[Ryokoryu]

Not sure if this is the place but I hope so and will start at what kept me from a relationship at first and then my first that ended recently. I at about age 11 took a vow of abstinence before marriage. I never managed to find a girl that was willing to date me that was interested in me with that in place as the only ones I attracted were interested in only one night stand situations or friends with benefits situations and not a real relationship. That is until late last year when I met a girl who I was friends with at first and we developed feelings for each other. She and I had so many things on the same level that it not only met, but exceeded every expectation i had for a match. Unfortunately even though she is 21 she has to live with her Father who is very controlling. (She has been trying to get out of his house longer than I have known her) When it became clear he could not control me he began limiting the time we had together and scheduling her to do house work over time we had already scheduled for us and told him about.
Because of a maybe me molested her when she was younger (she is unsure herself) she had a fear of intimacy and we never even got to a kiss because of this. He had on Valentines day given her an ultimatum to give to me that he would be starting a second bible study on obeying authority in addition to the one he was already doing that I was going to. He told her to tell me I would go to it or I wouldn't be allowed to see her anymore. He then later that night picked an argument with me over my distrust of police. I have watched a good deal of the Mexican side of my family harassed by police most of my life and I don't believe police are endowed with any more honesty than other people. His argument is that that is a sin and that they are authority and therefore must be supported by me 100% no matter what they do with that. I refused his point of view (and am sure he intended to make himself out to be my authority) and the next Sunday she broke it off sighting her Dad as the main reason.
When this happened I naturally felt hurt for this and I decided to let my feelings come as they would and figures that would be healthy. At first i had the pain and hurt and it started to get better, but then sometimes I just stopped feeling. Not stopped feeling just the hurt, but anything. I have dealt with depression before and this is different. I do not feel sadness or despair when this happens, but lack of anything. No happiness no anger no suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of self harm. These have become more and more frequent and when my emotions do come back I can feel content, hopeful, sad, angry, and all the normal things. Now I was content with life before but not happy. I believed that I would find someone and I still do. When I was with her it was the only time in my life I remember being truly happy. Any other time in my life I was content. When I feel now I feel that content, but with emptiness becoming more frequent it worries me. I dealt with emotional problems when I was really young and have been in touch with my emotions for most of my life and I never remember not feeling before.

[optimize990h]

Hello Ryokoru.

You are grieving over the of the relationship. One author Kubler Ross, believed there are five stages. 1. denial and isolation 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. depression 5. acceptance.

Each person processes grief differently. There no particular order to grieve through the stages and most may experience more than one stage within a short time. There is no specific amount of time for each stage. There a range of time for those who process the stage. Not everyone completes grieving.

The PC members welcome you. If you wish you can continue with this thread, but maybe belongs more in the grief and loss forum. You return to express whatever is necessary.

[hamster-bamster]

I think if you really want to feel emotion, you may try feeling joy and relief. You have escaped something pretty horrible (not questioning the police and treating the father of a gf as authority and all of that), based on the description, so those would be very appropriate emotions to fit your situation.

On a more general note:

I wanted to be a taxi driver when I was 3. I have never managed to do that, though. And, I would not be a good taxi driver even if I tried - for instance, I do not even TRY to drive in San Francisco (a city that is difficult for driving) anymore. I take the train instead and until I can afford a navigator, I will be taking the train. So without being too conscious about it, I, on some level, reassessed my skills and abilities as I was growing up and discarded the commitment to taxi driving.

11 is older than 3, sure... but I would still think twice or thrice about staying so committed to whatever you deemed important when you were 11. Take into account the experiences you have accumulated since then and re-assess whether it still makes sense to be committed to the vow of abstinence until marriage.

You describe extremes on the spectrum of boy-girl relationships: "... took a vow of abstinence before marriage. I never managed to find a girl that was willing to date me that was interested in me with that in place as the only ones I attracted were interested in only one night stand situations or friends with benefits situations and not a real relationship." I take it, by "real relationship" you mean a relationship that takes into account the constraint that you imposed on yourself at the ripe age of 11, right? So, I think that between that and one night stands, there is lots of middle ground.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Ryokoryu

He had on Valentines day given her an ultimatum to give to me that he would be starting a second bible study on obeying authority in addition to the one he was already doing that I was going to. He told her to tell me I would go to it or I wouldn't be allowed to see her anymore.

Also, as a practical solution: in the future, if you find a girlfriend whose father is not in any sort of a relationship with you (not your financial advisor, bible study leader, teacher, employer, etc.), that distance between you and the father would make it much more difficult for the father to impose such draconian conditions on your seeing the daughter, EVEN if the father is very controlling.

[Ryokoryu]

I do believe in my vow more today than I did then. it is a part of my values and I do not require this of someone I date but I do require they respect it and accept it in me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Ryokoryu

I do believe in my vow more today than I did then. it is a part of my values and I do not require this of someone I date but I do require they respect it and accept it in me.

That seems generous, to not require reciprocity.

[Ryokoryu]

When I made my vow it was an act of faith that has been strengthened through my life. I have done well in that faith and how I relate to God. Each person is different and God works with who people are rather than making them different people. I would certainly like for my first time to be the first time for whoever I marry, but rejecting people because they didn't wait closes the door to many people who may be better for me than the one who waited also.

[hamster-bamster]

Your policy sounds very reasonable and well thought through in that it does not constrain your range of options based on a factor that is entirely outside of your control.

[Ryokoryu]

ok at this point I am chalking it up to relationship over due to crazy train. Now she is saying she thinks God is going to put her and Jeff Hardy (her favorite wrestler) together, but not until after his current marriage is over.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Ryokoryu

ok at this point I am chalking it up to relationship over due to crazy train. Now she is saying she thinks God is going to put her and Jeff Hardy (her favorite wrestler) together, but not until after his current marriage is over.

Your assessment of her mental state is entirely correct. Your plan for practical steps is equally correct.

Good luck with the next woman!