[Hellion]

Yeah I really wish I didn't have to depend on living at my moms house and her help in general with getting appointments taken care of and such. I mean on one hand she does her best and is helpful to me and my brother. But her attitude just really sucks sometimes.

For instance now apparently she doesn't want to pay for my brothers bus passes(he needs) and nothing else which at this point he's kind of depending on her for things she has agreed on helping with such as physical therapy appiontments...but from the bit of the argument I caught it sounded like she said she wont do that and wants him to pay rent(without a job, or bus passes to have access to transportation). THe trouble is its not that she can't so she's not explaining 'hey I have too many expenses right now and so I wont be able to help you as much.'

It started with first time she saw my brother today she immediatly abrubtly said is name and then 'will you shovel the sidewalk.' in kind of a demanding tone when she could have maybe greeted him first It bothered my brother because she was kind of rude about it and I would agree. So anyways my brother and I came back inside and my brother tried explaining to my mom he had no problem shoveling the sidewalk if she would ask nicer and consider his feeling essentially. She responded with immediate sarcasm and it went from there so now my brother went to bed, don't blame him and my moms up in her room doing who knows what.

I mean if she's going to hold her help above his head and then revoke it if he points out he'd like a little more respect, the same respect any human deserves....what's to stop her from doing that to me if we have a 'disagreement.' I mean I would go confront her right now and ask why she likes to totally disregard the feelings of others when she wants something? why she tries to come off as a coldm sarcastic, sociopath at times? Maybe I would word it more gently but I can't go confront her on it as I really kind of need her help with a couple things. A neuropsychogy appointment and potentially help with transporation I might need for the appeal process.......and I have no where to go but her house. So I cannot very well tell her what I think and cut her out of my life for a while. Also its difficult because while she can act like a narcissistic jerk, she can also act totally different sometimes she is very pleasant to be around so believe me when I say it would hurt if I did cut her out of my life even for a time.

I mean my brother is 19 so legally an adult in many ways, I am 23 so I just don't think its right the way our mother tries to control things and demand we do things for her because she's doing so much for us....well sorry she chose to have kids if she thought the point was for them to take care of themselves and her. I mean I spent an entire summer when I was 14 with my siblings watching our baby brother in a house with no air conditioning in a hot summer while my mom worked all day.......we had no idea how to take care of a baby so yeah it was very hard and even then she'd act like we weren't doing enough. I mean its always been a pattern of her not really teaching simple skills and then expecting us to just automatically have the knowledge. It would be like if she told her kid to load a dishwasher and start it when they have never even seen one and then getting after them when they do it wrong because they didn't know how.

Maybe she does not realize how she can really emotionally hurt other people with some of her behavior. I wish I could just quit thinking about this stuff, ignore the conflict between her and my brother but that doesn't make it go away the elephant is still sitting in the room so to speak.

I mean I realize this cycle is not doing anyone any favors, and its been handed down for generations of dysfunctional family. I mean its like I have to just act like nothing going on within the family is bothering me because if I mention some negative observations that would mean I am ungreatful, don't appreciate her ect, ect. If my brother didn't want what happened tonight from my moms perspective he should have just shoveled the snow without a word and made her a cup of tea without expecting a thank you.....And I am sick of it especially now that I am an adult and my brothers 19 we are sick of that game we are all adults essentially so we should be able to discuss things like adults, be able to point out if she hurts our feelings (just like she points out if me or him hurt her feelings) and then move on with an apology and attempt not to do it again.

It doesn't help shes on a head-trip about quitting her job, going to school full time and all this stuff she is going to do with her life right now....and at the rate she's going I am wondering If I am going to have to arrange for my youngest brother to stay with other family or something since I am in no position to take care of him and if I should start packing up now since not so sure this plan will permit her to keep the house. It's all me me me with her lately and well Its concerning. We also have 4 cats, she makes it very clear she is somewhat financially dependent on her boyfriend and every other week she's kicking him out so its just very unstable.

Main issue is she wants everyone to go out of their way to consider her feelings, prove they care and appreciate her...but then it seems like she doesn't feel she has to do that, or that someones just being ridiculous and making stuff up by rolling her eyes when someone tries pointing out that she could have done something a little differently.

[Leed]

I don't suppose there's anything like a nice, calm discussion in your house, is there?

Can you and your brother ask her to just sit down and talk for a bit? Can you just talk quietly & nicely, and tell her (even tho you may not believe it) that you realize she's stressed, etc., but could she please TRY to treat you two like friends instead of enemies? Just NICELY point out that she "tends" to snap at you, order you around, etc., and you'd rather be treated like she treats her friends!! Point out to her (and I hope it's true!) that when YOU ask her for anything, you always preface it with PLEASE. And of course, you THANK her afterwards too.

Perhaps if you could just talk to her calmly and like adults, she might see a little of herself. Who knows? Then again, she might not see a thing.

It's worth a try. I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Leed

I don't suppose there's anything like a nice, calm discussion in your house, is there?

Can you and your brother ask her to just sit down and talk for a bit? Can you just talk quietly & nicely, and tell her (even tho you may not believe it) that you realize she's stressed, etc., but could she please TRY to treat you two like friends instead of enemies? Just NICELY point out that she "tends" to snap at you, order you around, etc., and you'd rather be treated like she treats her friends!! Point out to her (and I hope it's true!) that when YOU ask her for anything, you always preface it with PLEASE. And of course, you THANK her afterwards too.

Perhaps if you could just talk to her calmly and like adults, she might see a little of herself. Who knows? Then again, she might not see a thing.

It's worth a try. I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

When it comes to discussing flaws that could maybe be worked on there is no calm discussion. If me or him bring up what we think she's doing wrong it will likely just turn into how disrespectful we are, how we don't appreciate anything and about how she's doing nothing wrong and it's just life deal with it.

I wish it was worth a try but yeah these discussions never end well in my family. Not sure she understands her adult kids actually should receive the same respect she'd give any adult....also she probably could have had a little more respect or consideration for feelings when we were kids. I wont go into some of the things that stick out in my mind but one thing she did more than once when me and my sister where very young is a good example of her attitude sometimes. Basically me and my sister break some rule so whatever, then our mom would come and yell at us not to do that again and this and that and then insisted we just say ok and don't argue. Well then when you said 'ok' she'd then say 'no its not ok.' and give out spankings or confine us to our room for a while.