look at him in a negative light. he wants to be your rock to lean on, not someone who needs help with money or a loser who cant get a job. when i first got together with my bf he told me that he loved me alot sooner then i would.. i just wasnt ready to say it and i didnt really feel it at the time. so just because he cant say it yet doesnt mean he never will. im kind of in the opposite situation, my bf and i tell eachother we love eachother all the time, but yet he has told me he will never marry me because we are not compatible. but when we try to break up, neither one of us wants to end it fully, so we always end up back together. to answer your q's - depression can take its toll on anyone..that doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt love you. hes just going through a hard time right now and probably needs you more then ever. id say give it time and maybe look up tips on fighting depression..maybe little things you can do like exercising together (releases endorphins), make him his favorite meal, just little things to make his day? try to make him feel needed. hope this helps, good luck

[Odee]

I can assure you that depression can make you feel like you can't love. I went through a period where I feared that the lack of happiness and enjoyment I had felt around my BF was an indicator that I didn't love him anymore. It was the depression talking. I couldn't feel cheer about anything, including the good lovey feelings you would want to experience around your partner.