[eternelazur]

Hello everyone,

I understand that the problem I have is probably much simpler than what many others are going through and I would like to thank you in advance for your time reading this post.

I am getting concerned about my sister's behavior, which reflects a self-entitled attitude coupled with increasing lying to my parents to cover her tracks. Long story short, she is pursuing a 5-year higher degree and has ended up extending it to 7 years as she continually fails her exams. My parents are supporting her and have expressed concern that the degree may not be suitable for her. She has insisted that it is and they have assured their full support.

While we have all been trying to be supportive of her, especially since she doesn't have many friends at school, I am also getting increasingly aware of the lies she tells my parents and the self-entitled way she behaves. For example, she scoffed at her school for letting her re-sit a year, a privilege not extended to students in general, saying that all they wanted was money and therefore she deserved to stay. She complains about my parents (esp my mom, who is the more involved one) checking up on her during a period where her school psychologist diagnosed her with depression. Most significantly, she has never once admitted that her exam results may be due to her lack of discipline (she parties, vacations and watches tv shows during the pre-exam period and then stresses out during the week right before exams). Instead, she blames her professors, classmates, even the general education system for preventing her from developing the skills needed for her degree.

Recently, I discovered that she has been lying to my parents, making them believe she was studying/visiting a friend when actually she was going to clubs/parties or vacationing with her boyfriend. They pay for her trips if for example she says she has to go out of town to celebrate a birthday/meet a friend since they feel that this may help her to be happier, knowing that she has few friends at school. I don't think they would have granted her permission (or money) if they knew the truth. Now that she has returned to my parents' home for the summer vacation, she has been lying to them more and more frequently, saying she was doing some late-night studying at cafes when she was really going to night clubs. I know the truth as my sister either tells me the actual story (and I hear a different version from my mom) or I see it from the pictures and updates on her social network site. Knowing that there is quite a bit at stake here - her upcoming exams in a month, the fact that my parents are supporting her thinking that she is also doing her part and the fact that she is clearly abusing my parents' trust without any sign of remorse - I am not sure what to do. On the one hand, I am afraid that if I talk to her or my parents, she will just end up hiding all the details from everyone. On the other hand, I feel uncomfortable keeping my parents in the dark when they had made a deal with my sister that they would support her if she showed that she was working hard. She felt so overwhelmed with her degree that my mother reassured her it was ok if she didn't pass - the most important thing was that she tried her best and gave herself a chance. My feeling is that my sister sees this as a way to continue keeping her carefree lifestyle while pretending to study and therefore "fulfilling" her side of the bargain. Somehow, she doesn't understand that at one point, she will have to be responsible for her future.

I feel that my sister's behavior has developed to a point where I just don't know how to react. She doesn't take kindly to criticism, or even gentle probing, especially if forced to acknowledge that she has made mistakes. Should I keep quiet about her lies and stay out of the situation since I am not directly concerned? Or risk losing her trust by calling her out on her deception?

Thanks for listening! Any advice at all would be really appreciated.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, eternalazer, and welcome to Psych Central! Hmmm. This situation is a tough one. Let's see.....Well, your sister is an adult. I have to say I am a bit surprised that your parents are so trusting, but again, as a mother myself I know I want to believe what my children are saying.

Are you afraid they are being taken advantage of? Well, I have to agree that they are. However, I assume they must have the money to support her, and she really knows how to pull the wool over their eyes.

Other people might disagree with me, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep quiet for awhile longer, and hope that at some future point your parents will get suspicious. As time goes by and they see she isn't making any progress, maybe they will realize that they are wasting their money--and they need to put their collective feet down about how she is spending her time.

And let's hope one day she will start maturing and/or realize that she needs help to get her act together, since it sounds like she is really wasting her life.

One thing about it, she sure wouldn't appreciate your trying to talk to her. I am assuming you are a younger sister. If you are in fact older than she is, then she might listen a bit better, though.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by eternelazur

Hello everyone,

I understand that the problem I have is probably much simpler than what many others are going through and I would like to thank you in advance for your time reading this post.

No, your issue is not simple - actually, Payne, in her wisdom, called it "tough". I have nothing to add given that she covered the issue and the ramifications of your options in their entirety, but just wanted to tell you that your issue is not trivial.

[eternelazur]

Thank you for all the support here on psychcentral! Payne, you are indeed wise and thank you, hamster-bamster for your reassurance that I am not making a huge fuss over nothing. This issue has really affected me as the last thing I want to accept is that my younger sister is capable of manipulating and taking advantage of my parents to such an extent. What's more - to her, it's just a way of getting what she wants. Earlier this year, I witnessed her gloating after finally getting my mother to cave in and extend her curfew. I would honestly expect this behavior only from someone still in their teens, and even then, it would have to be a very spoiled teenager!

As her older sister, I've tried multiple times to help her find her way. I fear that she does not hold much respect for me or my advice as she has a tendency of minimizing my achievements and scoffs at any serious topic that I try to discuss with her. To her, I am just someone old (we are 2 years apart) who is doing nothing worthy of her interest. From what I have read, this seems to point towards a narcissistic personality but is probably more a sign of immaturity in my sister's case.

Our family is definitely comfortable enough that money can be sacrificed for other gains, and my parents have always been extremely generous in this area as they believe that financial issues shouldn't stop us from pursuing our goals. Unfortunately, I feel that they have been too lenient in this area to the point where my sister takes things for granted and assumes that they will always be there to bail her out. I feel sorry for my mother, who is often cast as the villain in my sister's book. She has no choice but to enforce restrictions as it has been clear that my sister will shirk any responsibilities if not given boundaries.

I can only hope that she will grow up soon and develop a bit of compassion for others. Ultimately, that is probably the only true solution to ensuring that there will be no further conflicts down the road...