Walking out and Walking Right Back In

Hello everyone. I just feel I need to get this out in the open. I have never told my full story before and I think it would be healing to do so.

I am currently in a bad relationship. We have been together for three years, and it has been three years of hell, for him as well as for me. I am a very emotionally unstable person, and I am convinced that I will be cheated on, used, and that maybe he is just dating me for a joke. I left my home town, my friends an my family to be with this man. And now I am asking "why?". He comes from a family that love to drink. Me and alcohol do not mix well. I either say or do silly things in a moment of excitement, or get depressed and sulky. And I am forced to drink alcohol when he has alcohol, no matter how much I hate it. I then drink REALLY slowly so I don't get fed more. This annoys him. He is allowed to be sad, moody, tired, annoyed, but I must be happy. I am not allowed to have a day where I am depressed, and want to sleep it off. but he is allowed to polish off a bottle of rum by himself because he is depressed.

In the past, he has physically abused me. Most of the time it happens when he is drunk, although I have been told that that is no excuse. It has never been bad abuse. Just a few split lips, a few black eyes, and bruises all over. Once, he attacked me at a party and dragged my by my hair. Naturally, his friends stood up for me. After the drama calmed down, I went home with him, and got quite a beating. He made me feel as though I made him do these things to me because I am such a terrible person. I am not allowed to stand up to him. He denies being abusive, and sometimes tells me that I am abusing him by being emotionally unstable. He likes to break things that are precious to me. He has also done some humiliating things, like pin me down and rub the cat's bum in my face, or rub his genitals in my face. He has put my life at risk many times, refusing to let me drive when he is drunk and I am sober. He has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion. Once, he slammed brakes on and my head hit the windscreen, cracking it (the windscreen, not my head). This too, was somehow my fault. I have tried many ways to control the situation. Ignoring him makes him more angry. Agreeing with him makes him tell me to stop being patronising. And arguing with him leads to violence. Twice the police have gotten involved and I lied about the abuse to protect him. Which I wish I had not.

About 3 months ago, my eyes were opened and I realised I am not the horrible, selfish c-word he tells me I am. I made contact with an old friend of mine, who makes me feel wonderful. We chat every day. when my boyfriend is at work, we video call each other for hours on end. We have fallen in love, and I am leaving one relationship and walking right into another. I am worried about this, as I am pretty sure I am going to need to process what I have been living with for the past three years, as well as get over some of my fears. This old friend of mine is an amazing and gentle person, and I don't want to risk damaging what we have. I don't want him to see me in a dibilitating depressive episode where i collapse on the floor and cry for no reason. Nor do I want him to see the paranoid 'everyone is out to get me and you really hate me and will leave me too' streak. I want to be the best I can for him.

I also battle to get the concept of an abusive relationship. In my eyes, broken jaws is abuse, not black eyes and split lips. As for the emotional abuse, maybe I am so terrible that I make him do these things to me? I do doubt. And sometimes I get so afraid of the consequences of leaving him that I wonder if it would all just be easier to stay in the relationship. But then, he has not noticed the three large boxed of my stuff that are in plain sight. he has not noticed half of my clothing and other personal effects are gone. And it doesn't seem to bother him that the last time we were intimate was almost three months ago. And in those three months, he has only tried four times, and I made some excuses because just kissing him hello and good bye is enough to make me ill.

It feels good to let it all out. Wow.

Hello to you..

Am so sorry that you've been living with such a nasty man, and I am so happy to read that you know that this isn't your fault now and you're going to get out.

With your new man.. if he is the right one then he will take things slow. He knows about it right? He should not rush you and help you. If you find it too hard, please don't be afraid to take some time out completely - if he cares he will understand. Anyone who cares about you and what you've gone through will understand. I would try and get some therapy too, to deal with all that's gone on. Be very good for you and may just help your new relationship.

Can I suggest one thing tho? I don't think that your abuser has not noticed your things being packed. And I worry that he may try not to let you go, or make things bad for you. When you do go, please go when he's out, at work or anything and do not tell him. Abusers like to be in control and if you tell him you're leaving he may not like that he's losing control and anything could happen. And, I know this isn't as important, but as an animal lover, any chance you can take the cat with you?

I wish you the very best future, you deserve it.

Hugs

I'm so glad your eyes were opened! I have been in a similar situation so I can understand where you're coming from. I thought I deserved it in my relationship because I had been verbally and physically abusive with him within the first year but I got therapy and changed. He did not. He ended up breaking up with me which I guess was a blessing in disguise. He wanted me back but by then I had moved out and I said no even though I still love him. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Behavior like that is never acceptable even if it's less extreme than what some people go through. I used to think that what I went through wasn't that bad because it didn't happen every day and I never ended up with more than a couple bruises, but honestly the emotional abuse was harmful enough and it's going to take years of therapy for me to work through.

Please stay safe and I would do what riotgrrrl said and move when he isn't there. Maybe you can have someone else come with you too just in case. When I moved I had my dad come with me and I made sure my ex didn't know where I was moving to just in case.

Good luck with your new man! I hope it works out for you and you get the love you deserve.

Sorry you've been through this!!

When making your exit, I agree, do it in the most stealth way, possible, your safety is in dire jeopardy at the moment of leaving.

Make sure you have the basic essential, your license, passport, cash, birth records, etc, in a safe place. And a bank account(if you are allowed to even have one).

I hear your concerns about going into the arms of a man who is treating you nice.
Maybe, he'll support some therapy work, while you are together. To give you time to recover. If he's a nice guy, I'm sure it will be ok.

Hang in there.

Please keep us posted, that your extraction was a success!!

An update.

i came home from work the night before last, and he was acting odd. Turns out he had decided to cook (which has done only twice before in three years) and noticed I had packed all my pots and pans. He then managed to get in to my Facebook and found messages from the other guy. He was very calm, and told me I was dispicable to cheat on him and try and move out behind his back. I explained that I was terrified of him, and that I have been trying for months to get out of the relationship, but he would not let me leave. I had no choice.

He now whats to know why I have found someone else. How do I answer that? I know he is just trying to get a reaction out of me and I refuse to play his games. I keep my pepper spray close, just in case he decides to turn violent. But he is being SUPER nice. He said he will still pay the deposit for my next semester, let me use his car, he will give me money for groceries. Of course I won't accept his 'charities'. Maybe just the car because I need it to get to work.

Despite all the emotional upheaval in my life, and the migraines and my brain short-circuiting from stress, I feel pretty liberated. I have handed in my notice at work, and my life is about to make a big change. Hope I can carry on being strong about all of this!

Thanks to everyone for their support and suggestions.

Why are you still there? If you have an exit strategy - get out now while you still can! These out-of-control men are most dangerous during a breakup.

What you described here IS "Bad Abuse" - you don't need a broken bone to be badly abused.

When I left, I hired two handimen and had them load a UHaul truck for me. My abuser wouldn't harm me with other guys watching. I knew that and was safe.

Abusers are very charming when they fear they're losing the person they want to control. Don't stick around to hear more. The abuse is already far beyond what any woman should have to bear.

Why isn't that guy you've been online-chatting with helping you get out now? Not that he should show up for a fight with your soon-to-be-ex... that too could be dangerous.

Yes, you might be leaving for another bad relationship. You don't know if the other guy will turn from Prince Charming to Godzilla... abusive men are very sweet when they're trying to woo you. Or, you may be lucky with the second guy, or the new relationship might not work for you. But definitely you need to leave the guy who abused you and I wouldn't stick around to discuss it with him any further.

That was extremely clever. AlittleBITofCrazy - do that!

It would not only provide a threat of physical force but also provide two witnesses to deter violence on the part of your bf. Out in the open. Very smart indeed.

Why would you want to answer that at all?

He does not have any rights. He should not be interrogating you. You are leaving.

You need to get away from him as fast as you can- as in no contact at all. When I left my relationship I had my dad (who is also a cop) come and move me out and I didn't tell my ex where I was moving to. It's smart to keep your pepper spray close by but you should never need something like that in your own home. And like hamster-bamster said, you don't have to tell him anything. Just leave.