[rise__above]

Lately I have been struggling with my mother. She has been even angrier than usual, and provokes me, trying to get me angry. I have realized that a lot of her anger comes from disliking the fact that I have started my adult life. She gets angry when I am out all day with my boyfriend or friends.

The problem is, it's so hard to be around her, I avoid coming home. This just makes her more angry. I don't want to give up my friends to ease her worries. I am frustrated because I'm at the age where I should be able to do these things and be independent.

I think my mother is scared that I am no longer under her control. She has anxiety, and if things don't go just like she plans, she worries.

I would try to sympathize with her, but I really have very little love for her now. She's a negative person, and I don't love her much.

What should I do? Carry on with my life? Or bend to her needs and stay home more?

[Piraeus]

My Mom is very negative too. I go places with her, and she embarrasses me in public.
She yells at me constantly. She causes me anxiety all the time. I try to do things around the house to help her, but she doesn't appreciate anything.

I think you should just carry on with your life. Your mom will get over it.She will have no choice. I wish I had a choice. I am on disability, and can't afford a place of my own. I live with my mom and step dad. I pay them rent every month. It's not much, but at least I pay something.

I hope you can figure out what to do. Good luck

Piraeus

[Perna]

Being an adult is not just about doing what you want. Do you work/pay rent to your mother if you are still living at home? Do you do any of the many chores necessary to help run a household; grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. If you are living at home with your mother, it is rude to ignore her, like she's just a boarder in her own home. I would definitely ask what I could do to help with the household and would ask when I went out if I could stop and bring anything home that was needed. If you do not want to like your mother, then move out of her space on your own. If you cannot afford to move out then you cannot afford to spend all your time playing with your friends.

[RoseBee]

As long as you are in her house living, there will be friction. I think you need sit down with your mom calmly and explain that you are concerned by her actions and set some boundaries you both can agree with and work with. If she screams, yells, tries to provoke, etc. Just sit there calmly until she is finished and continue with your conversation. In my experience, people do those things because they work. When they stop working, they stop doing them.

In this approach, you are respecting her, her rules, and getting what you want, all while showing her that you are an adult and can handle situations.

[LostButFound]

I'm thinking the opposite direction of previous posters. I'm not exactly certain how old you are, but I'm guessing under 20?

I think your feelings are normal reactions and the result of a normal need to "grow and leave the nest" so to speak. This is terrifying for a mother who spent years taking care of all your needs and being the most important person in your life. If your mom stayed home with you or you are the youngest child, she may be feeling conflicted.... Both happy to see she has successfully raised you and alternately terrified of the "what ifs" when you ultimately move out on your own.

That said, as an adult child living at home, it's doubly important that you pitch in with housework and also, try to steer the changing dynamic between you to something positive. Perhaps, pick a day of the week where you have a standing lunch date with your mom. If its Wednesday, then every Wednesday, you and mom go to lunch, just the two of you. Even if it's sandwiches in the park. This accomplishes several things: it shows your mom "hey, I'm grown but I still care", gives you positive time together, and will build what is hopefully a lasting, positive ritual.

I know all too well what a toxic mother is like. It doesn't sound like your mom is toxic... It sounds like there are growing pains and perhaps some expectations you each had that you failed to inform each other of. Perhaps it's time for a genuine heart to heart and some gentle but firm boundaries. Good luck.