[HighExpectations]

Hey all,

I just have to vent some deep serious thoughts and if you've got the time to read (it's long) I need your honesty where you can spare it to sort my head out a bit. It's about the disappointment I feel with my partner (I'm in a lesbian relationship of 3 years) I need to decide whether I should just accept that the problem is me and is perhaps who I will be for the rest of my life.

Basically I feel terrible about how hard I am on her all the time, but I want more from her. I am a bit of a perfectionist and expect everyone around me to be strong and grow and learn from their mistakes as well. I figure if I can, why can't they? I know this is wrong but I can't seem to change it. Naturally when someone doesn't meet my expectations I feel cold toward them, and this happens to my poor partner all the time. Sometimes when she's kissing me I think, ergh, how annoying - she dumped her **** all over the room again and no matter HOW MANY TIMES I tell her to break the habit she doesn't even have the intelligence to make an effort (or something, anything else).

This is exactly what happened with my ex and for that reason I know it's me. With my ex it was the way she said words wrong or just anything really. I know there is NO point in repeating the past and giving up on a relationship just because the person has more flaws than you can accept. I know I'll just experience the same thing with the next person because even if they have less flaws than my current partner, I will still find fault in them somewhere. I've read that people who expect a lot of others do so because they can't accept their own mistakes. I don't mean to blame my lovely parents but they taught me I could do anything I put my mind to and so I suppose I find it hard to accept mistakes/weakness in myself or others. I certainly can't seem to help it and it effects the way I feel emotionally. I believe I still love my girlfriend, but because of all the disappointment I am not sexually attracted to her much anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I've fallen out of love a bit, but I think I'd be a mess if we broke up and although I'd pick myself up eventually I know that love is not our problem but the problem is this persistent disappointment.

I get increasingly tired of always being the emotionally intelligent one and being empathetic to her moods, telling her why she just responded with anger, why she feels irritated etc. She can't seem to have the same level of empathy. The other night we fought over a pie! We started with 4 pies and she'd eaten 2 and I'd had 1 previously, and when I went to have the last one as a snack she got angry and wanted it as a snack for herself and argued with me about how I'd had more pies than her when we'd bought them in the past. Seriously? I'm not her brother fighting over the last piece of meat! It's always like this with her, for whatever reason she's incredibly defensive with me. So in order to calm the situation I tried to remove my ego and we shared it, which is fine, but really I just want someone in my life who wants me to have the pleasure rather than feeling so much envy and jealousy all the time. Do I make people react this way around me because I am a confident and sure person with perhaps an idealistic view of what the world can offer? Do I just make people around me feel insecure all the time? My partner has less confidence and self-belief than me and so seems to hate me having anything more than her because it makes her feel worthless or something. Whenever I feel spirited and passionate about something she seems to get moody. It's very strange that she becomes jealous whenever I feel attentive toward something else - a task, a person, whatever - and this all adds to my annoyance with her and desire for her to take control of her emotions and be better. But I don't help the situation of her confidence because of my never-ending disappointment which makes it hard to compliment her - it's a double-edged sword. I don't feel like I should need to babysit her to make her feel good about herself.

So my question is, do I need to accept that this as a situation where I simply need to be alone until I find someone more suited… more neurotic and passionate than me, more emotionally intelligent who I can look up to and see as strong, end of story? Or will this person just hurt me the way I must hurt my partner with constant nagging, expecting more. Do I need to accept that she will perhaps never deal with her own confidence issues. Do I NEED to be the strong one in a relationship in order to feel secure? Will I just find a problem so I can be controlling even if there isn't one? Should I hold on to my partner because she is so good at putting up with this part of me and the only time she found enough power in herself to want something else I became lost and a right mess? Will she be the most stable parent if we decide to have children when I'm acting all dreamy or will she just give them her own crappy self-destructive habits (she drinks a lot to deal with emotions) and low self-confidence? Am I secretly resentful of her for quashing my own unrealistic dreaminess and spirit and making my whole life become more sensible?

People have told me that we balance each other out and that it's a good thing. I'm more creative, passionate, intellectual and openly emotional, I love my work as a designer and wouldn't care if it only ever earned me a pittance. She's introverted, sensible with small goals, doesn't ever really challenge her intellect and has a stable and well paying job that she has always hated even in her 5 years of uni. I think she's been made to feel very insecure in her family and so it really takes a lot for her to push herself and her mind, which is naturally very frustrating for me.

We are OBVIOUSLY very different which has helped me to grow and become open to other attitudes, which is very positive… but I fear I will always feel this disappointment and for as long as I feel this way I can no longer feel passionate or sexually excited by us anymore, and I know she deserves a lot more than someone pushing her away during sex because they can't connect. HELP!

[hamster-bamster]

It does seem that she deserves more.

to the extent that you might be Sapiosexual (have you considered it?), her not being an intellectual would eventually cause trouble to your relationship.

You are reporting a lot of emotional issues on which I cannot comment; just wanted to comment on the issue of your being a passionate intellectual and her not being a passionate intellectual - it is not the best arrangement for either of you.

[HighExpectations]

Thanks for your comment. And I'd never heard of that term before! I don't particularly get sexually aroused by intelligence... I don't think?

I suppose in my case I don't think my partner is not intelligent, she just doesn't use her intellect in the same way to engage and learn. Or at least we don't share an intellectual connection. She's fantastic and smart at a lot of things where I may not excel - which shows that we can't define intelligence in simple terms.

But perhaps I am more attracted to 'intellectual' people, but I would say it's because they appear to have strong and passionate opinions - and surely most people find this either sexy, or threatening.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by HighExpectations

Thanks for your comment. And I'd never heard of that term before! I don't particularly get sexually aroused by intelligence... I don't think?

I suppose in my case I don't think my partner is not intelligent, she just doesn't use her intellect in the same way to engage and learn. Or at least we don't share an intellectual connection. She's fantastic and smart at a lot of things where I may not excel - which shows that we can't define intelligence in simple terms.

But perhaps I am more attracted to 'intellectual' people, but I would say it's because they appear to have strong and passionate opinions - and surely most people find this either sexy, or threatening.

I learned this term only a month or two ago myself .

You are picking up on the difference between a high IQ person who does not have fun using her intellect, and a high IQ person who does have fun. You want to connect with people who have fun with their intellect. I won't blame you. You do not need raw intelligence if it is passive; you need somebody who actively engages intelligence.

At least what it seems to be. Because having passionate opinions stems from having some strong convictions, interesting ideas, etc. - not passive.