[smilinside]

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother. I am 46-years-old and she and I have a long tumultuous history, in which we have both wronged each other. I need to know when, if ever, I can stop paying her back.
My mother was abusive when I was a child, beating me, pulling knives, screaming and playing mind games, until I finally moved away when I was 14-years-old. I had been a successful athlete and didn’t want to leave my hometown because I anticipated future athletic scholarships, but my Mom threatened to kill me if I didn’t go live with my father. My Dad was moving out of state at the time, so I moved with him and lost all of my athletic opportunities since my new school didn’t offer the same teams and activities.
To this day, leaving my home, my mother and little brother is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. She has always blamed me for leaving her. While she has apologized for beating me, she takes no responsibility for my moving.
Now she’s older and doesn’t scream, yell or hit anymore. At this point, she isn’t physically capable of hitting me or anyone else because she is tiny, skinny and frail. Everyone in her own family has walked away from her because she is so hard to deal with, and she is all alone. I feel sorry for her even though it’s her own behavior that drives people away. There is some mental disorder going on, but if she’s ever been officially diagnosed, she hasn’t let anyone know. She won’t take anti-psychotic medication because she says they make her crazy.
In 2009, I made the biggest mistake of my life. My Mom had a “marriage” with a man for 30 years, and I often told people it was the most bizarre relationship I’d ever seen. Her husband was 10 years younger than her and 10 years older than me. Their relationship began when I was 12 and she rescued him from drug addiction. They went on to mistreat each other for all those years, but he stuck with her because he felt he owed her.
As I grew up, he and I became close and I felt bad for him. He seemed like a great guy, quiet, extremely artistically talented, loyal and constant. Every time I visited, I watched my mother scream at him and treat him like a servant. He quietly complied and I felt sorry for him. My Mom would say I didn’t know the real him, he put on a nice guy act when I was around, and he was awful to her. But I never saw that, I only saw her acting like a maniac.
For the second 15 years of their marriage, they had separate bedrooms and mostly separate lives. They each did their own thing and basically shared a home. My Mom told him countless times that if he needed sex to go find a hooker and not let her find out about it. They had no physical contact, not even a hug for years.
For about 10 years, each time I would visit, he and I would hang out and go do fun things together. We would invite my Mom, but she usually refused to join. If she did come, she’d usually throw a tantrum and ruin it. Eventually, she started telling us that we made a great couple and we should get married when she died. She would make announcements that he was in love with me and we would make beautiful children. I could tell his feelings for me were growing, but I kept suppressing it, saying, no, that’s crazy, I don’t want to end up on Jerry Springer. I think we bonded together feeling that we were both survivors of her abuse.
After many years, I finally admitted that I had grown feelings for him and he left my mother for me. We had a six month long distance relationship that involved texting, emails and calls. We spent five days together and much to my shame, I slept with him. It wasn’t at all what I expected – it was gross. I also realized that my Mom was right, he did have serious emotional problems and I hadn’t really known him. I put an end to the whole thing.
I truly didn’t do this out of revenge. From everything I’d seen, they didn’t have a true marriage and my Mother clearly did not love this man. She said many times she was only staying with him so she could live in their house. I can’t tell you how much I wish it had never happened and I will always be ashamed and sorry.
Needless to say, my Mother stopped speaking to me during that time. The two of them still lived in the same house while their divorce was finalized and I still lived out of state. Three weeks after I ended the relationship, he found love with a woman he met online who he’s been with off and on ever since. After it was all said and done, I continued on with my plan to move home, and now live about an hour away from my Mom.
Now my mother is divorced. She talks to me because I’m really the only person she has. She holds me and her ex solely responsible for the demise of her relationship. She takes zero responsibility for any part in her divorce and views herself as completely victim. From my point of view, there are three people to blame equally, me, him and her.
She is 66 and stopped working before all this happened. She and her ex were struggling to make ends meet, but she decided she was retiring at 62. She absolutely refuses to do anything to bring in any money whatsoever. She has always tried to get other people to rescue her, essentially from herself, and for 30 years her husband did it. He still helps her when he can and now it’s my turn.
Because she always depended on others and shopped herself $70,000 in debt, she has no retirement money and is living on $760 a month in social security. She lives in a low income apartment, which thankfully, is nice. She has a junk car that’s unsafe, she smokes a lot, and has very little money to live on. She goes to food pantries.
I moved back 2 ½ years ago for a job that subsequently eliminated the position 10 months later, so I was unemployed for a year and eight months. Even so, I have helped my mother in every way I can. Nearly every time I visit her, I give her $40-$80, and bring back many loads of her laundry to wash, fold and return. When she stays with me, I tell her she can bring her laundry to wash (12-20 loads). I have taken her grocery shopping several times at $250 a pop. I’ve added her to my phone plan and given her my old phone. I helped her move, I walk her dog, etc., etc.
On one hand, it is a child’s job to help their parents as they age and I have no problem with that. But my Mom is capable of helping herself – she’s just not willing. No matter how much I do for her, it will never be enough because it’s my fault she has to leave her house.
I ask for very little in return and feel used. The only thing I really ever ask is for her to stay with my dog from time to time. After a lot of arguing, she’ll usually agree, but will renig as soon as I do something she doesn’t like. Admittedly, I am not my greatest self in my mother’s company. All of my old buttons get pushed and I often react. I feel like she is always trying to get a reaction and plays constant head games.
When she comes to my home, she takes over the television, thermostat and window shades. If I try to make any choice about what’s on TV, she whines and cries. No matter what the temperature is outside, she alternately turns on the AC and then the heat back and forth over and over. I turn it off and as soon as I turn my head, she changes it again. I like to keep the blinds open and have natural light and every time I leave the room, she closes them and pretends nothing’s happened. It doesn’t matter how many other people are involved, she only cares about herself.
Last weekend, I set down rules to follow when she stays with me over Christmas, at which time she will meet her nephew and daughter-in-law for the first time, and see my brother for the first time in 12 years. I told her that she will not control the TV, temperature or light and asked her if she understood. I’m sure I could’ve said it in a nicer way, but nothing works, so I took the authoritative position. I have always been the mother and she’s always been the child, but she hates being talked to like a child.
She threw a fit, told me she’s ending our relationship, she’s not watching my dog while my dog-walker is out of town, I am cruel to her, I’m trying to control her, she’s not my whipping post, my brother can visit her, she’s not coming to my house, I treat her like an intruder, etc. I’m proud of myself for not reacting. I haven’t responded at all. I’m trying to step back and view the situation from an objective point of view instead of a participant. I see now that she really hasn’t changed. She can’t hit anymore and doesn’t scream, but all of the other games are still there.
I keep trying to help her because I feel so horribly guilty. I screwed up in a major way. Overall, I don’t view myself as a terrible person and I don’t know how to overcome my guilt. I rescue animals and am currently attending classes to adopt a child in the foster system. I work in a non-profit that helps the elderly. I have a good heart and it’s not in keeping with what I did to break up my Mom’s marriage. She holds me responsible, my brother holds me responsible, and I hold myself responsible because of the three of us, I am the only one who is sane enough to know better.
What I need to know is when is enough enough? When can I let myself off the hook and let my mother fend for herself? Ever? Am I helping her or enabling her? Is it ever ok to let her be responsible for herself, live my life, and forgive myself? Or do I owe her for the rest of her life?

[Travelinglady]

Do you "owe" her for the rest of her life? I am thinking you are likely doing as much as you are for her because of guilt, as you say in your title. Since she is able to do for herself, then I personally don't think you must do all you do for her. Sounds like she is really milking your guilt.

I am thinking you should consider talking to a therapist about your situation. Then you will also have a support person as you work on possibly cutting back on helping your mom and dealing with the backlash.