[Starvin4Perfection]

I'll try to keep this short... I'm notorious for long posts. I'll try to give the important points.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. I wish I could say that the relationship started out great... but it didn't. He was very selfish for the first 6 months until his mom had a "come to Jesus" talk with him and something in his head snapped; he became a totally different person and started treating me great. Although he treated me better, it still took 8 months before I finally met his family and it took a year for him to say "I love you"... but I straight up asked him because he hadn't said it. At first, he really didn't say it to me, but eventually did.

About a year into the relationship he became a pilot so the relationship kind of turned into an LDR. I will give him credit that he made a big effort to commute to me, although it was SoCal to NorCal. We managed to make it work and things were pretty good. We got along well, traveled together, and had a lot of good times.

After about 2 1/2 years things became a bit rocky. I ended up being forced to a wedding for his friend and embarrassed him for being an idiot... he broke up with me. He would still text me during the breakup, but about 2 months later, I started dating a great guy. After about a month of dating, I ended up getting this weird text from him saying that he regretted the breakup, loves me, and would do whatever it took to get me back. He went to extreme measures and finally won me over and we got back together.

The first few months were hard for him dealing with the fact that I dated someone else. He was a totally different person and was so good to me and made me feel very loved. He would get very depressed though sometimes.

So here we are together another year later and things have been pretty good, minus the occasional spouts of depression. He ended up getting based in Denver during the breakup so the commute is MUCH longer now; but he made the effort to come how every week or every other week when he had the days off.

The distance is getting really hard on us... very hard. We are starting to argue more and it's wearing on us. He used to talk about the future and that's getting less and less; if I bring it up, he kind of evades the subject and doesn't give straight answers. We've been arguing more and the last 2 times he came home, we argued (this last time was a pretty good blowout). He says that he can't leave me and he won't, but he's gotten really discouraged and "lost confidence" in us and a future together. He said he's really worn down and a part of him doesn't want to come home because he isn't motivated to put in the effort if we are going to fight. He's made his point because he isn't coming home next week because he's tired of arguing. I'M tired of arguing and it's getting hard reminding him that it's not that bad; we just hit a rough patch.

I really don't know what to do. He says he doesn't want to and won't leave me because he loves me too much, but I've lost my confidence in his words and we're both tired of arguing (even though it's really just been recently). Do I just give him space and stop talking for a while? I don't really know what to say anymore and I'm really tired of trying to convince him that it's not that bad... I'm kind of at a loss.

I would really appreciate your thoughts and I'm open to the honesty. Thanks!

(Sorry it was so long... yet again)

[hamster-bamster]

Can you elaborate on the grounds for the first break-up? He...dumped you because you...embarrassed him at a wedding?.. For real? How did you manage to embarrass him so badly?

And - that great guy you dated in the interim (during the breakup) - where is he? Is he still available? I am asking because all you said about him was that he was great. So you did not have any issues with him - he was great. And then you received a weird text from that guy who apparently broke up with you for a REALLY WEIRD reason (let us see what exactly it was...) and he wins you back. So my question is - what happened to the great guy? Can he be retrieved/salvaged/resuscitated/restarted/rebooted etc?

[hamster-bamster]

PS Let me elaborate on why I inquired about the great guy. This is because all I know about him is that he was great. And nothing else.

Ok, so what do we know about the current boyfriend?

Well, for the first SIX MONTHS he did not treat you well. Then, he started treating you better but not well enough to have you meet his family for ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS. Then, he treated you more or less ok without confessing his love for you for ANOTHER TWELVE MONTHS. Then you literally wangled a love confession out of him, even though originally he still would not quite say it but then finally, with time, did say that he loved you (oh what a relief! after so much hard work on your part!).

So, since I know all of those things about the current bf, but have no negative information about the great guy you dated briefly, I have come to wonder where that great guy is now...

[RoseBee]

It is up to him to be happy. If he relied on you for his happiness, then the relationship was doomed from the start. I say this because of the title of your post.

Also, are you happy? The tone of your post suggests that you are in it for the long haul, but have doubts. Doubts make no one happy.

I think give it space and figure out why you guys are arguing, but understand that space could lead to a break up.

Why not move closer to him? Is that not an option, or is it a plan in the works? Can he not transfer to your location in Cali?

[Whisper of help]

It sounds like he in particular is losing hope for a future with you. This rough patch can be overcome if you both want to get past it, but if he's giving up on the very thing that you as a couple need to strive for, there's only so much that you can do. You've done a lot to make this relationship work, and I know it might be hard to see it, but I just don't think that the two of you have a future together.

[Starvin4Perfection]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

PS Let me elaborate on why I inquired about the great guy. This is because all I know about him is that he was great. And nothing else.

Ok, so what do we know about the current boyfriend?

Well, for the first SIX MONTHS he did not treat you well. Then, he started treating you better but not well enough to have you meet his family for ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS. Then, he treated you more or less ok without confessing his love for you for ANOTHER TWELVE MONTHS. Then you literally wangled a love confession out of him, even though originally he still would not quite say it but then finally, with time, did say that he loved you (oh what a relief! after so much hard work on your part!).

So, since I know all of those things about the current bf, but have no negative information about the great guy you dated briefly, I have come to wonder where that great guy is now...

I "embarrassed" him at the wedding, yes... let me elaborate I got ****-face wasted and ended up kissing 2 of his friends on the dance floor... little pecks only. He was furious... understandably so.

As for the great guy... he was just that, a great guy. We only dated for a month so it's safe to say we didn't know each other that well, but what I did know was good. He treated me very well, I knew he cared about me, he made an effort to see me, I met his daughter, friends, and family all in that month's span of time. I felt horrible when I left him and explained the story. He told me that he wished the outcome was different, but he understood and if he were in that situation; he would do the same thing. I don't think he could have been more understanding... that's why he was such a great guy. I have text him on a few different occasions to apologize and he is still (I can't even think of the right word) so understanding about it and says that he understands and doesn't hold grudges, that I'm a great girl and he was happy with our time together... even if it was short. When I think back on it... I'm pretty sure I made the wrong choice.

[Starvin4Perfection]

Originally Posted by RoseBee

It is up to him to be happy. If he relied on you for his happiness, then the relationship was doomed from the start. I say this because of the title of your post.

Also, are you happy? The tone of your post suggests that you are in it for the long haul, but have doubts. Doubts make no one happy.

I think give it space and figure out why you guys are arguing, but understand that space could lead to a break up.

Why not move closer to him? Is that not an option, or is it a plan in the works? Can he not transfer to your location in Cali?

I am/was happy, but I could be happier. I want someone that works hard to make ME happy. Not someone that needs time away from me to decide if I make HIM happy.

As for moving... I don't want to move away from my family and friends given our current relationship. Unfortunately he cannot move to California because he's based in Denver.

[hannabee]

Both of my daughter's married men that strive to make them happy, as did I. (Their father)
You deserve so.someone like that!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Starvin4Perfection

it took a year for him to say "I love you"... but I straight up asked him because he hadn't said it. At first, he really didn't say it to me, but eventually did.

. We are starting to argue more and it's wearing on us.

I really don't know what to do. He says he doesn't want to and won't leave me because he loves me too much, but I've lost my confidence in his words and we're both tired of arguing

I would really appreciate your thoughts and I'm open to the honesty. Thanks!

A whole year, to say "I Love You," and that's only after you broached the subject?

Your time with him, sounds tumultuous and filled with strife. I feel, people will have some arguments, or disagreements, but constant bickering doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to be in.
I can appreciate, how and why you'd lose confidence in his 'words.' It's because actions, do indeed, speak a lot louder than words.
Is hearing "I love you," going to suffice, when the behaviors, mistreatment, etc goes against those words?

Are you currently, in therapy? One thing, I have learned through the years, is that I had a recurring pattern of staying too long. And I've had some serious roller coaster rides.

If you aren't left feeling good, more often than you are left feeling good, what does that say about the status of your relationship?

When I was going through my roller coaster relationships, the kinds that lasted for years on end, my grandmother used to say to me, that she didn't fully understand, my staying, because the relationship she had with my grandfather, lacked arguing. Oh, they may have had one of those moments or two, where each could tell the other was not feeling too well or whatnot, they just didn't argue. There wasn't much, to argue about. They supported each other, not every day was a bed of roses, so to speak, but after much reflection on their relationship, compared to not just my own past relationships and many others around me, I really 'get' what she meant about they just didn't argue. And I can, fondly, think back about why that was. Respect and adoration.

Hope, you are able to resolve this, within yourself.