[excelsior]

Hi all,

Maybe you can help me solve my dilemma or just lend a sympathetic ear to my situation. This is long but I'd really appreciate it if you'd read it.

I have always suffered with my moods being all over the place -- one minute sheer euphoric elation, the next despondency -- although until this year I had never been formally diagnosed with anything other than depression. I gave up on psychiatry until this relationship I'm (maybe, idk) still in triggered another episode.

Me (35, F) and the other person in this situation (also 35, F) met on a dating site that claimed to match you up by compatibility. So much for that!

She is very career oriented and was upfront from the start that she loves being high powered, making lots of money, and having a nice "lifestyle". She regularly works 12 hour days to punishing targets.

I happily work at a struggling non-profit that I really care about so as you can imagine I neither have nor prioritise money. At this point, I was relatively stable and comfortable but I was taking a lot of medication (mostly diazepam and lorazepam) prescribed by my regular doctor.

During the first six months of our relationship, she did the fade away and then broke up with me four times and like an idiot (I sometimes don't even understand why I did this) I got back together with her every time. I think I loved her. This is all distant to me now.

Then about nine months into our relationship, she announced that she wasn't making enough money here (the UK) to start her own business and that she wanted to go to Australia to make that money. I didn't want to go. Angst. We finally agreed to try an LDR. She left about a year after we met.

We did manage to carry on an LDR okay, but my anxiety was through the roof as I felt this relationship had never been stable. She told me she loved me, I was her forever, she was going to come back and we'd spend together forever. I started to believe her.

Then, without warning, she signed a contract to stay in Australia a year longer than we'd agreed on and planned for. My anxiety got worse. The wheels began to come off my moods and I was experiencing elation and despondency again. She bought me a ticket to go and see her, and she said she was going to buy me an engagement ring (I never saw any evidence). I felt better but constant anxiety was beginning to eat at me like Pac Man.

Suddenly she announced she'd signed up to a lesbian personals website to meet new friends because she felt she had no gay friends where she was. She met one such friend through the site: "but we're both only looking for friends".

(Background: my last girlfriend before this left me for somebody she met online. It sucked and was an awful time for me. This current woman knew this.)

This next part, I'm not proud of. I tried to be cool with the website thing and her changing the time goalposts but a few days later I had a massive anxiety/panic attack (that my doctor later said was probably dysphoric mania) and proceeded to break up with her during this.

With the help of my concerned parents, I sought professional help while this attack was acutely happening. I spent a night in hospital. After keeping a mood diary, my psychiatrist eventually, a period of time, went from diagnosing me with anxiety disorder to an eventual diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I've had cut my time at work to acclimatise to the medications and the diagnosis.

We got back together, but our relationship is so weird. She won't really listen when I try and explain about my psychiatric problems as a reason for why I did what I did. She cancelled the trip (understandable) and tore up or broke everything I ever gave her. I don't understand why she had to tell me this. She says she cannot trust me any more, which annoys me as she broke up with me four times and I broke up with her once when I was extremely sick.

She is now hardly ever texting me and last time she did talked about all the new people she was meeting and the new friends she had. I keep thinking I'm too sick to break up with her, but that waiting for her to (presumably) do it to me is agonising and anxiety making.

Also, everything this woman does is in opposite world. She once said "we need to talk" after ignoring me for a week. I went there expecting another breakup, and it turned out she wanted to talk about something unrelated. She then got mad at me for thinking "we need to talk" (the internationally recognised symbol for an impending breakup!) signified a breakup.

So I don't know if she actually wants to break up with me although that's the strong suspicion, but I do know it certainly looks like it and that I've lost 10lbs in the last month despite Lamictal and Lithium, anxiety hits me like a Mack Truck every morning, and nothing is worth that.

The good thing is my friends and family have been supportive, but this relationship... ugh. I don't know what to do!

TL;DR I have been diagnosed bipolar and am in a long distance relationship that's kind of like a trainwreck of miscommunication, and I'd like your thoughts on this.

[excelsior]

Well, the strangest thing happened. Posting this today and seeing, in black and white, how wrong we are for each other gave me the courage to let her know it's over. I feel a lot of relief from my anxiety. I know I now have a lot to deal with what with my diagnosis and now this breakup, but at least I know what I'm dealing with now.

[unaluna]

So I don't understand what the question is. You're here, she's there - what relationship? It sounds to me like it's over. How do you feel about moving on?

[excelsior]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, hanxster

I posted an update earlier today, but since I'm a new member it took a little while to go through and actually appears before your reply. I'm definitely moving on because you're right and I saw it there in black and white, there is no relationship to hold on to.

Coping with a new diagnosis and a breakup at the same time won't be easy, but it's got to be better than that hell of uncertainty I was living in.

[unaluna]

You're welcome, and welcome to pc.

yeah, doesn't it feel sometimes like somebody else wrote the post?? You look at something awhile after and you get a different perspective compared to what you thought you were feeling when you wrote it. Sometimes when I get to the end of my post I'm at a completely different place. Which the recipient probably hates! Oh well!

[LadyShadow]

I read the whole thing and I am glad you made the decision to break up. You sound like you're doing pretty well. Sometimes seeing it in black and white will give you a more objective view like you said.

Hugs and welcome to PC!

Oh check out the bipolar section. its really helpful. I have bipolar too.

[excelsior]

Thanks, PlatinumHeart. It certainly sounds like I did the right thing. When I actually had a conversation with her she said "maybe if you're stable when I get back we can get back together, but I know myself and I wouldn't have the patience to deal with bipolar disorder as just a new thing" which (while I can't fault the honesty) I found a bit annoying and like she'd be happy to have me at my best after refusing to see me through my worst.

"Worst", though, is probably an overdramatic way to say it. Overall, I'm actually doing okay.