[LoveConfused]

The new guy I have been talking to/seeing has ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality, and schizoaffective. Recently, he admitted to a mental health hospital where he is only allowed 1 phone call a day. He called me tonight.. I just hung up with me. The last thing he said to me was I love you & all I said was goodbye. Now I feel horrible & guilty that I didn't say it back. I am very new to all this and am worried how he is reacting/feeling and maybe I should have just said it. It is really bothering me, because I can't call him back & I have to wait till tomorrow hopefully he calls back.

Do you love him? If you don't or are not sure, then you're right not to say that if you don't mean it. Please don't feel guilty, or pressured into declaring something because of his situation. Be true to you.

Hugs

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LoveConfused

The new guy I have been talking to/seeing has ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality, and schizoaffective. Recently, he admitted to a mental health hospital where he is only allowed 1 phone call a day. He called me tonight.. I just hung up with me. The last thing he said to me was I love you & all I said was goodbye. Now I feel horrible & guilty that I didn't say it back. I am very new to all this and am worried how he is reacting/feeling and maybe I should have just said it. It is really bothering me, because I can't call him back & I have to wait till tomorrow hopefully he calls back.

I agree with riotgrrl. Also,

(1) you called him a "new guy I have been talking to/seeing" - normally, as a matter of rule, people do not "love" every new guy they have been "talking to" - love at first sight is an exception. So, that.

(2) "ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality, and schizoaffective" - people cannot have bipolar and schizoaffective, but can have either or. So there is some confusion in his mind about his diagnosis, which he transferred to you. Whatever his exact diagnosis is, those are serious disorders (ADHD perhaps less serious than the rest in terms of relating to people) and you should step back, read up on them, and assess whether you are prepared for such a handful. If you are not, it is perfectly OK to say so in a polite way and stick to your guns.

(3) he is probably on a "locked unit" (the more severe type of psychiatric inpatient) since he is only allowed one call a day. That speaks to the severity of the concerns, which calls for doing even more of (2) above. Also, if the hospital is that restrictive, you probably would not be able to visit, but you should inquire. Do you know which hospital and can you call the unit to inquire about general rules for visitors?

[LoveConfused]

I understand we do not fall in love with every new person we talk to and/or date, but it is possible. Do you think he said I love you, because of his illnesses? I was not aware that someone could not be diagnosed ADHD & schizoaffective. I will definitely ask him about this and yes I am trying to research everything. That's why I'm glad I found this forum.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I agree with riotgrrl. Also,

(1) you called him a "new guy I have been talking to/seeing" - normally, as a matter of rule, people do not "love" every new guy they have been "talking to" - love at first sight is an exception. So, that.

(2) "ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality, and schizoaffective" - people cannot have bipolar and schizoaffective, but can have either or. So there is some confusion in his mind about his diagnosis, which he transferred to you. Whatever his exact diagnosis is, those are serious disorders (ADHD perhaps less serious than the rest in terms of relating to people) and you should step back, read up on them, and assess whether you are prepared for such a handful. If you are not, it is perfectly OK to say so in a polite way and stick to your guns.

(3) he is probably on a "locked unit" (the more severe type of psychiatric inpatient) since he is only allowed one call a day. That speaks to the severity of the concerns, which calls for doing even more of (2) above. Also, if the hospital is that restrictive, you probably would not be able to visit, but you should inquire. Do you know which hospital and can you call the unit to inquire about general rules for visitors?

[hamster-bamster]

You cannot be bipolar and schizoaffective - there is what is called "differential diagnosis" to tell which one somebody has. It can change over time because bipolar is an episodic illness and proper diagnosis requires some length of time observing a person. Since you are researching, you will soon figure things out for yourself.

There is precious little information to say why he said "I love you" so I would not spend any time pondering that.

Originally Posted by LoveConfused

I understand we do not fall in love with every new person we talk to and/or date, but it is possible. Do you think he said I love you, because of his illnesses? I was not aware that someone could not be diagnosed ADHD & schizoaffective. I will definitely ask him about this and yes I am trying to research everything. That's why I'm glad I found this forum.

I do not believe in quick love, as love is something that grows with time but I do believe in infatuation and the honeymoon period where everything can be so wonderful and addictive.

I don't know if he said he loved you because of his illness - I know nothing about it to speculate. But I can imagine that he's in a hard place now, with his situation in hospital. Although it must be the best place for him, it must be hard for him. I wonder if he was reaching out to you - afraid he may lose you? You may be the good, solid thing in his life and it would make sense, with or without mental illness.

Hugs.

[LoveConfused]

Thank you for the information. I will ask him about the bipolar/schizoaffective diagnosis again. It's just hard to talk about anything serious, because we only get a few minutes, 1 call a day, while he is in the hospital. I have so many questions, but I'm afraid I will overwhelm him. How should I ask him or bring this up?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You cannot be bipolar and schizoaffective - there is what is called "differential diagnosis" to tell which one somebody has. It can change over time because bipolar is an episodic illness and proper diagnosis requires some length of time observing a person. Since you are researching, you will soon figure things out for yourself.

There is precious little information to say why he said "I love you" so I would not spend any time pondering that.

[LoveConfused]

I care about him, worry about him, and want to continue getting to know him & understanding his illnesses. However, I'm not there yet or ready to say I love you. I think he said it too fast. I'm not sure if he really means it, is scared to lose me, or maybe just wants someone to love him so much. I know that he doesn't have a good relationship with his family and his only serious girlfriend was abusive towards him. He says I'm very different from her & I'm his reason to get out of the hospital & get better. I'm just scared and nervous, becsuse I have not experienced this before and I don't know what the future would be like.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I do not believe in quick love, as love is something that grows with time but I do believe in infatuation and the honeymoon period where everything can be so wonderful and addictive.

I don't know if he said he loved you because of his illness - I know nothing about it to speculate. But I can imagine that he's in a hard place now, with his situation in hospital. Although it must be the best place for him, it must be hard for him. I wonder if he was reaching out to you - afraid he may lose you? You may be the good, solid thing in his life and it would make sense, with or without mental illness.

Hugs.

[hamster-bamster]

Do not ask him about the diagnosis if you have so little time on the phone with him. Plus, schizoaffective is diagnosed over a period of time.

[LoveConfused]

I was going to say that I agree and try to make the few minutes as happy & positive as possible. However, I got a phone call today & he has been discharged. I am so happy! He is staying with his mom for now.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Do not ask him about the diagnosis if you have so little time on the phone with him. Plus, schizoaffective is diagnosed over a period of time.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LoveConfused

I was going to say that I agree and try to make the few minutes as happy & positive as possible. However, I got a phone call today & he has been discharged. I am so happy! He is staying with his mom for now.

I would add a touch of realism to your happiness - American mental health is notoriously underfunded, and locked units deal with situations of sheer crisis and only with those situations. So the fact that he was discharged only means that he is not in a situation of sheer crisis.

[LoveConfused]

He told me he was admitted, because he became upset & felt like hurting himself. He went to the regular hospital to be admitted 1 night while he calmed down. Instead the admitted him to a mental health hospital where he spent almost 2 weeks. Since, they sent him home doesn't that mean he is of no harm to himself?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I would add a touch of realism to your happiness - American mental health is notoriously underfunded, and locked units deal with situations of sheer crisis and only with those situations. So the fact that he was discharged only means that he is not in a situation of sheer crisis.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LoveConfused

He told me he was admitted, because he became upset & felt like hurting himself. He went to the regular hospital to be admitted 1 night while he calmed down. Instead the admitted him to a mental health hospital where he spent almost 2 weeks. Since, they sent him home doesn't that mean he is of no harm to himself?

the median length of stay on locked units for danger to self is much shorter than two weeks. Probably it means that he is not in danger, but nothing is guaranteed. The hospital did the right thing routing him to a mental health unit because medical units are not set up to deal with such issues.

To sum up - in reality, it means that he is probably a little better than when he was admitted, and not much else.