[bartur]

When I was 16, I met a guy visiting my country over the summer. Although I knew him for merely two weeks, he was the first person in my life who I felt a genuine connection with outside of my family. I've had many great true friends since and a boyfriend I loved, but I never found anyone so close. He was my ‘soulmate.’

He felt crazy about our friendship, based on our heartfelt talks and extensive correspondence during his stay. There was nothing physical, but I was very attracted to him. I knew the distance would be a problem in maintaining our relationship, but I always imagined us 'ending up' together, as he promised me he would try to return soon.

After he went home - to another continent - we instantly lost touch. Only I initiated any contact. He replied rarely and impatiently, brushing me off with annoyed answers. After three years of missing him, mild depression and desperate attempts to communicate, I decided that the only way to live, was to try to forget him. I erased him in my mind for two years. Eventually, I felt I could ‘breathe’.

Half a year ago, I congratulated him on an accomplishment I knew had been his childhood dream. My only intention was to express happiness for him. However, he replied in a very joyful tone, and we’ve been exchanging letters for four months. Once again there’s this connection, intellectually stimulating and honest to the core. He mentioned he would love to re-connect in person, probably barely platonically. I have an opportunity to move to his city in two years. At the same time, he’s been in what seems a happy relationship for a year, as he put it ‘this might be it’.

I'm completely lost and don't know what to do. On the one hand, it seems that by discontinuing our epistolary friendship and cutting myself off from him completely I will be able to live my life in better mental health, not creating imaginary non-existent future. Yet, I will lose what has become my regular source of ‘intellectual nutrition,’ a gateway to share my deepest thoughts. On the other hand, if I continue writing, there will always be a part of me that believes some invisible powers will bring us together one day. But my rationality is telling me that part of me will only end up seeing him marry someone else and forget me anyway.

Life is never a promise... You can dream those things and hope for them but it may not work out. It also may be that he splits up with his g/f and then hooks up with you later down the line, or splits up and doesn't hook up with you. It could be that he just doesn't see you as g/f material, or that the timing has never been right. Nothing is given and no, you shouldn't pin your hopes on this. 2 years is a long time too, before you get to see each other regularly, and you may just have met someone yourself that you're crazy about by then or simply no longer feel like that about him. I feel like you are worrying about something in some respects is a long way into the future.

But.. its rare that we meet people that we connect with. Does it have to be all or nothing with you? I mean, can you handle having what may be a really really good friend or will you never be able to give up on your romantic dreams? I just wonder because even having a great, true friend can be such a gift and personally thinking, worth their weight in gold. I wonder if it would work out if you let him go romantically (and help your mental health) and just become a great friend instead.

I do hope you do what feels right for you tho. Hugs

[bartur]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Life is never a promise... You can dream those things and hope for them but it may not work out. It also may be that he splits up with his g/f and then hooks up with you later down the line, or splits up and doesn't hook up with you. It could be that he just doesn't see you as g/f material, or that the timing has never been right. Nothing is given and no, you shouldn't pin your hopes on this. 2 years is a long time too, before you get to see each other regularly, and you may just have met someone yourself that you're crazy about by then or simply no longer feel like that about him. I feel like you are worrying about something in some respects is a long way into the future.

But.. its rare that we meet people that we connect with. Does it have to be all or nothing with you? I mean, can you handle having what may be a really really good friend or will you never be able to give up on your romantic dreams? I just wonder because even having a great, true friend can be such a gift and personally thinking, worth their weight in gold. I wonder if it would work out if you let him go romantically (and help your mental health) and just become a great friend instead.

I do hope you do what feels right for you tho. Hugs

Thank you very much for your reply, it means a lot to me. It's very true, I can't predict what will happen, especially in a perspective of two years. I think it's problematic that I've always envisioned some kind of distant future with him. But life has already proved to me that it writes its own scenarios with twists and turns I wouldn't expect, and although I know it will require much work I will try with an open heart to let it take its own course.

Unfortunately, I always have that 'all or nothing' attitude towards various aspects of my life, although I do realize it's often better to go for some kind of an optimum than choose an extreme. I think that letting him go as a romantic interest but not a friend would be much harder for me than to completely lose touch with him. I am just afraid that if I continue just our friendship, subconsciously I won't be ok with it and I will try to deceive myself into thinking that I am, until it backfires at me. I don't want to fall into a deep denial from which I will wake up in the most unexpected moment. But I think I will try to make that effort, continue our friendship and at the same time be completely honest with myself about my feelings.

xx

[bipolarLady7]

I agree that being friends with this man seems like a great idea. It's certainly much safer than hoping for something that won't come true. What I learned as a teenager and told my younger brothers, is still true now: it's wonderful to have a good friend, and that is often better than being in a deeper relationship that could end badly. (I hope I put that right.)