[casinadumas]

First a little background. My mom raised me on her own for 18 years without any help from my father who was out impregnating other women and abandoning them as well. I decided at the age of 9 that the man was a loser and not worth my time and then they decide they are still in love, even though they had not met in 18 years and guess who moved in. But it was about my mom being happy so of course I went along and did not voice my reservations. 14 years, 2 runaway episodes, years of therapy and me staying the hell away and they seem to have found a way to be married.

ATM my dad is unable to work due to faulty hip replacements that need to be removed and new prosthetics inserted. He was working for the state so he has good insurance, my mom retired from the city a few years ago and so she has medical coverage. The issue really isn't money, although it is starting to be a concern.

What is going on is the fact that my dad has the attitude of a 8 year old, he is defensive, argumentative, kinda delusional about his situation and completely unappreciative of the fact that my mom is taking care of every aspect of his life.

She goes through his insurance documents, she makes the follow up appointments, she gets his meds, makes his meals, handles the bills, drives him around and oh so much more. How does he react, like she is purposefully taking away his ability to run his own life. He yells and throws tantrums, makes accusations and hurts himself by not following doctor advice.

You may ask, well isn't she by doing everything? Trust me from experience we know, if this man does not have someone taking care of him he will happily live in squalor avoiding all of his responsibilities. I am not kidding unless he nagged and nagged he won't even go to the doctor for blood in his urine. True story, he peed blood for a week before even telling my mom and then it took another week for her to convince him to get medical help. Oh and yup it was because he had a damn tumor on his right kidney.

OK so enough of the tl;dr. The last two days have been ultra tense b/c of course my mom let my dad handle his own medical/job stuff for about a week and the insurance got canceled-.- I am living at home b/c my fancy college degree is doing jack to help me get to work. Needless to say my unemployed self sitting around their house is not making the situation any better. But I am here now and they are the situation they are and I want very much to help. I want to know how to help them talk to each other without fighting. I want my mom to feel like her life hasn't been a total failure. I want a freaking family since they went to all the trouble of traumatizing me and then getting back together and now messing me up in other ways.

sorry for the long read and thanks for getting through it!

There are too many issues here - your mum's issue of letting herself get treated badly. Your fathers issues of treating your mother badly and acting immature (and by the way, I think men not going to the doctor is very very common). And there is your issue of wanting a happy family where it may not be possible.

Am afraid that you will not be able to change your parents by yourself. Only they can change but that also means they need to admit some personality flaws and perhaps some therapy. Personally thinking the only thing you can do is help them when you can, when you want to but also not give so much of yourself that you get angry, hurt and resentful. Acceptance that they are less than perfect really helps. Sometimes our parents are less than we hope for, its a real sad thing to have, and it leaves it up to ourselves to make sure we protect our own well-being.

Hugs to you.

[healingme4me]

I am at a loss for words, other than to reiterate a statement given to me by one of my T's.

It's their choice.

(He used his choice, when referring to my dad's choice in a second wife, but 'their' will suffice, to pass this one line to you.)

I grasped that one, rather immediately, and hope you can, use it to help you during this crisis moment in your home/family life.

As far as living there, albeit a fancy degree and all, which I can relate well to that piece of paper, what else can you do, to change your living situation? A couple of part time jobs? Finding a roommate, to move in with? Sounds like a toxic situation, to live around.