[rad17]

Hello this is my first and complicated post. I was engaged to a filipina for 4 years and had a baby. We were very happy then she decided she didnt love me anymore and wants me out of her life EXCEPT she still wants all the financial support to continue. She and her family were very poor and I brought them out of the slums so to speak. She is honest in that she doesnt love me as much anymore or only soemtimes. She knows and I know that if I dont support her and the family they will fall and fall hard. She is uneducated so her or her family finding any work is a tough one. I have my own problems. I still love her and the baby but cant continue to give her support without a relationship. Im not going to take care of the whole family and give money so she can go to school and have a great time with her friends and even get boyfriends on my bill. If we are finished I need to seperate myself completely so I can heal. If I have ANY contact for support or otherewise I can never heal. I want to somehow save my relationship and my baby. She is 21 (young I know but not so much for that culture) and her younger and older sisters are completely stable. But she decided that she has more fun with her three girlfriends and wants to go out almost everynight instead of being home with me and the baby. She is acting very childish right now and not thinking of the future when I pull out all support so Im tryign to be patient but my patience is at an end. Her mother is a single mom with three daughters to three different men so I think Im dealing with some issues that got passed down. So Im heartbroken and I dont want them and my baby to end up in some filthy slum again but she is driving me to it. Im thinking of reverse psychology as a last resort. She is somewhat susceptable to it . So I stoped calling her. Now she is calling me but Im not answering the phone. That part is working on at least some level (missing me, wondering where I am, and of course MONEY). My question is how do I play this out when I decide to answer the phone? How do I seperate the money issue out? If I continue to give her money Im renforcing bad behavior. If I dont then Im abandoning them and she may hate me for it. The money issue is getting in the way of what I consider to be the important issues here. I just want her to appriciate and remember what we had. Any suggestions? Sorry this question is so long. Thanks for any imput

Originally Posted by rad17

Any suggestions? Sorry this question is so long. Thanks for any imput

Have you sorted out custody yet?

Avoid manipulating anyone into loving you. Any love elicited won't be real, and you'll have to continuously better your Machiavellian schemes in order to maintain your relationship. It's not worth it.

[outNabout]

My two cents on your idea is not to try to manipulate someone to 'make' them do or act the way you want. I just don't think that is a positive way to nurture an honest meaningful relationship, which is most likely what you really are wanting in the long run. If you continue to try to manipulate or control someone, the relationship becomes toxic. And in all likelihood it will prolong or lead to your having to experience more sadness.

Feeling heartbroken is really really hard to go through, and you must struggling with this.

Observe the role that you have been playing in this relationship...
You may need to make some hard choices and do what is right for YOU and your well being. Don't let yourself be repeatedly used, taken for granted, rejected, and then set yourself up for it all over again.

Let us know how it's going.

Originally Posted by rad17

Hello this is my first and complicated post. I was engaged to a filipina for 4 years and had a baby. We were very happy then she decided she didnt love me anymore and wants me out of her life EXCEPT she still wants all the financial support to continue. She and her family were very poor and I brought them out of the slums so to speak. She is honest in that she doesnt love me as much anymore or only soemtimes. She knows and I know that if I dont support her and the family they will fall and fall hard. She is uneducated so her or her family finding any work is a tough one. I have my own problems. I still love her and the baby but cant continue to give her support without a relationship. Im not going to take care of the whole family and give money so she can go to school and have a great time with her friends and even get boyfriends on my bill. If we are finished I need to seperate myself completely so I can heal. If I have ANY contact for support or otherewise I can never heal. I want to somehow save my relationship and my baby. She is 21 (young I know but not so much for that culture) and her younger and older sisters are completely stable. But she decided that she has more fun with her three girlfriends and wants to go out almost everynight instead of being home with me and the baby. She is acting very childish right now and not thinking of the future when I pull out all support so Im tryign to be patient but my patience is at an end. Her mother is a single mom with three daughters to three different men so I think Im dealing with some issues that got passed down. So Im heartbroken and I dont want them and my baby to end up in some filthy slum again but she is driving me to it. Im thinking of reverse psychology as a last resort. She is somewhat susceptable to it . So I stoped calling her. Now she is calling me but Im not answering the phone. That part is working on at least some level (missing me, wondering where I am, and of course MONEY). My question is how do I play this out when I decide to answer the phone? How do I seperate the money issue out? If I continue to give her money Im renforcing bad behavior. If I dont then Im abandoning them and she may hate me for it. The money issue is getting in the way of what I consider to be the important issues here. I just want her to appriciate and remember what we had. Any suggestions? Sorry this question is so long. Thanks for any imput

[rad17]

No custody needed I would let her and the family have the baby. I am not selfish enough to rip the baby away from the family that loves her. You have a good point. Its just a shame she is on this self destructive course.

[Anika.]

I agree with the above adcice. One thing on the money issue. While you are not responsible to be supporting her family what about your child? You do have a responsability to help support the baby whether you are together or not. Is that what you are planning on? What about visitation of the child?

[adam_k]

I would tell her you want a relationship and still love her if that is what you still want. If she doesn't want to be with you anymore don't support her. You have to do what is best for your child, and that means if you don't want to take care of it on your own, making sure your kid has food, a proper house, clothes, and doctor visits. Just don't give her the money to spend partying with friends. I think she needs to grow up and come to terms with the fact she is a mom. She can want or not want you in her life, but the baby is there to stay. Whether you or she is taking care of the child it will always be part of each of you. I would tell her she is better off with you in her life. It sounds like you made a genuine difference in her and her family's lives and she needs to recognize that not everyone out there will, especially when other guys find out she has a kid. I doubt most guys at the bar scene want to go back to her place with a crying baby. I wouldn't try to manipulate her, but I would stand up for yourself. Don't give her money if you know she is using it to party with. Go to her landlord to pay her rent, buy groceries for your kid and bring them over. Take care of her child, but don't let her walk over you and use you to get what she wants. She is a mom now and needs to grow up and think about what is best for your child. I would try to keep in your kids life, and make sure everything is being taken care of, remember it is your child too.

[rad17]

Thank you all for the advice you have given me. I really appriciate the time you put into your posts. Its comforting and helpful.