Help With my Brother?

Ultra Darkness · Apr 27, 2013 at 02:27 PM

How do I get him to stop talking all the time? He never leaves me alone, and I've tried everything I can think of, rude or not, to make him stop. Most of the time I'm trying to do other things, and it's distracting to have him going on and on. Especially since I have to pretend to listen. Most of the time his topic is of no interest to me, but he holds it against me if I say so, and says it's rude not to listen.

What am I supposed to do?

Bill3 · Apr 27, 2013 at 04:08 PM

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Especially since I have to pretend to listen.

What makes you have to pretend to listen?

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but he holds it against me if I say so, and says it's rude not to listen.

Actually it is rude to talk endlessly about a topic that is of no interest to one's listener.

Speaking/listening is a mutual relationship. The speaker is not automatically in charge.

But the problem will continue until you find a way to assert yourself such that you can escape or he stops imposing himself on you. What can you do to help one or both of those possibilities actually happen?

Leed · Apr 28, 2013 at 04:07 AM

Bill is right. Your brother is the one being RUDE.

Why does he think he can IMPOSE on you all the time, without your PERMISSION, and continually talk? Why does he think that you WANT to listen to his endless talking?

If he calls on the phone, just don't pick it up when he calls. And if he comes to "visit" just don't open the door when he shows up! So what if he knows you're there - you STILL don't have to open the door.

If he lives with you, that's another problem.

If he starts in, just stop him and say "I'm sorry but I just don't have time to listen" and walk out of the room. Keep doing that until he gets the idea.

It might be a little rude, but he's being even more rude by continually making you listen to "stuff." Best of luck! Hugs, Lee

Ultra Darkness · Apr 29, 2013 at 02:11 PM

He lives with me. Unfortunately, we also work in the same place, so just walking out of the room is rarely ever an option.

I've asked him why he keeps talking. He says he doesn't have anything else to do (we're clerks). I told him today that it's rude to talk and talk like he does, and he countered with: "It's rude to want to convey information?" and went on to say "Doesn't that sound stupid to you?"
So, yeah.

Of course, he doesn't really talk to me, just at me. I know because he always looks at me like I'm crazy when I'm talking, and continually tells me to "make sense".

I'm so sick of this.

Bill3 · Apr 29, 2013 at 02:54 PM

**********************
Brother: It's rude to want to convey information?

Ultra: Yes. Any speaking to excess is rude.

Brother: Doesn't that sound stupid to you?

Ultra: No. Consideration of other people is never stupid.

***********************

And btw Ultra: You do make sense.

Ultra Darkness · Apr 29, 2013 at 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

**********************
Brother: It's rude to want to convey information?

Ultra: Yes. Any speaking to excess is rude.

Brother: Doesn't that sound stupid to you?

Ultra: No. Consideration of other people is never stupid.

***********************

And btw Ultra: You do make sense.

lol. That's almost exactly how it went, too. But he threw out "rude" again, saying that I'm always being rude. He doesn't believe me when I say that I behave differently with other people.

Also, I might make sense here, but I have trouble articulating verbally. I much prefer writing.

H3rmit · Apr 29, 2013 at 03:57 PM

Keep at it, Ultra. Getting results often requires multiple setting of limits or asserting oneself. Does your brother act like this in front of the boss? No, because he would get funny looks or fired. Your brother is in the wrong; you are in the right.

Ultra Darkness · Apr 29, 2013 at 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Keep at it, Ultra. Getting results often requires multiple setting of limits or asserting oneself. Does your brother act like this in front of the boss? No, because he would get funny looks or fired. Your brother is in the wrong; you are in the right.

Well, I'm certainly not going to stop trying. Unfortunately, he has no respect for me, which may be why he's so keen to disregard me. Most of our arguments start because he won't be quiet, yet he always says it's my fault for being rude. Any time I try to argue that, he just stops talking. Which is what I want. But not if he's going to be so ungracious about it. Seriously, though, I've actually stopped listening at times and he goes at me about that!

He says he doesn't like bullies, but he sure seems like a verbal bully to me.

Bill3 · Apr 29, 2013 at 04:46 PM

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Any time I try to argue that, he just stops talking. Which is what I want. But not if he's going to be so ungracious about it.

You want him to limit the talking and you also want him to be gracious about doing so.

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Seriously, though, I've actually stopped listening at times and he goes at me about that!

You could not listen to that also!

Ultra Darkness · Apr 29, 2013 at 04:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Bill3

You want him to limit the talking and you also want him to be gracious about doing so.

You could not listen to that also!

Yes, exactly. He's always sullen if I don't listen, or if I want him to be quiet. And if I don't listen, he also drops the "rude" bomb on me (it's his favorite).

Bill3 · Apr 29, 2013 at 09:39 PM

What makes it a problem for you if he is sullen?

Ultra Darkness · Apr 30, 2013 at 01:19 PM

He makes me feel guilty, or else I'm so annoyed by his immaturity that I can't enjoy the silence.

Bill3 · Apr 30, 2013 at 01:54 PM

That guilt and annoyance gives him power over you.

Ultra Darkness · Apr 30, 2013 at 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

That guilt and annoyance gives him power over you.

Believe me, I know. I shouldn't let him get to me like this, but he does. He's always been able to guilt me into things, so it's like a programed response or something.

Bill3 · Apr 30, 2013 at 03:37 PM

Have there been times that you did not let him get the better of you? If yes, how did you do it?

Ultra Darkness · Apr 30, 2013 at 04:04 PM

He's asked me to do things for him a few times, and I just say no. I still tend to feel bad about it, though.
Unless he tries to bribe me, in which case I never feel bad for refusing.

Bill3 · Apr 30, 2013 at 04:10 PM

You feel bad...but you are able to say no.

Maybe that same skill and strength can be used when he is guilting you and annoying you?

Ultra Darkness · Apr 30, 2013 at 04:41 PM

How so?

Apr 30, 2013 at 04:52 PM

We can spend a long time, waiting to hear what we expect someone to say. But it rarely happens. Although I understand your frustration, I would doubt it if your brother would ever change, or admit that you may have a point.

So that just leaves you to live your own life as you see fit. If you work together, is there a way you can try getting a different job? You said in another post that you can't find somewhere else to live, but perhaps you can start making plans to move out? Sure, if you need to save for a while, or putting the feelers out there for a share with good friends, at least you could feel a little better knowing you are making plans to get out. Its amazing how much making positive steps can be in helping us cope with the here and now.

And I agree, start saying no. There's no shame or guilt needed, just say no when you want to. You are your own person with your own mind.

Ultra Darkness · Apr 30, 2013 at 04:58 PM

I have no friends to get a loan from, if that's what you meant. As it happens, though, he's trying to get a different job, so that may help.

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 29, 2013 at 02:54 PM #5 ********************** Brother: It's rude to want to convey information? Ultra: Yes. Any speaking to excess is rude. Brother: Doesn't that sound stupid to you? Ultra: No. Consideration of other people is never stupid. *********************** And btw Ultra: You do make sense.
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H3rmit Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2013 Location: western hemisphere, northern hemisphere Posts: 1,887 11 1,346 hugs given	Apr 29, 2013 at 03:57 PM #7 Keep at it, Ultra. Getting results often requires multiple setting of limits or asserting oneself. Does your brother act like this in front of the boss? No, because he would get funny looks or fired. Your brother is in the wrong; you are in the right.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 29, 2013 at 09:39 PM #11 What makes it a problem for you if he is sullen?
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Ultra Darkness Poohbah Member Since Dec 2012 Location: Some days Mobius, others Cybertron. Posts: 1,345 11 184 hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 01:19 PM #12 He makes me feel guilty, or else I'm so annoyed by his immaturity that I can't enjoy the silence. __________________ If we believe we can't lose Even mountains will move It's my faith, it's my life This is our battle cry! -Skillet
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 01:54 PM #13 That guilt and annoyance gives him power over you.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 03:37 PM #15 Have there been times that you did not let him get the better of you? If yes, how did you do it?
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Ultra Darkness Poohbah Member Since Dec 2012 Location: Some days Mobius, others Cybertron. Posts: 1,345 11 184 hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 04:04 PM #16 He's asked me to do things for him a few times, and I just say no. I still tend to feel bad about it, though. Unless he tries to bribe me, in which case I never feel bad for refusing. __________________ If we believe we can't lose Even mountains will move It's my faith, it's my life This is our battle cry! -Skillet
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 04:10 PM #17 You feel bad...but you are able to say no. Maybe that same skill and strength can be used when he is guilting you and annoying you?
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Ultra Darkness Poohbah Member Since Dec 2012 Location: Some days Mobius, others Cybertron. Posts: 1,345 11 184 hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 04:41 PM #18 How so? __________________ If we believe we can't lose Even mountains will move It's my faith, it's my life This is our battle cry! -Skillet
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Ultra Darkness Poohbah Member Since Dec 2012 Location: Some days Mobius, others Cybertron. Posts: 1,345 11 184 hugs given	Apr 30, 2013 at 04:58 PM #20 I have no friends to get a loan from, if that's what you meant. As it happens, though, he's trying to get a different job, so that may help. __________________ If we believe we can't lose Even mountains will move It's my faith, it's my life This is our battle cry! -Skillet
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