Depending on my married penpal too much...

My penpal, high school/college sweetheart and I have corresponded for almost 8 years now. I have met his lovely wife when he visted here. He is the Harvard grad Boston lawyer about whom I've written here before. We grew up together in rural coal mining Boone County WV under rather impoverished conditions, encouraging each other in our education and continuing contact until after college graduation. 30+ years later, we are still in contact. He has told me he will never leave his wife (who inherited a million+ estate, incidentally), but insists our contact is essential and that he loves me. His wife, who also has a high-powered job is away to China or some other exotic place in the next month. He has mentioned coming down here to visit. Since the initial meeting with him and his wife, I've actually seen him alone two other times when he was down here in WV for arbitration hearings. Each visit was loaded with sexual tension and attraction, which I resisted except for hugs and increasing kisses. We've talked about this in email and acknowledged our attraction. I believe, though, that this next visit would be morally wrong, leading to heartache for ME! ...seems sneaky...him coming down here while his wife is away.
I have to admit, I rely on his emails for emotional sustenance, being alone here and choosing to be so, yet yearning for emotional contact. With him alone I can be myself.
I will discourage him from coming down here to WV. Regarding the email contact, I do not have the strenght to stop it. He was away this past week to Cape Cod and not hearing from him, I felt a great void.
Let me hear your thoughts on this matter...particularly my email addiction to this man.
Patty

This is only my opinion......

I think you have to choose what kind of person you are......are you going to be a woman who cheats with another woman's husband.........or not.........As long as he is married you would be choosing to break vows.....made before his God....spoken aloud....and witnessed.......

I don't think it is the friendship with the man through e-mail.....that is in question....it is your actions....the choice you make will have consequences.....

Just because you feel something sexual, does not mean you have to act upon it.....if you do....you have already told your Self......you, will have the broken heart....so why would that be your choice...

If you choose the love found in friendship...instead....it can be a love that lasts for the rest of your days......instead of until you get caught....doing something that does not honor your friendship.....or his marriage vows......

The Dali Lama wrote a book.....about the pursuit of happiness....... saying it is every ones right to pursue happiness.....the question you ask your Self is.....are you making a choice......that is founded in the pursuit of true happiness.......or are you making choices in the pursuit of pleasure.....which is an entirely different thing.......

Life is about making choices.....every moment.....

I have a friend who is married that is hugely loved by me....he helps me to live.....I have a brain injury.....that has loss of memory attatched.....I am married also.......His wife loves me.....there is nothing I would hide...I make my choices so that I ring true to my Self......the person that is good with in me.......

I love them both...but he is special to me....

We carry an energy about us....in everything we do....there is never a question in anyones mind that I would choose the path that would lead to destruction of trust........

True friendship is such a treasure......why would you want to make a choice that in the eyes of your own Heart would cause your Soul to be a bit tarnished..?...

To love someone is not a bad thing.....but to use that Love in a manner that does not stand, in Truth, will only cause you injury..........

Well....I have jabbered.......I send my thoughts to you....in the prayer they will carry something, that holds value to you.......

Blessings to us all........
Hummer

(((Patty)) Ok, I'm just gonna tell it like I see it from back here, I don't know you, so don't take this personally. I think you are playing a chancy game of emotional roulette here. This guy is a cad, that's having the best of both worlds. Slinking around on his wife. Where does his loyalty lie? Kind of reminds me of the traveling salesman.... I can only see heartache for you here. When I think of the right man, or friend for that matter-honesty and repsect are two of the biggie qualities I look for. How bout you? Maybe time to reassess??? I understand that this didn't happen over night for you, but somewhere along the line, boundaries were rolled over. He just doesn't sound to me someone that has a whole lot of respect for women..... hope you find what you need or the strength to make the choice you need and desire. hugs Lisa

Both of you are right in your observations. I want to make it clear that I have never behaved in a way that was immoral with this man, though we did hug and give pecks of kisses during the last two visits. My correspondence with him is more of the friendship type, acknowledging love, but not in a real romantic way, just abiding caring. I dont' think he's a cad or that he disrespects women. His wife knows of our correspondence and he has even said she does the same with old boyfriends. I have no delusions about setting up housekeeping with him or having a long distance affair. The contact with him is a fulfillment for me however...something I miss when it's not there, and he expresses the same. Is this wrong?
Patty

I agree with everyone here.
Remember that cheating isn't always physical, it can be emotional too...

Hi seeker,

I agree with the other posts in most things and also with TanyaGrave that there is "emotional" cheating as well as physical.

Think of this, if you will, What if you were married and your husband had a woman "friend" like you are to this man would you feel comfortable about it all-- ........ And the woman friend made herself available to emotionally support your husband, even at times, when in private together---- would you feel like your territory was being trespassed upon? Would you feel good things about that woman "friend"? Is the woman "friend" helping the man's marriage or hindering it?

just some things to think about......

Your mind is already telling you if it's right or wrong....... perhaps you are hoping someone will support or discount your mind?

Thinking of you, seeker---

hope I haven't offended you.....it was surely not my intention.

mandy

Thanks, Tanya and Mandy...
Before logging on, I was thinking just the thing you have written, Mandy.
I would definitiely not,NOT, be happy to know my husband was in frequent email communication with an old girlfriend.
Hmmm. that alone tells me this is not right.
Thanks
Patty

I want to write more words to you.....maybe I don't understand....my brain injury....sometimes I don't grasp things in the same manner as the person sitting next to me......

I hate politics.....my husband loves it....he could talk and argue it,,,day or night.....my eyes glaze over.......

when he gets too far into a monolog....I look up at him and start spouting the different names of ribbons and laces I use in my sewing.......grosgrain...picot edge....double faced satin....he quits talking immediantly....because he has NO INTEREST what so ever.....in any of that........NONE...

There is a woman......he knows....who will, at the drop of a hat.....for hours on end...spew on about politics......I say....go for it.....I take her dogs for a walk....and let them have at it......

This woman.....was in lust with my husband......I used to tell him, and he would always shake his head....and look at me and tell me I was nuts.....but I told him the things she said and how she would act towards me when my husband would leave the room.......

I told him.....I don't care if you visit her, and I don't care when you talk with her....I trust you.....I just want to know when you go to her house.....and I want you to be aware of how she feels......

I don't think you get to pick someone elses friends, and no one is going to pick mine for me, either.....

My husband never believed what I had told him about this woman......he would stop by her house at least twice a week....his work moved him about during the day, and often he would be near her home and he stop there for pit stops during the day.....use her bathroom have a glass of tea.....it is the way we were both raised....the culture of our raising and way of life, it wasn't anything odd.......maybe to others, but not to us......

Well, the woman finally couldn't stand just being his friend, and put the moves on him, so to speak....she was very wealthy and offered him the life a lot of people dream of.....only he would have to get rid of me......

I always felt sorry for her......my husband would have been her friend for the rest of her life.....now he despises her and will have nothing to do with her.....

I see her, out and about ,once in a while....she always wistfully asks after him.....

How often do you wish for a friend.....there are masses of humanity, surrounding you, but it is some spark, that connects......shaping a friendship.......

Your friend is someone you have a history with.....you shared great parts of your life with him.....you know each other in ways no one else does.....I don't think it is wrong to love your friends......I tell my friend I love him all of the time....people who don't understand think it is bad.......

I had trouble with it sometimes.....thinking, was it bad.....it didn't feel bad to me......but everyone else seemed to think a platonic friendship was impossible.....

I worried....my brain injury, sometimes I don't trust my own vision of understanding....until his wife wrote me a letter....telling me how glad she was that her husband had such a close relationship with me....how good it was, for her husband, having me for a friend.....telling me not to listen to what other people said......to never change, and stay just the way I am....perfect in every way.......

(boy did I wave that letter around in my husbands face....laughing....I was perfect....it said so in print.)

The wife of one if my doctors told me everytime she saw me....that I was good for her husband.....I never really understood that one.....but she said it......

It is how you conduct yourselves.....the intention with which you offer love......I don't know if I can explain what I mean.....only you can know in your heart what kind of friendship you have.....

My friend is my family.....my husband tells me to go call him sometimes.......his wife, when they get in arguments, tells him she is going to call me and tell me he is being mean......I laugh my head off......

I pray for them all.....I honor her, and love her, for the woman my friend has chosen for his partner.....I will not act against any of us...

Boy I have rambled on....do you understand what I mean....what I am trying to explain......it doesn't have to be a bad thing......unless your friendshlp is like my husbands friend....the intention founded in a desire for something more than what was offered.......

I shall quit with this novel......

Blessings to you........
Hummer

Thanks, Hummer!
I would never try to seduce or even suggest a sexual relationship with him. I do like hearing from him via email, but a person to person visit would be emotionally exhausting!
Patty