Moving On/Forward

Hey guys and gals!

I am here today because I'm seeking advice on my/his behavior after a break-up.

You can find a lot of info about my relationship if you search for my posts, but to sum it up:

My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago after cheating on me for the second time (at least). He told me the same old crap..."I want to stay friends", "I care about you...", "I'm not ready to start a new relationship...", etc., etc.

We had a whole lot of problems as it was before he cheated, so obviously being friends was not a very good idea.

I did, however, stay friends with him on facebook...UNTIL he started putting up photos of him and this new girl (which were seriously so ridiculous). Then I deleted and blocked him.

Anyway, I had no contact for a total of 21 days, until I finally texted him about getting my guitar back. The past few days he's started texting me and told me his life sucks and he wants to stay friends, and it's confusing me a great deal.

I think I got it in my head that this meant he wanted to get back together, but my best friend said he's still publicly interacting with this girl, and I mean, I know he's been to see her at least 3 times since he dumped me.

I wouldn't get back together with him anyway - at least I hope I wouldn't. I am so confused.

Can someone legitimately care about another person after living behind a tangle of lies for over 6 years? Jeez...I don't really think so. I feel like I'm being duped again, but for what reason, I can't say.

There are two independent issues:

1) the issue of the guitar that remains in his possession
2) the issue of his confusing you with his texts in which he says that his life sucks.

1) I am sure the guitar is valuable and needs to be retrieved. Do you have a friend (girl or boy) who could accompany you to retrieve the guitar from his place, in a casual fashion? Having a chaperone would be really nice, because it would preclude the possibility of one-on-one interactions between you and the guy.

2) Text back to him saying that you are currently not interested in the quality of his life (sucks/does not suck), but if, at some point, you become interested in the quality of his life, you will let him know. This way the ball will be in your court and you would not be severing the connection altogether, but just taking a (possibly endless) break.

I agree that you NEED to get your guitar back and as soon as possible -- and yes, you should take someone with you when you pick it up.

I don't agree that you should say something about NOT caring about his life. You don't want to ruffle his feathers and get him mad, or else you may NOT get your guitar back! He may just decide never to be home or never answer the phone when it's you, etc., when you're trying to set up a time to come get it.

I wouldn't say anything about the quality of his life. Just talk about WHEN you can get your guitar back -- you can always "let him have it" after you have the guitar in your possession.

Dearheart, this man is TOXIC to you. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You've seen it happen on more than one occasion. Do you want to put yourself thru it even more? You CANNOT even think about getting back with this guy --- he is not WORTHY of you!!! Find someone who deserves you! Find someone who will love you as much or MORE than you love him! You deserve the best! God bless and please take care! Hugs, Lee

Thanks to both of you!

He was going to take it to one of my friends, so I wouldn't have to see him (especially since I live 8.5 hours away from my hometown). Unfortunately, he ended up getting too drunk to leave it with my friend, so he said he'd get it back to me another time.

Unfortunately, this whole guitar-thing has made be break no contact - which had lasted for nearly 3 weeks until this incident. I am not so worried about the guitar, at the moment - I think I'll end up getting it at some point.

The thing that does bother me is having talked to him several times over the phone this past weekend. It was definitely a mistake, and ended up hurting me more, instead of providing closure or whatever.

He just kept saying he wanted to be my friend, yet he plans on continuing to see this new girl. I told him multiple times, that I am not in a place where I can be his friend - especially when he's just making everything harder by continuing to see the girl he cheated on me with.

Ugh...why are men so horrible? I am afraid this 6.5 year relationship is going to give me trust issues in the future.

I was wrong saying that the guitar issue and the caring-about-his-quality-of-life issue are independent. Obviously, they are not. First repossess the guitar, second decide if you want to say anything at all.

The guy does not have any interest in providing closure to you, by the way.

What I meant to do was to point out that the guy and you do not have a common goal in mind.

Closure is a hard thing to get, even when both parties are interested in closure.

In your case, you are interested in closure and he is not interested in closure - you are at cross purposes.

That setup would make it especially hard for you to obtain closure from phone conversations.