Not sure this has a happy solution..

I'll try and keep this simple... I am married, wife happens to be 7 months pregnant (thanks). I feel like a real bastard for having these issues, and perhaps I should, but it can't be helped. First some context:

Sex doesn't seem that important to my wife.. (as a disclaimer, I should mention this was the case BEFORE the child. I'm not so much a **** that I'd expect anything for 9 months of Hell). This situation has gotten worse over just the past couple years (we've been together 6, married 3) and I fully expect some sort of couples counseling down the road.

I've thought about cheating.. I haven't, hope I wouldn't if the option were there, but I can't honestly say. There are a lot of things I miss.

So the current problem then... I have one of those platonic female friends that seem to have not remained so platonic - in my head anyway. We have coffee, talk, she's a really nice outlet for stress, etc. I don't have many friends and she's the only person I can really talk to (other than my wife).

At this point though, it's getting difficult to deal with my feelings for her. I really don't want to cut off or limit the friendship, but I'm not sure there's another solution. I actually mostly avoided her for a couple of weeks, thinking I could calm things down... but we had lunch yesterday and it all came back.

Then of course the whole thing depressed the hell out of me and I ate far too much chocolate as a result...

So anyway, that's about it. Guess I'm looking for advice, or a slap in the back of the head. Maybe both. In any event, thanks for reading.

C

soo you are saying that you would cheat on your wife because she doesnt think that SEX is important? you have got major issues...i think that its totally SELFISH of you to want to cheat on your wife because again SEX is not that important to her! there is more to a relationship then just SEX..its all avbbout love! to me it seems all you want is SEX and thats not cool..you are just as immature as all the freshmen guys in HIGHSCHOOL! OHHHH and there are SOOO many JUNIOR HIGH guys who are more MATURE than you...SOO GET OVER IT....you need to really think if you love your wife...to me it sounds like you dont...because if you really loved her you would listen to her and NEVER EVER think about cheating on her....yeah soo girls are more than just sex toys...figure that out on your own...cause i know you dont even care what i have to say...

I will give you both..... advice and a slap in the head.

You have to be patient and be loving to your wife in other ways outside of the bedroom if you want her to desire to be with you in the bedroom.... thats my advice.

Now - shame on you for turning to another woman for comfort & support instead of going to your wife with your feelings and fears.... dont you know that this is exactly how alot of affairs start.... SLAP! SLAP!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I freely admit to being selfish and immature, but that alone isn't much of a conclusion. Whether convenient to the "all you need is love" slogan or not, sex is an important component of long-term romantic relationships. This is something my wife and I may need to deal with on a professional level at a later time.

In this case the basic problem isn't so much the "lust" side of the equation. I have developed genuine feelings for this other individual. I need to either find a successful way of dealing with these emotions, or end the friendship, and the latter option is something I'd prefer to avoid.

C

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Rhapsody said:
I will give you both..... advice and a slap in the head.

You have to be patient and be loving to your wife in other ways outside of the bedroom if you want her to desire to be with you in the bedroom.... thats my advice.

Now - shame on you for turning to another woman for comfort & support instead of going to your wife with your feelings and fears.... dont you know that this is exactly how alot of affairs start.... SLAP! SLAP!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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I should add I have talked to my wife about the bedroom issues. I don't talk to my friend about them... our friendship isn't outwardly like that. We work together and most of our coffee breaks tend to be work-related conversation.

C

okay...you said that your wife is pregnate right? well heres a hint...girls dont like to have sex when they are pregnat!!!! okay you get have all the fun when having sex...girls have periods..and carry a baby in our stomaches for 9 months...soo you cant complain..okay i think you should just become a girl and see what its like for us...OH by the way...when pregnate..our emottions change like no other...soooo...get over it...

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thePK said:
okay...you said that your wife is pregnate right? well heres a hint...girls dont like to have sex when they are pregnat!!!! okay you get have all the fun when having sex...girls have periods..and carry a baby in our stomaches for 9 months...soo you cant complain..okay i think you should just become a girl and see what its like for us...OH by the way...when pregnate..our emottions change like no other...soooo...get over it...

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I do believe I mentioned this was an issue long before the pregnancy, which I take into account. I truly don't mind highly critical responses, but I would appreciate if you could take note of things I've addressed.

C

im sorry for being rude please forgive me

It sounds like you have a discepancy between your feelings and your values or sense of responsibility. Feelings are not right or wrong - they just are. It is what you do with your feelings that count. I will commend you for recognizing a potential problem and seeking advice before it gets out of hand. Good job on that one!

Your platonic friendship isn't the real issue here, the way I see it. It is more of a sandtrap along the way. The real issue is your relationship with your wife. Your needs are not being met within the marriage (sexual needs, as well as companionship, as evidenced by your need to develop close relationships outside the marriage). Can you think of any unmet needs that your wife has? Relationships do struggle when under stress, and pregnancy definitely adds stress even under the best circumstances. That stress affects both you and your wife. My advice is to concentrate on your marriage. Find out how you can focus on meeting your wife's needs and communicating effectively with her (even if you feel that you are communicating well, there is usually something that can be improved in any relationship). Marriage counseling may be helpful - that is for you to judge.

Good luck!

OK - I need a little more INFO filled in please, before comment any further..... YOUR age / HER age / How long you been married? (and) How long did you two date before you married? - is this your first child?

Thanks...
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Fact - men usually (in most cases) desire sex more than women.... just the difference in our creation, but life and love is so much more once the sex starts to die off - over time and as we age.

Hang in There... for right now I am the one that wants more than him - yeah, you heard me right - lol.

Hi Checkers I am not going to smack you nor shame you for what I feel as very normal human feelings. I know it is NOT easy but I hope you keep away from the potential girlfriend and see her only on the job for now, and maybe run with the wife do not walk to see a T on the subject of your sex drives not matching pre-pregnancy and more so now. I would save the revelation on the desire for the other woman on both levels for a private session with the T so your wife isn't hit with that part at this time. I really wish you luck with this you seem like a good guy who feels bad over unmet needs
Safe hugs

Okay, I won't attack you because I understand.

In the beginning of my relationship, later became marriage, I was young and sex meant nothing to me. I'd just lay there, and pretend to be enjoying it, then of course I would do whatever he wanted for his pleasure, but ultimately I was unsatisfied, and did not care. Well after I had my babies, I've all of a sudden felt overwhelmed, and decided YES sex is essential in a marriage and I need it just as much as he does. But I'm still unsatisfied, there is no intimacy, romance, we've been married for 2 years, together for 4, and we've never made out!....I know, it's sad.

There's been times I've thought of other men, and thought of cheating on my husband. It's difficult when there's such a sexual hunger. You know, typically you would attract to a female more because of that hunger, not necessarily because you love your wife less.

I recommend discussing your needs with your wife. Sex is healthy in pregnancy, and it may help her feel more relaxed. I'd also recommend some romance and intimacy, although she has a bump, make her feel beautiful and sexy. When I was pregnant, feeling sexy was not there believe me.

Don't give in to temptation so easily, it would really hurt your wife if you cheated on her in her time of need. Just wait till you see that baby, your appreciation for your wife will change entirely....and hopefully you will be attracted to her in a different way.

Don't give up, and don/'t let anybody make you feel guilty for these feelings.....you know whats right and wrong, it's up to you to find some intimacy, just as much as it is for your wife. Good luck, I hope it all works out, and congrats on the baby.

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Rhapsody said:
OK - I need a little more INFO filled in please, before comment any further..... YOUR age / HER age / How long you been married? (and) How long did you two date before you married? - is this your first child?

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In order... I'm 25, she's 31. Married 3.5 years, together for just over 6 - and yes, this is our first.

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desirae said:
Okay, I won't attack you because I understand.

In the beginning of my relationship, later became marriage, I was young and sex meant nothing to me. I'd just lay there, and pretend to be enjoying it, then of course I would do whatever he wanted for his pleasure, but ultimately I was unsatisfied, and did not care. Well after I had my babies, I've all of a sudden felt overwhelmed, and decided YES sex is essential in a marriage and I need it just as much as he does. But I'm still unsatisfied, there is no intimacy, romance, we've been married for 2 years, together for 4, and we've never made out!....I know, it's sad.

There's been times I've thought of other men, and thought of cheating on my husband. It's difficult when there's such a sexual hunger. You know, typically you would attract to a female more because of that hunger, not necessarily because you love your wife less.

I recommend discussing your needs with your wife. Sex is healthy in pregnancy, and it may help her feel more relaxed. I'd also recommend some romance and intimacy, although she has a bump, make her feel beautiful and sexy. When I was pregnant, feeling sexy was not there believe me.

Don't give in to temptation so easily, it would really hurt your wife if you cheated on her in her time of need. Just wait till you see that baby, your appreciation for your wife will change entirely....and hopefully you will be attracted to her in a different way.

Don't give up, and don/'t let anybody make you feel guilty for these feelings.....you know whats right and wrong, it's up to you to find some intimacy, just as much as it is for your wife. Good luck, I hope it all works out, and congrats on the baby.

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I appreciate the encouragement. In truth I feel guilty enough without needing to pile other people's judgements into the mix. I know what's right and what isn't, but I also know there are only so many things I can do about root emotions.

Believe me I am very attracted to my wife on many levels, and I am also very excited about my coming son.

We've tried sex a couple of times during the last 8 or so months. It just doesn't work out for her. I make frequent offers to just "help" on her end, but she declines.

Anyway.. I know what you mean about making out. For myself it's been a couple of years. I miss it

C

I see something that is very common in a marraige and kudos to you for recognizing it and wanting to do something about it. She is very lucky to have you. The stress and fear of an impending child is enourmous for both people as their independance and freedom is threatened. Your other friend signifies freedom and your wife is so incredibly vulnerable, she couldn't even run to save her own life. If I was in your shoes, I would say 'honey, this is going to be big and I'm concerned that we will lose the intimacy between each other" and go from there. As this thing begins to solve itself, your desire for the other woman will wane. All my best to you and your little family

Ok - first and for most you have to take note that most of the advice you are receiving on the sex part will probably have to wait until after the baby is born.... for this is a trying time for your wife, both physically & emotionally (and) Yes, sex is the last on her mind right now.... PATIENTS is the key word for you and the next couple of months.

IMO - men need to realize that a woman needs to be loved and pampered out side of the bedroom and on a daily or weekly basis for her to respond in the bedroom - she needs to feel special, loved and seen as beautiful to you before she can give of her self.... are YOU aware of this fact? - if not make it your main goal from this day forward.
Keep in mind that she is more like a crock pot (needs to simmer to boil) and that you are probably more like a microwave.... a one touch button and you are ready to pop / heat.

IMO - the age difference here could be a factor in all of this as well.... you are 25 and still in your prime of life wanting and thinking about sex often.... were as your wife is starting to see life in a different view, were sex is nice but other things rank higher on her personal list - like having a family before her biological clock runs down.

Maybe try dating your mate again and making her feel special above all other females in this world and in your eyes..... like you did when you first meet - let the WOW return.

IMO - when a relationship has a problem in any area of life - it is telling both parties that something needs to be fixed... and it always takes two to create an issue, never just one, so look at what you may have done to cause her to retreat from you sexually and start from there.... improve you first and then she will follow..... with time, love and patients.

I personally cannot be sexual with my husband if I am feeling rejected, unwanted or wounded by something he did or said... past or present - mends must be made.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Thanks. The entire situation makes me feel unstable, mildly depressed, highly irritable, etc. It's strange because my normal set of psychological coping mechanisms are geared toward depression, of which these types of emotions are all components. In this case the usual coping tactics don't seem to work very well.

C

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Rhapsody said:
Ok - first and for most you have to take note that most of the advice you are receiving on the sex part will probably have to wait until after the baby is born.... for this is a trying time for your wife, both physically & emotionally (and) Yes, sex is the last on her mind right now.... PATIENTS is the key word for you and the next couple of months.

IMO - men need to realize that a woman needs to be loved and pampered out side of the bedroom and on a daily or weekly basis for her to respond in the bedroom - she needs to feel special, loved and seen as beautiful to you before she can give of her self.... are YOU aware of this fact? - if not make it your main goal from this day forward.
Keep in mind that she is more like a crock pot (needs to simmer to boil) and that you are probably more like a microwave.... a one touch button and you are ready to pop / heat.

IMO - the age difference here could be a factor in all of this as well.... you are 25 and still in your prime of life wanting and thinking about sex often.... were as your wife is starting to see life in a different view, were sex is nice but other things rank higher on her personal list - like having a family before her biological clock runs down.

Maybe try dating your mate again and making her feel special above all other females in this world and in your eyes..... like you did when you first meet - let the WOW return.

IMO - when a relationship has a problem in any area of life - it is telling both parties that something needs to be fixed... and it always takes two to create an issue, never just one, so look at what you may have done to cause her to retreat from you sexually and start from there.... improve you first and then she will follow..... with time, love and patients.

I personally cannot be sexual with my husband if I am feeling rejected, unwanted or wounded by something he did or said... past or present - mends must be made.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

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I don't want to create an impression I do everything right, and I hate to sound like I'm whining... at the same time I recognize I'm not the best person to gauge my own actions and behaviors, which is one reason a third party is so helpful.

Additionally I do understand we won't get very far with sexual issues during and directly after the pregnancy. She's having a lot less fun than I am right now, any way you slice it.

With the disclaimers out of the way... I'd like to think I still do date my wife. Her age IS a factor, no doubt.. as I said, we've talked, but it's hard for her to analyze herself or provide feedback on my own behavior. I get the sense that sex isn't just a non-priority, but it simply isn't on the list most of the time. The fuller issue isn't just intercourse, but really anything beyond basic cuddling (of which there is still plenty, thankfully)

Neither of us really know what to do about that, and it may be there's nothing TO do... it does happen, and for all we know she'll hit 35 and I'll have trouble keeping up.

C

Sex is very important to any healthy relationship. However during her later months of pregnancy some women (not all) don't want anything to do with it. I do believe you should go ahead with marriage counseling now instead of later. I think that would be your best thing to keep away from an afair at this point. I would stop the coffee breaks with the other woman right now. Most relationships stem from casual encounters especially when there is discontent at home. Congrats on the near arrival of your son!

LOL. You said what I was thinking. Women tend to peak at 35 (I did and it hasn't died down much - my poor lover is so tired). In any event, hold on because this little baby is going to be so full of wonderful surprises and tons of work that you, yourself may not be in the mood much. In a year from now you will look back and be amazed at how much has changed.