Heart Broken, Tell Me What To Do

Hi there,

I'm feeling soo lost and need someone to talk to. Anyone. Any advice. Anything. If you can bear to read through all of my dirty laundry, please, tell me something, anything.


My boyfriend and I broke up a few hours ago and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I need to make some sense out of it. This is my first relationship ever. This was his 2nd but first serious one. We've been together for a year and 7 months. We both have a lot of maturity issues.

Recently, he started working out/swimming again with coworkers/friends. In particular, one new guy ("Tom"), who he says is a lot like me, but apparently very straight. My bf is not out to his coworkers and intends to stay so.

Tom has seen my bf naked in the gym shower, and they text and make fun about each others body parts, and say things like "i'm c*mming" in questionable context. I may not like it, but I understand that's how he talks to some of his buddies. However, the only instance of me texting "im c*mming" to anyone was to someone I was about to sleep with, had slept with, and or spent the night with.

Tom invites my bf over to his apt BECAUSE 'his roommate is not home'. He lives directly across from where they all work and go to swim. They all went drinking 2 weekends ago and later he invites my bf to stay over. Bf had brought extra clothes. He ignores my text and does not call like usual. He meets me the day after and is very attentive and eager to please. I tell him he's acting suspicious and guilty. He smirks. At this point I already knew he stayed downtown. I don't mind that at all. But he tells me that he didn't sleep on Tom's couch because it was too small/uncomfortable, he is 6'2. They slept in the same bed, under the same sheets. He usually sleeps nude/semi nude. He admits that Tom plus 1 other coworker really like him, as friends/coworkers (budding friendships).

He always jokes alot and teases me, way too far most of the time.

Anytime I follow up on the subject and ask in seriousness for an honest answer, he is sarcastic and says 'they slept together dozens of times, ****ed every which way and he's been over there every night'.

I know in my heart, that he would never cheat on me. But it's his recurring insensitivity, selfishness, and lack of compassion that constantly disturbs me. He is Korean, 27. 2 years younger than me. However, I look and act a lot younger than him.

We were apart for 1 week. We quasi made up the past few days. He searches through my phone and interrogates me about people on there (there was nothing). He refuses to let me see his phone or to show me himself if there was anything i needed to know.

He was being very kind and wonderful last night. Then he starts teasing me with Tom again. "Well, Tom let's me do this." "I love Tom" he repeats many times, he hasn't said it to me in over a month. "Tom is my new boyfriend. You're just my f**kbuddy now." I laugh it off. But I am fuming. I ignore him for a while. He gets upset and says he doesn't like me anymore and tells me to go away, pushing me out my own bed. He says, "I really will sleep with Tom now."

I come back and continue to ignore him. He's trying to placate me. Eventually he says, if I don't say anything in the next 10 seconds, that's it. It's over.

In a few minutes I'm ready to talk it out. He is not. I tell him why I was upset and ask for an apology. He does not care. He unemotionally says he's tired of it, of everything and that he is glad it's over. This is around 4am. He then goes to sleep. I try to talk to him. He says he'll leave in the morning. He proceeds to snore. I actually start crying, profusely, sobbing actually. He ignores me. I try to be discreet and leave. I come back and try to hold him.

He leaves in the morning. I'm still 'emotional' and a visible wreck. Eventually, I run after him. He ignores me while we walk to the subway. I call out to him. He's gone.

I am floored at how he is offended at me for being offended at the horrible things he's said. He has barely ever apologized for anything wrong he's done. The most I've gotten from him was "I'm sorry." after he was on gr*ndr using the profiles as quick j/o material. And after I find out 1 year later that when we were officially together for 1 week, he had been messaging/sexting another guy and went on a date with them behind my back, 3 days after the first time we slept together. Up until these events, I had absolute trust and faith in him. We always managed to work it out. But this today was just stupid ridiculous. He is the love of my life. The odds of us finding each other were incredible. I've never loved another human being as much as I do him. I don't want to live without him. But I can.


Anyone, can you impart any advice? Share any of your experiences with me? Please. Anything...

If any person- man, woman, adult or child- treated me the way your BF was treating you I would tell them to take a hike and keep on walking! He may have thought he was teasing you but he was being mean and immature. If he really cared about your feelings he would have tried to reassure you and ease your concerns. Instead he made fun of you and your emotions and then walked out when you were at your worst.

You will feel bad for awhile and miss him too. But, soon you will feel better and meet other people. As long as you were with him you would not meet anyone else so you are better off without him. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

You may in time feel better... you do deserve to feel happy and secure in a relationship and it doesn't sound like he was giving you these things.

It's just been a short while, and you're probably still in shock? Please give yourself time to grieve the loss of a relationship, don't beat yourself up at all over this.. In the coming weeks, please reach out to friends, talk it over, spoil yourself with anything at all that you like to do that will give you a little lift. Just be kind to yourself. You will learn to love again..
Hugs.

I agree with jadzea. You deserve better than this person who hurts you intentionally. You sound like a nice guy and I'm sure you will find someone else given time. But get over the jerk that hurt you so badly. You will survive and be better off in the end.
Best wishes,
Gayle