[Big Mama]

Hey gang. It's been a while since I posted anything here. Last time I put something here I was falling apart and my life was hanging in the balance. My H and I were having huge issues. Things between us were as well as over. So that being said let me give you a brief up date on how things are going.

As of the time that I last wrote my H had been snowed in w/ us (me and the kids) and was absolutely driving me batty. He kept dropping these nasty little hints, snorting like a pig, mumbling you are so dumb, rolling his eyes, standing where I needed to be and making me ask him to move because he know I feared him. for example I'm setting the table and need to get the silverware, he's in front of the drawer and all the cabinets. Instead of moving he is smirking at me. I could say lets see how many forks do we need, still he stands there. He is either stupider then I thought, or has the power to intimidate me and he knows it. I know he's no dummy so the last option is most likely it. Well after two weeks of little emotional kicks to remind me who's who, We went to T and it was not pretty at all. It was one of those hour and 30 min visits instead of the average 50 min visit. To me things were as good as over and I managed to come unglued here at PC w/ you guy. (thank you so much my supportive friends) I called the T being the PTSD traumatized person that I am. She talked to my H alone 3 days later. She told him it was as good as over, his sh.it was rude and crude and had no place in a marriage. That it was not away to show someone you loved them, cared for them or even wanted to stay w/ them. She also told him if he ever said anything like what he was saying to me, telling me he had nothing to say to me, she'd be gone in a red hot min if it were hubby. If he wanted to stay in this marriage he needed to stop and do a complete turn around, because I was done.

4 days later we saw the T again. Things went better. Not great but better. My H has been pleasant and nice ever since. He's texted me messages, called, said thank you, told me I did something right. I almost wonder where my real husband went. I like this man. I don't care where my H went I just want to keep this impostor that looks just like him.

So this all sounds positive right. It is, don't get me wrong. But I am afraid to believe, as badly as I want to, that he is changed. I am seeing w/ my own eyes, but I lived w/ 18 years of abuse at his hands. I can't just walk away and pretend it never happened. It did and it was a horrible place to be. I can't begin to explain the terror, the fear, the desperation caused by living w/ this man day in and day out for 18 years. It has done things mentally to me that I don't know if I will ever recover from. I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim my life. I don't know if I will ever get to be me, the me I want to be, the me I used to be. I think that person is lost forever, or I'm afraid to go after that person(if that makes any since)

I am afraid to trust him. I'm afraid to believe him. I'm afraid to let him in. I know he won't hurt me physically but mentally. Mental damage hurts so much deeper then physical damage. Physical everyone can see, mental is inside of me. I want to believe and trust, I do. I can't trust people who have never hurt me, how in the world do I trust someone that has done this.

I feel like I should be happy. The T told us she thinks we are doing well enough to go to seeing her every two weeks. That feels good. It feels like WE have accomplished something. She will still be part of our relationship for quite awhile. She wants to work w the kid some and deal w/ the trauma's they have, due to there daddy emotionally killing me in front of them. Plus the things he has done to them, like the things he did to me. I also have trauma work to complete due to a long drawn out rape form the past. So our work w/ her is not done. I'm just afraid of change.

I am on a slow trip back from hell I feel like. I have been stuck in absolute hell for 18 years and now I have escaped but am afraid. Hell was comfortable, at least I knew what to expect. Life is so new for me. It is so scary. I use the computer and get a glimpse of him looking at me and I shiver w/ fear down to the core of my soul, because I know that I was once chastised for using the computer and now it is supposed to be ok. I am afraid but trying to grow past the fear. I can't begin to explain what this feels like. Right now things are just a little overwhelming and I am terrified of life.

Thank you guys for listening. I don't know where I'd be w/ out you.

For me a huge red flag has waved in front of me, that it took the therapist to tell him that its over in order for him to listen. The fact that all these weeks of therapy and he never got it, at least, chose not to get it and carried on being mentally abusive and rather cruel. Its like he never believed you, or respected what you said all along.

Well... if it were me I'd be afraid to trust him too. And quite right. Do not take this the wrong way, but I hope its a long long time before you trust him, not until he has earned it over and over again, and proved himself to be better. Not just for a few weeks or months, but a long time.

The reason I say that is if you trust him quickly then there is a good chance that he will revert back to his own ways. Manipulators often change at the drop of a hat when they need to, and when things are quieter and he has you again, then the abuse starts once more.

Good luck Mama

x

[Big Mama]

riotgirrrl I agree. I am not trusting this guy just like that. Anyone who can be so cold for so long has the potential to be that way again. Trust never comes easy for me. People who have not hurt me I have a hard time trusting. Hurt me and gosh I just don't know if I can trust you again. Guess we'll see. I know that it is not gonna be a pretty conversation in T about trust. But I'm hopeful I guess.

[Open Eyes]

(((BM))),

IMO, the scenario you are discribing is that you and your husband never had the chance to actually "grow up" properly. Your husbands history "deprived him of that' not only that but he was also deprived of "love and proper attention and recognition that all children need to "develope" properly". You BM, also have "victim mentality" where you have somehow learned the you "have to work around abusive people".

What the therapist did was what your husband never got. She pretty much put him in the "naughty" spot where he was warned that he was going to be "put out" unless he learned how to "behave" properly.

The fact that your husband put himself "in your way" was his effort to "gain your undevided attention". This is the only way he "knows" how to gain attention, it is often the fuel that makes "bullies". Children do "practice" different methods for "gaining attention", if there is no one there to "correct them" and "show them how to do it in "healthier ways", they will simply continue to think that "bullying is the way to gain attention". Unfortunately, negetive attention is better than "no attention at all".

Sadly, BM, your husband is the result of inappropriate parenting, and he does have some bad habits that for the past 18 years with you have also "worked for him". Your position now will have to be to continue standing up to him with the help of your T so he finally slowly learns that being a "bully" is only going to "put him out" and he will now finally have to learn "better ways" to gain attention. However, you will also have to find ways to "reward him for his "good behaviors" as was supposed to take place for him that never did in his past. In turn, you will now be assuming the role of "no longer being his victim", but finally standing up for yourself so you can gain some empowerment that "you never learned how to do" in your past.

Unfortunately BM, we reep what we sowe, so no matter what kind of relationship we have that is "disfunctional" it is important we also see our role in somehow allowing it to take place. Trusting is a two way street, you not only have to trust him, but also your new skills at keeping him to task in getting with a healtheir program in "having a better relationship".

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

OE thank you so much. Your input is always valued. My H came a home a different man that day. I like this one better but don't quite know what to do w/ him.

Thinking of rewards, he is thinking reward alright and not the kind I like to give out either. He thinks that 2 weeks of playing nice = nice in the bed room to. Not so fast though. Trust is one thing that doesn't come easy for me and he has still yet to see that the bedroom is not about good behavior it's about trust and defeating trauma's. So we still have work to do. My instructions from the T are to thank him for everything he does right. Tell him you are proud of him, show him you want to keep him, with WORDS. That is so weird. Talking to this man I am married to. We do not talk to each other, we do not appriciate each other, we live 2 seperate lives in the same house. It is scary but something I have to do. If things have taken a positive turn I sure don't want to miss it up.

Thank You again OE. It's nap time here just wanted to say thanks before I forget.

((((Mama)))) I am so glad you posted. I think about you and wonder how you all are doing

I hope you will continue to look after yourself, stay safe and speak up when you need help (with us, with T, with your family, with H). It's hard at first to assert but it gets easier (speaking from experience ).

It takes time to trust, honey, and 18 years + of emotional abuse and neglect, in addition to major trauma, is not going to disappear overnight. And not recognizing things...I can relate to that, as well.

I can totally relate to your apprehension and feeling as though things are rather surreal.

IMHO, none of us ask to be traumatized or abused or hurt (and if we do ask, then I think that is a subject that goes under a different thread ) ...no matter what. You can stand there naked as a jaybird, screaming at the top of your lungs and nobody has a right to emotionally or physically hurt you. Please understand you did NOTHING to deserve any of this.

To be victimized is not your fault in any way, shape, form.

That said, and I hope you don't mind if I make it about me-me-me (for a quick second), after being emotionally abused and put down and belittled, being surrounded by horrible people, traumatized and raped, I believed that I deserved very little/nothing (and that I deserved to be treated poorly because I felt bad about myself). I did not have any coping skills in which to stand up for myself. And without any money, credit cards, stuff) things were 110x worse )

The positive news: through really hard work and a lot of T and coming to PC, I realized that is not the case. At all. I am not "nothing" and I don't deserve to be treated poorly or with disrespect. And other peoples' actions, reactions are their own business. It's not up to me to change them. I can only change myself.

As a result, some people are out of my life now because of it completely. And I am better for it. As for them, I cannot speak to that. It's their responsibility.

[Open Eyes]

((BM)),

Try not to think about "reward as having to be "sex"" ok? That is not a place you can go right now, so that is not up for a "reward". When I say "reward" what I mean is a little touching or "paying attention" to him in a "positive way" where you thank him for working hard, you do see it and appreciate it. His one thing on "his" list was to feel like you love him. Well, the only way he is going to really "achieve that" is slowly and by "proving he respects you" and that you are not just there to service him and be his punching bag. This is a process, and things don't just happen overnight.

[Big Mama]

I thank his idea of being good and the reward was sex, that sure ain't my idea of a reward. He was quite disappointed when his efforts did not pay off in that direction. That alone is gonna take more work w/ the T. It is more of a past trauma related issue not so much to do w/ him. HE just happens to be male like the person who hurt me was male. Like I said I still gotta work on that issue.

It is quite strange to speak nicely to him, to thank him, to make him seem like a priority. For so long he was the abuser and I was the victim. Now I am learning to get out of that role. Who ever thought being nice and saying thank you could be so hard.

This is harder then facing the guy who raped me. I did eventually talk to that guy and saw human quilities in him. The abuse and rape w/ that guy lasted 9 mo. This has lasted 18 years w/ my H. So it might take a little bit to get used to this. As much as this was what I wanted, just to get along, I sure thought it would be easier to like.

ROSE thank you for your encouraging words. You have certinly made me think. That really is a good thing. I am glad you had the courage to take care of you to. I'm gaining the courage to take care of me.

YEAH ALL OF US.