trying to understand this behaviour - is this normal???

I've noticed in relationships I have this habit and I'm wondering whether it is common amongst other people.

So basically generally within relationships, I've noticed that when a girl is really into me and wants to work things out, I tend to back off and become a bit distant...then suddenly when she backs off and becomes distant I started being more keen and wonder whether I should pursue her and be with her etc. It's as if when I'm with her, I generally think about the negative aspects and how she isn't x y z and how I don't like this or that but then when the prospect of walking away for good hits me, I start thinking about all the good things, what I would miss out on, what I would be leaving behind and ask myself am I really making the right decision here? It's like that saying "You don't realise what you got/had til it's gone." So for example if a girl wasn't replying to my texts and being distant with me I suddenly start feeling like I need to pursue her! When a girl backs off I feel like I want to get back with her. Maybe I just find it hard letting people down, even if it's the relationship isn't working.

Does that sound fimilar? Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure why I'm like this to be honest. Maybe as I said it's cos I don't like hurting or disappointing people.

The more I think about it though, I feel it also could well be the age factor that's making me re-consider this relationship and question myself whether I have made the right decision to walk away. Maybe if I was 22, this would be easier. I would have years left to find someone, to meet new people, I would relax and things wouldn't be so tense and panicky. At almost 30 it's a different story. I really don't want to look back and feel that I made the wrong decision here...what if I don't meet someone else etc.

Can anyone else relate to this kind of behaviour?

When someone walks away from us the thrill of the chase is exciting... or it is because, as you mentioned, at the age of 30 you are worried that anyone is better than no one? You could be afraid of being alone.

Looking at people's bad points.. that tell's me that you've either not really got the mind-set for a relationship yet, that you don't deep down want a relationship, you have trust issues or that simply so far nobody you have met has really been of interest to you and ticked enough boxes.

I was the same with most of my relationships up to the age of 36 when I met my partner now. But the couple I really liked, I really did like and I didn't feel what you feel so much. There was a little wobble, but I ignored it and focused on the good points of them and what we had together. I do not have any regrets tho - all of those people I let go, it was the right decision. Looking back, I still couldn't be with any of them for the rest of my life. I'd rather be alone 100% than with the wrong person. Trust your gut, but please don't play games with people - if they don't feel right, they probably are not. Don't chase them unless you mean it because it hurts.

Hugs

It is the thrill of the chase alot of times, i've experienced that feeling alot when i was single, after awhile that didn't even phase me as i had so many guys like me, but i would just be a tease, which i regret, as i later found out i could have married one of the guys i really liked alot, but was playing the field so i never persued it further.

I used to do that. But when I did it, was always because I didn't want to foster a relationship with someone while my mind was still on someone else. It wouldn't have been fair to the girl that I really wasn't interested in. Once the girl started to give up on me, I had to let her go.

Likewise, if you really aren't interested, you need to let them go. Don't collect "potentials" and juggle them. Unless you fancy yourself as a 'playa'. But real love seldom comes to playas.

In my opinion!

I think you have two separate issues.

One is the issue of playing games, covered by Mojo, avlady, and riotgrrrl.

The other is the issue of option value (a term from economic theory). You need to read up on the option value to see how it applies to you.

Well yes I understand what you're all saying and well I have some news.

Me and this girl in question decided to finally cut contact after just over a year of having known each other and officially being together about 10 months. Although it was mutual, she actually made the decision because we had been meeting up occasionally and we were still in contact, she thought it probably wasn't a good idea anymore and that's the right thing to do as I didn't seem happy.

But now I suppose I'm feeing emotional still like you would with the proper ending of something like this but I guess I have to remember that I wasn't happy for some time. I'm reminiscing about our good times and how we met etc. and thinking it could have been different. I suppose this is all normal? I get thoughts and doubts like should I have given her a second chance because she made an effort the last couple of months etc. and showed me she had changed in some respects? We were meeting for the last couple of months occasionally and she was trying to things back on track with me but I just didn't feel comfortable being with her because of what happened in the past. So I don't know if part of me is now feeling guilty about letting her down and not giving this a second shot.

But ultimately I suppose, I was in an awkward situation...the risk to try things out again was maybe too much for me simply because I had a feeling that things would go back to how they were, eventually. But also maybe we just weren't right for each other on more fundamental aspects; personality, character, lifestyle etc. I don't know. Every time we did meet up I just didn't feel all that great about it, about her etc. Yet now, I'm feeling well...just sad I suppose that she's out of my life. But I also wonder how much of this is my bruised ego. As in this girl has been pursuing me and wanting things to work out for quite some time and now suddenly she's not and decided we got to cut contact completely. Deep down maybe I knew things weren't going to work out but I'm still quite upset.

I really just hope I don't look back and think I've made a mistake in letting her go. I hope one day I will be proved right and meet finally meet someone who I will be happy with.

Hello, I know this is an old post but I don't know how else to respond. You sent me a private message just now and I wanted to reply. However when I tried to it said that you have not set up yet or something so it won't let me reply to your message but I would like to. Hopefully you see this.

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