[Ontheoffbeat]

This is really a long story but I will give the short version and a longer version for anyone who wants more details. There is so much more to it than even what is in the long version, but it touches on the most relevant and important things. My hope from this forum is to get some direction, advise, suggestions, relief, hope, encouragement or even discouragement on what could be going on, what I could do to help if anything, and whether there is hope or not for my dear friend.

Summary: My friend Donna has bipolar, possibly borderline and schizophrenia has been mentioned on more than one occasion. Has taken antipsychotic and depression meds since we met in college over 20 years ago. She met a man in another country about a year and a half ago and they have maintained a long distance relationship since (her visiting him for a month once every 3 months and while she is hear them Facetiming and Skyping multiple times a day. The guy, Dean, seems narcissistic to me... he dominates conversation, speaks of himself with incredible awe of his own self, is an expert on every subject, and seems to be a liar in that he tells stories of having once been a world champion in at least two sports, a coke dealer the likes of Scarface and a member of the elite (and very clandestine) Irish Republican Army. She believes it all. He always tries his best to control her, says he is "training her" to be a better person. Donna, though, is fortunately very free spirited and though she was in "love" (probably more lust) with him initially, those feelings faded and she said she just wanted to become a better person and Dean was helping her do that. At some point, Dean must've felt her slipping away because he started playing on her vulnerabilities and her thus far lost dream of having a family (she is 44, he 54). He uses the old carrot and stick method (IMHO) to lure her a different way... and promises her if she moves to Denmark to live with him, she will have a family to call her own-- him, her husband, his 10-year-old daughter, her daughter, and even future children he will adopt "as many children" as she wants for he and her to raise. An ideal family. She falls for it hook, line and sinker and is once again under his spell, madly in love. He makes his first visit to the US about two months ago, is here for two days, and Donna overdoses on her meds to the point of near death. She later said she did that to get Dean's attention because he had told her he was going back to Denmark while they were in a fight. She is in hospital for three days then moved to mental hospital for one week. She is pulled off all meds, and released from the mental hospital with no prescriptions. She thinks her illnesses/conditions may be cured. She is a completely different person... cold, angry, or simply no emotion at all, as though she has no feelings. Her only reason to live is Dean. She is obsessed with him clearly and he with her. He returned to Denmark several days ago and her plan is to move over there and live with him after she faces drug possession charges in court in mid-May. Her days consist of mostly sleep, some errands for her mom, and several hours of web chatting with Dean each day. It is as though he is her only reason to live. She is shunning her family and has completely shunned me in that I haven't spoken to her once since I visited her in the hospital the first day she was there. I was told by Dean that she did not want me to come back to the hospital. I tried multiple times to get in touch with her but those incidents (which are simple phone calls and emails) are being used against me as she seeks Stalking charges on me in a court of law. Donna and I were on perfectly good terms before Dean came to the US. Our friendship was suffering a bit because Dean for so long had pressed her to sever ties with me, and though she refused, she had started pushing me away a bit, but any time I faded into the background, she pulled me back, saying she needed me and she didn't understand why I hadn't called her or come to see her.

Okay, so even the short version is longer than I expected and I apologize for that, but I so badly want some insight if there is any to be had. Donna has turned on me, betrayed me, and is trying to drag me into court on stalking (and even theft, explained later) charges. Her cousin and her aunt say she seems to have lost all touch with reality. Her boyfriend seems to be controlling her every move. She even told her cousin that Dean is "making her" press stalking charges against me. But yet she is her own person, right? Or can she be totally and completely controlled by this very obviously troubled man. I badly want to be simply angry and just walk away but there is a huge part of me that still cares deeply for Donna and sees this little girl who is unable to think for herself right now... so vulnerable and the exact type of man she should not be with (IMHO) seems to almost have possessed her, robbed her soul. I know that's a little extreme to say, but even family says they do not see Donna in Donna anymore, for the last few weeks. Can someone control a bipolar, possibly borderline, person to the degree that the person's core self seems to be missing in action? Or could it be that she is not on medication? Or a combination (a couple of days ago she was prescribed Abilify and Chlorozapine). Can the meds bring her around? I keep hoping something will help my friend. Whoever reads this, I thank you so much for your time. For those who read the long version, I really really thank you for your time! Any insight or suggestions would be appreciated. I am lost here, feeling like I am fighting a losing battle and yet holding out hope. It can not be emotionally healthy for me, but hopefully I can cope. My friend is and always has been a fragile being, so vulnerable, just waiting to be exploited. And now, the person that was is fading away, almost gone.

Longer version: (!)

This is about one of my closest friends who I feel like I am losing ... My friend, Donna, whom i met n college more than twenty yrs ago, is diagnosed bipolar and it has been said that she has borderline personality disorder. Anyway, in Nov. 2011 she met a guy while living in Denmark with a friend. They hit it off right away and she fell head over heels pretty much immediately. I wondered about this dude from the very get go, because she said he told her he had been in the Irish Republican Army, was a world champion MMA fighter and swimmer, was once a huge cocaine dealer in Copenhagen, the scale of Scarface, and he owned his own construction company. I just somehow doubted all or most of that. Those in the IRA just don't tell people that, from what I understand, and coke dealer as big as Scarface? Anyway, she came back to the States (she visits Denmark periodically) and proclaimed to be madly in love with "her Jason Statham." He called her every day at least once, many times twice and sometimes more. He sent her a daily photo of his penis, in different positions, sometimes dressing it up with masks and such. He masturbated on Skype or FaceTime for her daily, things like that. Time went on and he started becoming very angry if she did not answer her phone. She sometimes told him she didn't see that he called (she likes to sleep in and he was calling her every morning at 730 a.m. to try to get her out of bed. He started taking screen shots of the record of the call he made and showing them to her when she said she didn't see the call. Without going too much into detail, readers probably get my gist. He disliked me terribly and I could tell, because he would tell her she was different when she was around me (she wasn't) and try to guilt her into staying at her Mom's house instead of coming to the town where I live (she had been working with the company my husband and I own). He would tell her things like her mother needs her (I adore Donna, but her mother frankly gets tired of Donna after a few days) and that she needs to do the right thing and spend time with her mother because she will be gone one day, that kind of stuff. His attempts at controlling Donna grew more frequent and more desperate, making random "test" calls to make sure of what she was doing and where she was.

The dude, Dean, has a 10-year-old daughter. Donna visited Dean for a month in the spring of 2011 but Dean sent her away to her friends' house on weekends because he got his daughter then and he said his daughter's therapist said it would be bad for the girl, Molly, to meet a girlfriend since her parents were recently divorced. Some time after Donna got back to the States, Dean (who was now calling Donna daily a minimum of two to three times and sometimes many more) told Donna his ex-wife had allowed her boyfriend to meet Molly, and so Dean wanted Donna to come meet Donna. Strangely, though, he wanted to create some fantasy for Molly to live with about how he met Donna. He left a photo of Donna on his refrigerator and Molly asked who that was, as expected. He told her the picture was of Donna (Smith), a famous American model who he wants badly to meet. She of course offered to help him meet her. He said he knew a friend of hers, which was me, and gave Molly my email address so that she could ask me to connect her daddy and Donna. Donna responded as me and said she would and gave Molly her phone number and Donna and Dean played the whole charade out to make Molly think she was responsible for them getting together. Donna visited that summer, met Molly, they hit it off really well.

Donna went to Denmark every couple of months and usually stayed about four weeks, staying with Dean each time. On one occasion, she wanted to visit her longtime friend (the one she was living with when she met Dean) and she went there, they partied and drank a little much, and she called to let Dean know she was going to stay the night. He told her he would put all of her stuff out on the curb if she did that. So he got his way and Donna was only "allowed" to visit her friend briefly on one more occasion during this trip and two times the next trip.

While she was in Denmark, Dean requested she not bathe, because he wanted to "keep her clean." A few weeks after she left Denmark from one of her trips, Dean complained to her that he was furious with Molly because she was laying with him in bed (she sleeps with him when she stays there) and she spilled a drink on the bed. That meant he had to change his sheets, which he had kept unwashed because they had her (Donna's) smell on them. Whoa.

Donna's attitude had changed about Dean... she wasn't all in love any more, no giddiness, really just a lot of annoyance. Yet she wished to remain in the relationship (I'm in this for the experience, to see what I can get out of it, she would say). Dean convinced her he was making her a better person, teaching her how to be an adult and how to be considerate of others (namely, him!) Time trucked along, he still called her multiple times daily when she was in the States, and barely let her do anything unless it was with him or Molly when she was in Denmark (she would even hide in his bathroom to call me and cry when she had had enough).

They really seemed to have an unhealthy relationship.. I saw it, as did her friends and family and coworkers. It remained one-sided, always with him preaching to her or telling her she wasn't doing something right or needed to do something differently. Did I mention he knows everything? Well, according to him he does. Hilariously sad case in point- I posted on Instagram a picture of my daughter doing a karate jump and he commented publicly saying she had it all wrong and telling her the "proper" way to do the kick. My daughter is 12. I was completely pissed. Donna called him to tell him that wasn't very nice and he responded, I kid you not, "Does she know I'm a champion? Have you told her I am a champion?"

At some point, Dean started trying to get Donna to move in with him, move to Denmark. I don't think she took it too seriously until at some point he started telling her that if she came, she would have a family. She could be Molly's mother, and if she doesn't get pregnant (they had been trying really hard but Donna is about 44 and had a teenage abortion and for some reason she just has not been pregnant since even though she's been very reckless sexually), anyway if she doesn't get pregnant, they can adopt children. He said he wanted many children. I can say that having a family is one thing Donna has always wanted... I think she just felt she didn't have one because she didn't deserve one or maybe being a mother would be too much for her. So, he started playing on her family wishes and telling her he can give her just what she wants, seriously telling her he would even build a white picket fence and they can pick out a dog together as well as their future children.

Fast forward to about almost two months ago. Dean visited the States for the first time (even though he had been telling her he would visit her for more than a year in lieu of her going to him (she paid air fare and expenses so it was expensive for her, or rather I should say for her mother). He was in the States for two days before she overdosed on her own meds, intentionally, to the point of being comatosed. I visited her there, at some point asked her why she did that and she wrote (couldn't speak because she was on a ventilator with tubes up her nose and in her mouth) "to get attention." I gave her a puzzled look and she wrote, "He said he was leaving, going back to Denmark, I didn't want him to." Wow. Soonafter, he showed up at the hospital while I was in there. He grabbed her head and began whispering to her. He whispered to her for a good five minutes, then walked out without an audible word to myself or Donna's mother, who was also in the room.

I later realized that he essentially told her if I stay, he leaves. When I came back in the room later after she and Dean had been alone a bit, I saw written on the paper on her bed, "I will tell her to go. I will. I promise." At that point, I realized what he whispered, which is basically he was leaving if I was staying at the hospital. And so I told her I would leave, she did not have to ask me. She teared up and wrote, "Do you know why?" I said I did not. "He is threatened by you," she wrote in response. Okay, then. I had a run in with him before I left the hospital... I heard him telling one too many people one too many times that he saved her life. I mouthed off, "You almost cost her her life. You're in the country for two days and she overdoses her self to oblivion." I don't think I have ever seen the degree of sudden hatred I saw in his face as he moved close to me, pointed his finger at me, and said, "You will be much sorry for that. Do you understand? Much sorry." Okay, then. As I was leaving I told him I will come back and visit Donna at some point, and I did not need his permission. He emailed me the next day, writing that Donna had said she does not want me to come to the hospital at all. Damn!

I left and that was actually the last time I heard from her, sadly. I expected she might let me know how she was doing. She did not. I spoke to her mom on several occasions to find out how she was doing. Her mother said Donna is not contacting me while Dean is in town because "he won't let her." Okay, then. She said Donna had told her she would call me when he left. She stayed in the hospital for three days and then was admitted to a mental hospital, where she stayed for one week. She was taken off of all of her bipolar meds and even when she was released from the hospital, she was not given any prescriptions for her mental illness. By the way, it has also been said that she "could" have schizophrenia.

Fast forward to a little over a week ago. I get an email from Dean accusing me of having stolen many items from Donna that I totally didn't steal... that freakin' came out of nowhere. He advised if I did not return the items he listed, he would try to get our children removed from our home (we had adopted three children through the state's foster system... Donna and I had on about a half dozen occasions smoked pot together and she apparently told him this because he said he would request the state perform a hair follicle test on me) , he try to get the IRS to audit our business stating that he knows we have taken cash payments... basically just a bunch of crap. I responded that I can not return what I did not have, and my suggestion for him would be to do nothing. I was just furious, furious beyond explanation. Threatening me and my children, kids who have already lived a life of abuse and neglect and had come to love and appreciate the safety and stability that being a part of our family offers. I might have been in the wrong for doing this, but I just couldn't help but to fight back. I advised if he took action, I would in turn take action and advise the IRS that Donna did not pay taxes on income she earned from prostitution in Denmark. (she was a prostitute in Denmark up until the time she met Dean, making several hundred dollars a night several days a week, cash (in Danish Krone).

That was the last I heard from him. Three days ago, I received a lawsuit from Donna trying to get a Protective Order placed upon me. There is simply no way in this world that Donna thinks of me as a threat. This stunned me. Feelings of anger, hurt, and confusion combined in a giant toxic feelings' mixture to make me a basket case these last few days. A protective order? Seriously? In her request for the order, she writes that myself and my two daughters went into her elderly mother's home under the pretense of looking for "a white credit card" and went into Donna's bedroom and stole two necklaces valued at 1300 bucks. None of that happened! Her mother is around 60 something and I would hardly call her elderly, there was no mention of a white credit card (!!!???) and we never went in Donna's bedroom. We did on one occasion while Donna was in the hospital visit her mother, chatting with her about Donna's progress and the kids school, etc. Bear in mind that Donna and I were extremely close... she referred to my children as her godchildren and they as their godmother. Donna's mother called my kids her grandkids and she adored them and doted on them as they did her.

Donna's aunt and cousin have contacted me to let me know that Donna found (or possibly even already had) the jewelry and they wanted me to know because they did not think what she was doing was right. They also both said she has been a completely different person since she got out of the hospital. She speaks of moving to Denmark after her Court date on May 13 (her request for Protective Order against me will be heard that day, and she is on that day's court docket for a drug possession charge she had gotten recently). She's telling her family she will be Molly's "new mother," that Dean has told her Molly wants her to be her new mother. (Bear in mind, Molly has a mother who has custody of her and who from all I have seen, takes wonderful care of Molly).

Her cousin, who Donna had been particularly close to, said she can just feel the hatred from Donna lately. Christa has done a lot for Donna and helped her through some hard times. Christa has an unplanned pregnancy and is expected to deliver twins in August. She is in a custody battle herself with her ex-husband over her three children she already says. The pregnancy is from an ex-boyfriend and the timing couldn't be worse for Christa, which has resulted in her seriously considering adoption for the twins. While he was in town, Dean asked Christa if he could take the kids back to Denmark and he and Donna could raise him. Christa did not like Dean already because she has heard him belittling Donna, scolding her, harassing her, making her miserable on the phone many, many times. Christa told Dean, "Let me tell you something... I do not like you, I do not like the way you treat my cousin, and by the way, there aren't any sheep running wild in Louisiana!" The latter referring to a huge verbal lashing Donna got when with Christa because the two had made a trip together and Donna was supposed to call as soon as she reached her destination but she got tied up and was about 30 minutes late from her arrival time in calling him. Christa said he fussed at her for almost two hours straight about her lack of consideration, pointing out that for all he knew, she could have had a horrible wreck when a herd of sheep ran in front of her. Anyway, since his request to Christa for her unborn babies failed, Dean asked Christa's mother and aunt (Donna's mother) if they could talk her into it. By this time, the aunt and Donna's mother were under Dean's "charm" spell and so they did both ask her. Christa's mother has since wised up to Dean and is very angry with him because she blames the significant changes for the worse in Donna on him. Donna's mother stays under the influence of an array of pills for an array of illnesses and conditions, so it's hard to tell where she stands in all of this because she is so "out of it" most of the time.

So here we are today, Donna having severed all contact with me (who she many times referred to as her "closest friend" and "best friend"), and pushing her once close cousin as far away as she can, as well as being cold to her aunt except for the fact that she uses her Internet daily so Dean can Skype her and she eats her meals over there.

As I stated, Donna was just put no some antipsychotic meds (Abilify and Chlorpromazine).

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I'm sorry you have lost your friend. In a nutshell, yes, her behavior can be related to her illnesses. I especially see borderline issues.

I agree that Dean sounds like an evil person--controlling on top of everything else. I wish she would listen to reason, but I can tell you, in her state of mind, she will not. He knows how to push her buttons.

Please know that, were she not sick, she would not be acting this way. I hope she stays on her meds and sees a therapist. But Dean might keep her from that, too.

Those are my thoughts, anyway.

[IceCreamKid]

It sounds like your friend has come under the influence of a con-man. Are you and she living in the US? I'd be inclined to turn him in to immigration or Homeland Security for trying to get U.S. babies out of the US.