[luvinglife2012]

Dearest Tamela,

I write to you to apologize. Although you may believe otherwise, I did love you during our 11 year relationship/marriage. I didn't always demonstrate it correctly, which caused you a great deal of hurt and confusion. I am sorry. It was not my intent.

As you have learned I am emotionally immature, and had my own struggles in life. I truly wanted to love you openly and honestly, but it made me uncomfortable and left me feeling less than a man. I realize now that my belief system was not healthy and not helpful in my desire to have a healthy relationship, not only with you but with friends, family, and my last wife. Because of this I lost contact with my closest friends, and my family stopped believing in me. My relatives here in the US stopped supporting me as well. With all of this happening I still was too stubborn to listen and change my behavior.

I am sorry that I let you down. From the time we were dating to the time I took my life, I am sorry for disappointing you. You were one of the few that knew me well and believed in me as an individual. I did not appreciate your accepting me as I was and not trying to change me. I know you nurtured me and empowered me as the person I am. I did not realize this until recent. Thank you.

I was able to be the father to Ashley I could be because you supported me and guided me. You counseled Ashley regarding me so that she would not disown me, although I told her regularly that I would disown her. You explained to her my shortcomings, you taught her to accept them about me but that she did not have to accept them for herself, which kept her in my life. She understood my desire to protect her, provide for her and that my intentions were for her best from my perspective even when I was unreasonable about it. You helped her to understand me, even when I didn't. You nurtured her to love me unconditionally but that she didn't have to compromise who she was to do it, instead she learned to love the whole person regardless. She communicated with me better in the last years I was alive then I ever did with her because she had you to teach her. Thank you for keeping me in her life because we both know I was quickly on my way to losing her completely, more than once.

You did a great job in raising her. She is confidant, self assured, decisive, clear in her communications, grounded, focused and loving. She is her own person, she is empowered to be all that she can be. She has many talents and life skills that I never had at her age. I know it was a lot of work, especially when you had to do it alone, however, I truly believe it was the best decision I made when I stepped back and let you raise her. I appreciate how you kept me in the picture, made her visit me when she didn't want too, reminded her to be appreciative and respectful especially when I wasn't treating her in the same way. I really appreciated how you taught her to tell me what she thought and felt without being disrespectful and emotional. She is very impressive that way, especially when she was a teenager. I have to admit it pissed me off but it still impressed me the strength and confidence she demonstrated when talking with me. She could get me to think about things.

We laughed a lot those last years. I miss her. I know she misses me. I also know you continue to be angry with me for not being there now. I am truly sorry, it was selfish of me. I regret it. And yet you still remember and say nice things about me when you and Ashley talk. I love it when you both laugh at my expense. I was a funny guy, right? You both remember my good qualities. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could be there now to help her with college fees, decisions about her future, provide money where she needs it and love her like the wonderful daughter she is. I wanted to see her graduate, I wanted to see her marry and have kids, I wanted to hear about her work, and her experiences. But life got the better of me, and I let it. I am very sorry most about this. I know you understand. I know you are angry with me because I took my life and you believe I never considered Ashley in my decision. You also know, I had deep problems and that I had reached my breaking point. I could have reached out to you but I didn't, even though I knew you understood me better than anyone. Just the week before you told me I was a good man, just not a good man for you! That meant so much to me! I felt so guilty, because I knew I hurt you deeply.

You were always a warm, kind, loving, nurturing and fun woman. I enjoyed my time with you. I would run home just to see your smiling face, and to tell you about my day. You would listen and be so supportive. I didn't like it when you told me the truth about myself but I knew it was because you loved me. You stood by me even when I was wrong. You never made me feel less than. You gave me a loving and save home to come too. You kept it clean and food was always available. Even my favorites! You didn't waste the money either. I truly loved how you would buy me clothes, you had an eye for color and what looked great on me. I remember how all the ladies would compliment me on how I looked, and wished their husbands dressed as well as I did. It was all your doing.

I remember how green your eyes were and how expressive they were too. I loved looking into them, I could see your heart in them. You wore your feelings outside of yourself, which I used to think of as being very female and weak. I know better now. You are much more stronger than me.

Thank you for helping me build my career. You and your mother would counsel me on the workings of business in the US, the politics of the office, management styles, communication, you helped me improve my English too! Without your support I would have struggled. I was successful because of you.

There were many instances during out marriage that I wasn't supportive. I am sorry. You wanted three children (trying for a boy and girl, and would try three times) and I had initially agreed to this, during our dating and then after we got married. But I intentionally had told you what you wanted to hear. My plan all along had been to have only one child, because I felt that was what was best and you would just follow along. I never thought about how it would effect you. I also believed you would eventually see it my way. I never thought you wouldn't. I was callous and cruel regarding my thinking here, you asked for a divorce from me when Ashley was only a year old. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully your Mother bought me a reprieve but instead of taking the opportunity to see things your way, I saw it as an opportunity to convince you to see it my way. But you still would not see it my way and it just pissed me off and as usual I became stubborn. Now . . . I can see the pain I have caused you. You are a great Mother, and I took that from you without regard to your happiness. I learned that I destroyed your trust in me and that it would stay with you until today. I cannot express my sorrow in what I did. Again I was selfish. Very selfish.

I know there are a lot more things I could list here in regards to the wrongs I have committed during our relationship, but I believe I have touched on the most important ones to you. I am ashamed and sorry for not being a supportive and loving husband to you. You gave me so much and I just took.

I ask for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it. I would understand if you can't give it to me. However, I do ask that you move on. Open your heart and trust again because I was just one man and not all men are like me. You deserve to be happy and in a loving relationship. Please Tamela, let go of your pain.

-Hamid

NOTE: This is the kind of letter I would want to receive from my ex-husband apologizing for things during our 11 year relationship. Now this does not mean I am without fault in my relationship with him, however, I know I didn't commit the biggest wrongs in it. Even his family and my Mother told him this! They tried to help him and he would not listen. This is a lovely therapeutic exercise in which my life coach asked me write. -Tamela

[Travelinglady]

This letter sounds very healthy to me. You have expressed your feelings well and have realized the good things about the relationship, even if your husband couldn't at the time.