[scorpiosis37]

I've been single for a couple of months now, I'm a lesbian, I'm doing some online dating, and it's starting to cause me to lose faith in the existence of attractive, intelligent, well-balanced women. I get a ridiculous number of messages from men, couples, and "curious" women looking for an "encounter." Yuck. Then, I get a number of messages from women who do not even come CLOSE to matching the things I explicitly state I'm looking for (i.e. I say I want femme, college educated, and in shape; I get messages from butch, uneducated, and obese women). So, that leaves those women who message me and seem "normal enough." So, from the pool of those women, I decided to go on dates with 6 of them. Hey, what can I say? I was a busy girl the last couple of weeks. So, how did that go? 4 of them looked NOTHING like their (many) profile pictures. One woman had since shaved half (and only half) of her head. Three women had gained at least 40 lbs since their pictures were taken. One woman had taken a femme picture but had a deep voice, masculine mannerisms, and tried to treat me like a "little lady." Huge turn off. The last woman looked like her picture and was nice enough, but I just didn't feel any connection or chemistry. Oh, and she still lived with her husband, who she is in the middle of divorcing. Lest you think I'm only concerned with appearance, the fact that there was no physical attraction to any of these 6 women was the LEAST of the reasons why I do not want to see them again. One told me she just ended a 7-year relationship with a man-- but I shouldn't worry since she was cheating on him with women the whole time. Another told me in her messages that she was pursuing a master's degree-- then, in person, she told me she was "thinking about it, but hadn't really looked into it yet"-- and her bachelor's degree was actually from a for-profit, online university that has regular commercials on TV. (Since I have my PhD, I stressed that I was looking for someone with a similar educational background). Another woman told me, during our date, that she is really lazy, has a super messy house, sucks at paying her bills, and spends most of her time watching TV and playing video games. Oy.

Now, for the clincher. During each date, I felt like I wanted the Earth to swallow me up and rescue me. But did the other women feel the same way? Or could they at least sense the fact that I was uninterested? Nope. All 6 texted me within 24 hours of our date saying something to the effect of: "You're so pretty! I had so much fun! When can we do this again?" Like my best friend said: "I wonder what they date THEY were on?!"

If the problem were that I wasn't getting any responses online, or none of the women I met in person were interested in me, I feel like that is something I could work on. I could re-write my profile, I could work on my conversation skills, etc. But they're interested in me; the problem is I'm not interested in them. I've tried 3 different sites (match, okcupid, pof), I've exchanged messages with 30-40 different women, gone on 6 dates, and there isn't anyone left on these sites for me to "go back to square 1 and try again." I've kind of exhausted the femme lesbian population in my city. I've also tried meeting friends of friends, and again, they were interested in me but I wasn't interested in them. I've asked my therapist if she thinks my criteria are too high, and she said no. She said that if I'm femme, educated and in shape, it's okay to want someone else who is also femme, educated and in shape.

So, where do I go from here? Any advice? I'm at the age where, now that I have a successful career, I'm ready to settle down and have a family. So, while I'm fine being single in the sense that I have great friends and an active social life, I really want to get married and have children.

Pointers?

[chumchum]

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time finding a mate. I have tried online dating and it was a huge disaster for me too.

I understand that you have standards and I fully agree as I have my own. I am concerned though with what seems to me to be a bit harsh. Let me explain, the one date of yours who got her degree from a for-profit online school that has regular ads on t.v. seems to have irritated you the most. Is this not an acceptable form of education? I am asking because maybe these guidelines are too strict.

I am really at a loss as to how to go about dating and especially online. People post pics from highschool and college and those days were much kinder! I think we forget how much we change because we don't see what others see. This paragraph is an example of my inability to focus, lol.

Back to the subject at hand, I know you have stated you are fit. Any prospects at the gym? At least you know they are fit or trying to be anyway.

I also like meeting people at the bookstore. I go into the sections that I know absolutely nothing about and start reading. It never fails, as soon as I am lost in a book there is someone wanting to chat me up. I have met some of the most eccentric people this way.

Other than that, I am socially inept and hopelessly lost. I guess I want to express that having standards is fine and normal but try not to make them too strict. You may pass up a diamond in the rough. I wish you peace, love and prosperity on your journey to the family you desire.

[Aiuto]

It is horrible and all games!I could not do it before mental illness and now with mental illness NO WAY!It is games in my eyes.I had met some characters back 10years ago I would assume it has only got worse.

[Vossie42]

Sorry to hear that online dating isn't working out for you. I've had similar experiences, so I'm not surprised. I don't think that online dating sites can possibly yield much anyway. Back in the old days, you would meet potential partners through social groups, like work, church, sports teams, etc. You could ask around about the person you're interested in. You could interact with the person and get to know them a bit before asking them out. You get a lot more genuine information about a person than you do through an online profile. People write anything in their profiles and you have no way to know if they're truthful until you meet them. Then you find out that they're not. Had you met those same people in a social, face-to-face setting, you probably would not have gone on a date with them since you would have had more truthful information about them upfront.

In my opinion, many people either don't know themselves well enough to write a truly honest profile or flat-out lie because they know they can't get a date otherwise.

I see online dating as a numbers game. Because profiles are not necessarily a good way of filtering out potential dates, you have to go an a whole slew of dates to find just one person remotely close to what you're looking for. You can continue the online dating thing, because you never know. But I wouldn't count on it too much.

Since education is an important criterion for you, are there any websites devoted to those with Ph.D.'s? BTW, I don't think you're a snob for not being impressed by an online B.A. There's a big difference between a BA and a Ph.D.

Good luck!

[scorpiosis37]

The degree from the for-profit, online university was definitely not the worst thing I encountered in my dating adventures. However, as a professor, I do have some pedagogical objections to the way in which education is conducted at the particular University this woman attended (I am very familiar with the school and its curriculum). Still, I do think an online education can be a great tool for some. My aunt actually went to the same University. She is a stay-at-home mom of 4 kids and it was a great way for her to get a college education while raising her family. However, since I am a professor and the things I enjoy most are discussing philosophy, critical theory, and politics, going to art museums, travelling to historical locales, and hosting dinner parties for my friends and colleagues, it's important to me that my partner share these interests and not only be able to (but want to) participate in these kinds of discussions and activities with me. My last relationship actually ended because my girlfriend didn't have an education and wasn't able to (or interested in) participating in any of these discussions or activities. I would start telling her about the exciting new research I was doing or the interesting new book I just read, and she had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. She would use the wrong words and misunderstand the basic, main point, and when I tried to explain it to her, she would say it was "boring" or "something only smart people could understand." Since I put so much time and energy into this relationship-- and it was painful to have to end it because I couldn't see a future there-- I don't want to put myself into that situation again. I've dated the wrong people many times, trying to overlook that "one thing" that just really bugs me, and in the end, that "one thing" is always the deal-breaker. While my criteria may seem harsh to some, I know myself really well and I know what kind of person will work with me. I know what I need in a relationship, and I think it's better that I hold out for someone who really does fit with me than to loosen up on what I'm looking for.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Vossie42

Sorry to hear that online dating isn't working out for you. I've had similar experiences, so I'm not surprised. I don't think that online dating sites can possibly yield much anyway. Back in the old days, you would meet potential partners through social groups, like work, church, sports teams, etc. You could ask around about the person you're interested in. You could interact with the person and get to know them a bit before asking them out. You get a lot more genuine information about a person than you do through an online profile. People write anything in their profiles and you have no way to know if they're truthful until you meet them. Then you find out that they're not. Had you met those same people in a social, face-to-face setting, you probably would not have gone on a date with them since you would have had more truthful information about them upfront.

In my opinion, many people either don't know themselves well enough to write a truly honest profile or flat-out lie because they know they can't get a date otherwise.

I see online dating as a numbers game. Because profiles are not necessarily a good way of filtering out potential dates, you have to go an a whole slew of dates to find just one person remotely close to what you're looking for. You can continue the online dating thing, because you never know. But I wouldn't count on it too much.

Since education is an important criterion for you, are there any websites devoted to those with Ph.D.'s? BTW, I don't think you're a snob for not being impressed by an online B.A. There's a big difference between a BA and a Ph.D.

Good luck!

Thanks, Vossie. I agree with everything you wrote. I wish it was still like that. It's just so hard for femme lesbians to meet one another "out and about" in the course of work, socializing, volunteer activities, and so forth. I'm really active in my community and I know a lot of people-- but not single, femme lesbians. The community in my city is small and rather incestuous. It's hard to find new, interesting people. And, when I'm in "straight" spaces, like the gym, and an attractive woman is running on the treadmill-- what are the chances she's a single lesbian? Sadly, not very big. Sometimes it's worth chatting someone up to find out but, 9 times out of 10, the pretty, feminine woman you've just seen walk past you at the restaurant is straight-- and, on the off chance she's not, she could still be in a relationship or prefer butch women. Sigh. I just wish it was easier to meet lesbian women in organic situations.

[unaluna]

Did I ask you already if you tried Mensa? I renewed my membership last year and they do have an online dating thingie. I didn't go to anything tho. But there were great people in it (like the local monthly meetings and the annual gathering) when I attended before - uh like back before you were born.

I do believe my prev t met his current wife online - altho they are hetero, I think he met a lot a lot of people and finally went out of state. Good luck.

[DestarKnight]

Well I dont ussually get any messages. Online dating is different and often misleading, but there success stories out there. Best advice is patience.

[Neptune83]

Oh dear. Yes, I know exactly how you feel! I was on a dating site and had some awful, awful people messaging me. I don't think I need to go into details, since you've found for yourself how crap it can actually be. Online dating can be hugely hit and miss. But, it doesn't mean that you won't find 'the one' on there. New people join up all the time so there is that to keep in mind.
I met my husband online. I was about to give up and delete my account when he messaged me. We had both clicked on 'meet me' on POF. We exchanged mobile numbers, met a few weeks later and we're now married and have had two children together
To me, it was worth sifting through all the rubbish and crappy perverted messages I got, to find him. There are some genuine, lovely people.
In the case of your standards, no you're not setting them too high. You wouldn't be satisfied with anything less, right? So what's the point in saying you'd be interested in someone you are not. I don't believe being physically attracted to someone makes a person shallow. You have to be, most of the time for anything to start in the first place!

[manwithnofriends]

I've tried it too and it doesn't work. Not if you have zero self-confidence or self-esteem - they'll immediately view you as not really interested in love, just social opportunism. Even if you do have self-confidence and self-esteem you still have to tread fine lines because you don't want to be viewed as a "perv" either. I guess online dating is just rather luck-based (or, only for people who can't actually make friends for real, like me)

I used a few sites for awhile (over several years) and met some very nice guys, although alot I did not have that kind of chemistry with...I met 2 serious boyfriends on two diff. sites and I met my ex-husband on one of the same sites. We were a good match actually, but we rushed it and the timing was very off. I guess I was lucky in meeting nice guys who represented themselves online as they appeared to be in person.

In meeting women I suppose it could be a whole different experience overall. Regardless, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time...its SO hard to meet potential future partners these days.

I don't have any pointers.

You've just helped reinforce exactly why I would never try to find a partner via online dating sites though!

Much Too Pfreaky For The Pfrog!



Thanks!

[bluecupcake]

I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate online dating experience. I tried online dating a long time ago and it was absolutely disastrous. So much so that I will never do it again. No I prefer meeting people face to face. I'm engaged to be married now, but if I had to get back out in the dating pool again, I would try those speed dating events they have in most major cities, where people meet someplace and chat for numerous people for five minutes or so for like two hours. Then I'd choose who to date that way. There are other options than online dating. I'd try those. Online dating is disastrous for me. Never again.