[Kate King]

Is it possible to be in a failing marriage, not love your partner, get walked all over on a day to day basis, and remain individually healthy?

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Is it possible to be in a failing marriage, not love your partner, get walked all over on a day to day basis, and remain individually healthy?

If you are truly a zen enough to realize that you happiness comes from within and isn't dependent on person, place, or time, then yes. If you are a human being, then it is my belief, that no it isn't. You should seek therapy for your marriage or individually to get professional advice on how to deal on specific issues.

[Perna]

You don't stay and allow yourself to be walked over if you are healthy.

[hamster-bamster]

Kate,

Practically speaking, I hoped you'd be with a new bf by now, or at least out of the marriage and single.

Theoretically speaking, Rose and Perna have covered it from both angles.

From the Eastern/Zen angle, yes, you might, but it is a stretch.

From the Western modern angle, no, you cannot, and there is no doubt or question about it.

[Inedible]

There is another eastern perspective (Kriya Yoga in particular) that says your environment is stronger than your willpower. A harmful environment will drag you down.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Inedible

There is another eastern perspective (Kriya Yoga in particular) that says your environment is stronger than your willpower. A harmful environment will drag you down.

That is interesting and I have never heard of this movement within yoga - will look it up.

Why did you mention willpower? I thought that zen is not about willpower, but about radical acceptance of your environment. I might be way off - just figuring my way out.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Is it possible to be in a failing marriage

Kate,

If I recall the earlier threads, the marriage has failed already - not failing, but failed.

Or have things picked up a bit since then?

As one poster pointed out, it's a contradiction in terms so the short answer to this would be no. Human being's are problem solvers, generally we like to engage persist and overcome - a relationship which doesn't allow for any growth at all can leave you emotionally stunted at the very least. I wonder though what makes you ask such a question - it seems like you're desperate for the marriage to remain in tact regardless of the consequences. If this is the case then why? Maybe seek individual therapy and if your husband is up for couple's counselling would this be possible? If all this has already been tried what do you consider further options? I'm sure everyone here will be very happy to support you however rough the journey becomes. All the best.

[tinyrabbit]

No, it's not.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is interesting and I have never heard of this movement within yoga - will look it up.

Most people have heard of the book "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramhansa Yogananda. It is the practice he taught. I never really liked him very much, but Kriya Yoga is another matter.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Why did you mention willpower? I thought that zen is not about willpower, but about radical acceptance of your environment. I might be way off - just figuring my way out.

Kriya Yoga mentions willpower, by saying that willpower and desire are not enough to follow a path to reach enlightenment. They are not consistent enough, for a long enough interval. The environment is a constant pressure. That is why it is important for a person to choose the people they spend time with carefully. It is easier to go downhill than uphill.

Acceptance is for seeing your situation the way it is and for taking a moment to really look at it without wishing it were something else. It is for letting go of denial and resistance, as in "What you resist, persists." Acceptance gets emphasized so much because it is the step people tend to have the most trouble with. Resistance and denial can seem automatic and instinctive. It is like when you go to a restaurant and order chicken and then the waiter comes back with fish. You calmly explain to the waiter that you ordered chicken and ask for the fish to be sent back. It isn't necessary to go on about how you can't stand the fish or the sauce it is served in or the vegetables on the plate. Your acceptance is for the fish and for the wasted time, but that doesn't mean you have to eat the fish when you want chicken. Any time spent arguing with the waiter or complaining is just more delay for getting that chicken instead. If the service is really awful you may have to pay for the fish and go somewhere else to eat. That part of acceptance means you stop going back to that restaurant and try a new place. It doesn't mean you keep trying until they serve you your chicken.

[Kate King]

thanks for all of the feedback- I will absolutely look into some zen-like practices, I have never tried any.

Hamster-things have unfortunately things have not picked up. Consequently, I have stopped going to marriage counseling (still going to individual) and am looking into divorce lawyers. The divorce process is going to be inevitably long since he has said he will not sign papers and will fight it all. I cannot do a separation until the end- for PTSD issues I will not stay short/long-term somewhere else, and he has refused to be the one that leaves. We also own a business together and both work out of the house, which complicates things immensely. I posed the question to see what, if anything I can do during the process to stay healthy. here is still a part of me that wants to hold on hope, for what, I have no idea, but I have to be honest with you all and throw that out there, hence my OP question.

[hamster-bamster]

I think that the decision to stop going to marriage counseling was correct - it saves time and money and does not protract unpleasant interactions with the H.

I think that you need to do the following, in your mind (this does not require therapy):

- stop thinking of this as a failing marriage
- stop thinking of this as any kind of marriage
- start thinking of this as a medium-term living arrangement with your business partner who is also your roommate

[Kate King]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

- start thinking of this as a medium-term living arrangement with your business partner who is also your roommate

I like this...new mantra for me!