[Solitudeisme]

I found someone I connected to emotionally, and became ... well addicted, ignoring things in order to spend time talking to him, and he seemingly was the same. But we kept saying stuff that hurt each other and it was causing emotional distress, so we have backed off to just being friends, no sexual element. Unfortunately I still seem to have the addiction of needing to talk to him, and put him first, but he has made it quite clear I am now just like any of his other friends and would lose out to games, movies etc as they do. Obviously he is finding it easy to pull back and treat me how he treats the rest of his friends, but If I treat him how I treat other online friends, well he may not like me much, as I have pretty much ignored them in order to spend time talking to him, so do I just move on and chalk it up to experience, not hold him as anymore important as anyone else? and if I happen to be about when he feels like talking and I happen to feel like it too, talk, otherwise be like ships passing in the night. I'm not sure what I'm even asking here tbh, just feeling hurt and needing to let it out somewhere.

Sounds to me that you can't do the friendship thing, for the moment anyway. I would advise breaking all contact until you get your feelings under control, and stop depending on him. He's made it clear that you are now just a friend, and if you can't cope with the contact, then stop it until you feel stronger.

And yes, chalk it up to experience, and go see your own friends. If they are good friends they will understand that sometimes relationships just get under our skins for a while, esp if you apologise.

Take care of yourself, and be kind to you too. Go do things that you love to do.

Hugs

It's horribly painful when someone you care about deeply and have a bond with acts like this, I have been on the receiving end. My husband actually did this twelve years ago when we first started dating. I felt like going to his house all the time, calling him etc. but I just let the relationship fall to the ground. Guess what? He came around. It's better that way, let him come to you. And if he doesn't, have a plan B ready! Best of success my friend.

[Scotty204]

I agree with the above, I would back off a bit and give it some time. If he's at all interested he will come back

[Solitudeisme]

Ok, thank you guys, time to fill my social calender to the brim I guess..

[Love/Hate09]

Oh i can so relate to where you are at Solitude, i have been in such a similar situation. I had someone i loved so much but she betrayed my trust in such a way that hurt so deeply i doubt i'll ever fully reover from it. It's all the worse because i loved ths person so much, a really deep soul connecting love that is so rare to experience.

I could have maybe have got over it at some point if she had wanted me in her life as i wanted her. She loved me very much but as a friend. We had such a special connection. But the problem was that was hurting me more than it was helping me, to be in love with someone who doesn't want to be with you but just wants to be friends can work in some cases but it couldn't for me in this case. I just loved her way too much, it tore me apart when she went off to be with other people but yet still wanted to be friends with me. She knew how i felt, i had made it abundantly clear how much i loved her and her reply was always we can only be friends. It was just too much for me, it was just too confusing for me. You can't just switch off the button that makes you love someone. Sometimes you can love someone but after you realise that you can't work a relationship together you can go back to being friends. I unfortunately couldn't do that with her, it was just too painful for me. I was way too much in love with her to settle for just friendship however special that friendship was. So although i was still very much in love with her i had to accept that it wasn't meant to be. It was because i loved so much that i couldn't be just friends with her.

Do you see what i am saying? It's probably not that his feelings have diminished for you, it may well be quite the opposite. It maybe because his feelings are so strong for you that he has to pull back, it's not that it's easier for him to pull back but it's just that the pain is so much greater for him if he doesn't. It's self preservation. To stick around and be hopelessly in love with you but not have those feelings reciprocated is probably more than he can handle. Try and understand why he has to do what he's doing. Does that make sense from the situation as you have experienced it? Trust me when i say i have been in this position and it's the most agonising decision you will ever make.

[Solitudeisme]

Hi Love/Hate09 I totally understand what you are saying, however as much as we had a connection, he doesn't love me, I believe he respects me and thinks a lot of me, but it's not love. It almost feels like he's trying to teach me a lesson for wanting to be just friends, even though he can clearly see why. We were far to hurtful and it was too sexually based, so now it's like I'm being punished for being the one to put my hand up and say enough...
Either way, I need to fill my time, so I'm not sat waiting for him to feel like talking, not to try and be spiteful, but to get on with things. I'm sure it will hurt less as time goes by, but it's like he has no common sense with what he says, like ' I seriously need to work harder at finding a girl lol' - not appropriate to say to me, but on the other hand we have always been honest with each other...I'm sure I've ended up saying stuff that's upset him without me realizing it... grrr what a mess.

[Love/Hate09]

It's so horrible when someone we care about says hurtful things to us. The irony is we always seem to say it to the people that mean the most to us, how stupid is that. Are you totally sure he is not saying "i need to work harder on finding a girl" because really he still likes you? That sounds like something someone says when they are doing one of two things:

1, they are just having a casual conversation with a friend and they mean exactly what they are saying.

2. They really like that person and they want to send a signal that they are available and want to be seeing you in a relationship. They are basically saying i'm out there and available so if you don't speak up your going to miss out.

Ok, now the first one above is out of the question because you are clearly more than just friends, much closer than that. The second one sounds more likely, he still would maybe like a relationship but isn't sure if you do so tests the waters with a comment like that. I'm no relationship counsellor so obviously i don't know for sure but it's a possibility. Have you tried having a sit down chat and being totally honest about what you want from this friendship/relationship? Might be worth a go.

OMG, relationships are hard at times.

[Solitudeisme]

I think sometimes we are both TOO honest with each other. But no, I think he's happier now we are just friends, he seems happier.

[Solitudeisme]

Looking back on this I can't believe I asked this question, or how I asked it, I mean the guy emotionally blackmailed me to keep talking (saying he'd put a knife in his arm if it got me to talk to him) and continuously trying to get me to talk when I had decided it was best to walk away. And I think the main thing behind this is how shoddily he treated me as a friend, so I bailed, yes if that makes me a worse person, not as good as his other friends so be it, because if he talks to them how he talked to me, well they must be doormats or saints....

[Caliope77]

It doesn't make you a bad person. I had a very tempestuous relationship, which morphed into an enmeshed friendship. I didn't realize how enmeshed it was until he fell in love with someone else and I just couldn't deal. I eventually had to remove him from my life altogether, which truly broke my heart to do, especially since he refused to understand and just got angry. But it was the right thing to do. Hugs to you!