[IneedHelp77]

I'm in desperate need of life and relationship advice. I think I already know the answers but it gets confusing when your in the mist of things or when your on the inside, looking out. Maybe I just need to hear advice from someone who isn't close to me. In a nutshell, here goes...

My marriage/our past:

I have been married for several years. Before I got married, my husband and I dated on and off for about 8 years. We were young and both played juvenile games in the beginning of our relationship. After a year or two into the relationship, I got serious and stopped playing games and I thought he did the same, but I found out that he cheated on me numerous times. It didn't stop at cheating, I found numerous secret social media accounts (myspace, facebook, email addresses, etc.) that he used to meet and hook up with other women, secret cell phones, secret bank accounts, secret trips out of town, the list goes on. He's cheated on me with co-workers, people he's met online, his own friends girlfriends, etc.

He also is a compulsive liar. He lies so much and so well that you get used to it and start to believe everything he says. He's an expert manipulator. Al tough we don't fight much, we have gotten into really bad arguments where the police have been called a couple of times. Alcohol, arguments, and accusations were involved and fights occurred. I don't remember how the fights started but I do remember him violently pushing and body slamming me into walls, furniture, and the floor. It was so violent that I thought I was going to die.

I called the police and I got arrested because i wasn't able to tell the police what happened because I was so confused from being drunk and beat up. He had scratches on his face from me defending myself. I had some marks on my face but he told the police that I "fell down" and that I attacked him. After being in jail for several hours, the bruises started showing up all over my body and face. This has happened several times and every time, he apologizes (sort of) but never admits to him putting his hands on me. (He says that he only "pushed" me away from him) I now have a record and I appear to be a violent person even though i have never started a fight (sober anyways).

Anyways, needless to say, I don't like to drink anymore. (The last time this happened was several years ago) I do realize that I am an adult and I shouldn't have even drank around him so I do take part in the blame. However, he is bigger than I and even if I did "slap" him once which is up for debate, I don't think it is right for a man to body slam, punch, or kick, a woman or anyone smaller than him, over and over, and over again until that persons face and entire body is covered in bruises. (black eyes, busted lip, swollen nose, bruises on inside of hands, etc.)

Present relationship:

So for the last couple of years, we haven't had any major fights and I haven't caught him physically cheating on me but I do have my suspensions. I see read flags and clues even when I'm not looking. He never introduces me to his co-workers or friends, he never invites me to company parties or picnics or even tells me about them. I know he erases his history on his cell phone and text messages. I know that he hides things on his cell phone (he has installed hidden apps to where you can hide text messages, pictures, etc.) I know that if I checked enough, I would find things out that I don't want to know.

He is emotionally distant and we hardly ever have sex. We don't go out on dates, and he doesn't do anything for birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays. His idea of celebrating any of those days is to buy a card at the dollar store and MAYBE some flowers (if that) and put them on the table and call it a day. No time spent together. The only "quality" time we ever spend together is maybe buying groceries at the store, even then, we really don't talk to each other. On the few occasions that he emotionally available, he is the sweetest person that I have ever met and on the few occasions that we have sex, the sex is great. (well, at least it use to be)

My life:
I'm constantly paranoid and I have the lowest self esteem possible. I feel like the before and after pictures of people who use meth except I'm over weight. (now) I feel so ugly and insignificant. I feel stupid, fat, ugly, depressed. I'm filled with anxiety and depression. Every time I get a job, I end up quitting because I feel that I make more enemies than friends. (not enemies but its hard for me to make friends. I think its my bad self esteem pushing people away. They can see how desperate I am and they walk all over me and have no respect)

I avoid confrontation and let people walk all over me. I have ZERO confidence so when I do get a job, I let my thoughts ruin everything for me. Im so paranoid with the way I look that I have to look in the mirror every 20 minutes! Its hard for me to look people in the eyes and I mumble when I speak. I feel that I will never be able to support myself financially and I need to depend on my husband to survive.

My parents wont help me out, they think Im lazy. Maybe I am, but how do you rise above and become independent when you have constant negative thoughts running your life? Im not trying to play the blame game. I am an adult and ultimately, I am my own worst enemy.

I know that I need to get a job, stick with it, save money and get out of this relationship but I feel like something is wrong with me. Someone has told me once before that they have never seen anyone with such low self esteem as mine. Other people have commented on my self esteem as well. I feel like Im not good enough for anyone and NO ONE will ever love me or be interested in me. Sometimes I feel like suicide is the better option. I should do everyone a favor and end it because Im such a burden and a bitter old negative person. Im not going to commit suicide, but I just think about it sometimes.

I really want to be independent and work but I just don't know how when every time I get a job, I end up making people not like me. I know its me, its been this way my entire life, even in elementary school. I just don't know how to or what to change. I think I need medication but I don't want to suffer from the side effects. I have tried antidepressants and a lot of my hair fell out and I gained weight. I had to stop taking the meds because of this. I felt like a fat Gollum from Lord of the Rings! This didn't help with my non-existing self esteem.

Help, I don't know what to do! I have no heath insurance to even get meds if I had to.

[unaluna]

First step is to work on that self-esteem, I guess! Reaching out here is a good start.

[Light4me]

Hi you have allot going on and I agree with hankster time to work on your self esteem and reinvent yourself. The first step is the hardest but once you make it you will gain momentum and then the only way is up. Once you have found your confidence and there are blogs and articles on this site to help you do it you will find you will start making better relationship choices etc.
I used to push people away also it was all about my self worth once I came to that realisation friendships improved.
You may feel like you are riding a bike uphill with the brakes on at the moment but you have made a positive step coming here so run with it get as much as you can out of it and be kind to yourself.