What is stopping me in my tracks?

I can not seem to move on with my life and relationships since my divorce, 6 years ago. I am still in love with my ex, and we remained intimately close until recently. I am doing my best to not contact him, and getting more depressed as time goes on. I had been in long term relationships before that ended and I moved on. Something serious is going on here! My life has stopped Help!

Seame - welcome to PC. I am divorced also (recently remarried), and I know how hard it is to move on. In fact, I'm not really surprised that you haven't, considering that you remained intimately close until recently. It took me at least 2 years to get to the point where I could think about my ex without feeling tears well up, so the fact that the "breakup" itself is fairly new for you (despite the divorce), you might be looking at some grieving time to go through.

Therapy did help me, but it didn't accelerate the process as I had desperately hoped. I didn't know anything about meds at the time, and don't know if it would have been appropriate for my situation, but I do know that if I had to go through it again, god forbid, the first thing I'd do is go to my Dr. to ask for an antidepressant. But, they aren't for everyone.

Do you have a therapist? If not, it would be a great idea, if for no other reason than to help you feel that you're taking some steps toward moving on without your ex.

I know that there isn't much I can say that will make you feel better - I personally felt like my entire world had come crashing down on me, and it was a looooonnnng time before I actually felt some hope for my future. But, the good news is that I DID get over him (as best as can be expected) and found new, better love. I no longer wish that we could have stayed together -- I am glad that he gave me the opportunity to have found my new husband, because he is all the good about my ex without any of the bad.

Hang in there, and I'm here to listen if you want to talk more.

(((seame))) I agree, although you have been divorced you guys shared a connection, now you are really ending it. Perhaps somewhere you held out hope the two of you would get back togehter? I don't know. I went through something similar with my ex. Long story, and a big OUCH! I am still trying to put it all together, it's hard, therapy does help a whole lot, and having a place like here to chat it out does a great deal.

Any time you need a shoulder, just call out!!! hugs, Lisa

Thanks for your understanding.
I get tired of hearing "Just get over it" if only it were that simple. My concern is that I have become so untrusting,suspicious, and fearful of being hurt that I appear unapproachable. The men that pursue me are not what I would involve myself with. Could I have unrealistic expectations of men in general?

Well, maybe it's some of all of the above. A little of this and that. Right now, wouldn't you rather just heal from this, then go onto something else? I am a firm believer in clsing one door before opening another. You cannot drag in yesterdays news, if that door is shut, right? Right now being unapproachable might be a good thing. You are hurting, and when we hurt we tend to be vulenerable...no need having hawks come in and prey on us.

Unrealistic expectations? Are you looking for Mr. Perfect? He has no flaws? He doesn't exist. If you go by your core values, morals, and characteristics you won't go wrong. You may not find as many fresh perch, but you will avoid sharkm adn baracuda!!!

(((seame))) you will get past this, just give yourself the time you need, and know who you can count on.

are you saying that 6yrs of being alone, single, is not enough time to welcome anyone into my life?

well, do you really consider it to be 6 years, considering your recent relationship with your ex? For me, the healing wouldn't have been able to begin until after the intimate relationship ended.

I don't know - do you want to tell us more about how you're feeling or the circumstances? It's probably too easy for us to draw assumptions or to give suggestions that don't apply to your situation, since we don't know much.

But once again, my heart goes out to you, because I know that it can't be easy. But, it DOES get better...

Under normal circumstances, I would say that six years IS enough time, but in your first post you said you're still in love and were still intimate with your ex-husband. In that case, then, no, it isn't enough time. I'd start the actual countdown from the point you have absolutely no contact with your ex. You didn't say if there are children involved that keep you needing to be in some form of contact though. If there aren't, I'd say cut the cord completely. Or perhaps the best thing in your situation is to not break up with him and stay in a non-married relationship.

Then again, I've never understood people getting divorced but staying together.

I never said six years time wasn't enough alone time. You are the one that said you have still had someone, your ex, in your life all this time. Although the divorce papers went through six years ago, the emotional and physical connection have still been there, and for whatever reason they are stopping now. Perhaps now not only is this relationship ending, but also the full reality of the marraige over is coming to the surface. That can stop one in the footsteps, real easy...it's a lot to deal with. Like anything though, time heals it...it's a slow process. You can get through this. (((seame))) hugs, Lisa

I am new to this forum, but I am going to jump right in....

Your marriage died....but continuing your intimate relationship did not allow you to bury it, and move on...you haven't really gone through the greiving process if you are still making love with your ex husband.....

Your mind, might know it is diviorced, but your heart went right on loving.....

I had someone in my life, I was crazy in love with....I kept breaking it off and he kept showing up anyway....I had to find a friend...kind of like in AA....someone to help me be strong....when I wanted to give in and resume my relationship.....no matter how much I loved him....it wasn't healthy for me.....that was something that wasn't going to change.....

Even though I have been married for almost 20 years...this man still periodically calls me.....he shows up places where I might be.....he has been married 3 times in these years, and his last wife says he has photos of me up on the wall.....his poor wife....

Some times we just stay attatched to what we want something to be....what it could be.....not what the reality of it, really is.....

You are divorced, but you are not opening your Self up, to new experiences, and new loves, if you are still in an intimate relationship with your ex husband.....that creates a habit of loving......and never really allows you to let go.........

I feel for you.....it is good to find people to talk to....and find someone who will help you to be strong when you have trouble staying away..........

Blessings to you.......
Hummer

I agree with the people here in this thread that only after the finality of the ending of the relationship and NO contact can you begin the work of rebuilding and recovery.
Patty

Thank you for your support, There really is alot more to it than just hanging on. When we broke up six years ago, the relationship was not in trouble, at least not seriously. I wanted to work on it, he didn't feel it necessary. I helped him discover who he is and he agrees with that. I believe that true love is when you are concerned, enhance,and support the others spiritual growth. Could it be that is what we are still doing?

I don't know seame. Why did things change now? That you stopped being intimate with him? That whatever you had stopped? Only you and he can answer that question. Have you asked him? Have you asked him if he wants more? Is this relationship that the two of you have had been a secret from people all this time? By the way you speak it doesn't sound like it was very open, because some people think you should be over him by now.

Maybe it's time to just ask him outright, if you want more...you will never know. Then you can decide what you want to do from there. Be like things are now. Or move on with your life and let someone new in.

(((seame))))) hugs, Lisa

Thanks again for your in put. I realize you don't know the details of my story, I will fill you in slowly if you want me to. One of the problems with not contacting him again is that i live with his mother. I became homeless a couple years after my divorce when my depression was at a dangerous peak. living couch to couch and the rest of the time in my car. My ex mother-in law offered to let me stay with her. I eventually got a job and pay a small amount of rent for a small bedroom.
I know that it is long over due that I should be out of his family, I have no where to go, and my income is so low that paying anything in the real world would be impossible at this time