my boyfriend is a sex addict

we have been together for 2 years, living together for almost the whole time. About a month in a half ago I found out about his porn problems. I found a rediculous amount on the computer history including sites made for interaction via live cams, chat and the ability to email outside of the site. my boyfriend was staying up 3-4 nights a week doing "homework" all night long and would find him still in front of the computer when I would wake up in the morning. I eventually decided to check the history and found that his homework really only consisted of about an hours work. I told him to get into therapy and counseling with someone who specializes in sex addiction. he has done that and his behaviors are improving--- but no matter what I do i can not trust what he is doing. He used to go into work to download porn, so now every time he is late getting home I freak out. Every time he gets a new email notification on his phone I am horrified. Every time he stays up later than I do I can not sleep even though I turned off the internet. It has even gotten to the point that I feel if we are watching a movie with nudity I feel like its going to trigger him, and it angers me and makes me jealous for him to watch. I have absolutely no self-esteem anymore and I do not know how to regain trust. He lied to my face so many times that when he tells me he is not lying now I dont believe him, and I feel that the only reason why I know about it is because I caught him- but still feel like maybe he was doing other things: visiting strip clubs? having relationships with ex girlfriends? phone-sex? etc... when I ask him about what else went on all he says is that the past is in the past and that it does not matter because of how good he has been doing in the present. His therapist has him doing this workbook thing where he is supposed to list all of the things he has done to be harmful sexually-- my boyfriend asked me to not look at it and I couldn't agree because I feel that I can not completely forgive him for things if I do not know what those things are. It got so bad that I finally told him to go live with his mom 2 days ago because I am so exhausted with trying to figure him out, and I could not agree to him keeping more from me, because that is what started this whole thing. I can not stop with these thoughts in my head and it is driving me mad. How does a person gain trust back after having been so betrayed and lied to over and over. I still love him, but find myself searching for the wrong in our relationship, because I have found so many things... I can not see the good. please help!!

I had to work through this with my husband. I still have moments of horrible doubt and low self-esteem. What's important to know is that what he's doing really does have nothing to do with you. There is absolutely no emotional attachment to any of the girls he's viewing...even in live chat. It's hard to believe, but it really is the case. It's all about sexual pleasure and addiction. The only way to gain back trust...I think?...is to agree that he tell you regardless of how he thinks you will react about any cheating in person (ie: not a live "porn" site) and make sure you agree exactly what cheating is...specifically, and then make the decision to believe he will. He has been your boyfriend for two years...where do you want this to go? This is a large issue and you need to think a long time and deep about your future. There are relationships that can work despite things like this. I feel, that depends on the people. Not everybody can deal with it, there are those that can.

We are supposed to meet today to talk. I think what I have decided is that he needs to tell me everything no matter how hurtful it may be. I know that his past is his past- and that a lot of his issues are deeply rooted, but if I am going to have a fair chance on knowing who he really is and the ability to forgive everything then he needs to share that with me. I do not think his counselor will agree to it though... I dont know, because everything is still so new. What I do not understand is that I have shared things with him from my past that are not always pleasant, but he feels that his past is none of my business... I feel that it is, if it has lead him to hurt me and our relationship and has been things he has done while in our relationship then I deserve to know. I even feel that he should be willing to share things that happened before he met me.. so I can understand why he does what he does now and why he has been able to put himself in the position to do so. Im so sick of the secrets, I feel that I do not even know the man that I love. I feel vulnerable because I have always been so honest about things that I have done, and told him about things from my past in the very beginning so that he could decide if they were "deal breakers". Now I am just barely learning about his...

I understand how you feel. I'm that way too. I can be a little to honest too quickly though. On my first date with my husband he got an earful about how crazy my family and I are and practically a novel on it lol...and yet he married me...maybe he's the crazy one . anyway, I think you are making a good decision to talk about it. But I don't see why his T would have a problem with him disclosing things he's done while in the relationship. Usually secrets of this nature are much much more harmful than knowing about it. That's not to say that he is obligated to tell you about every event in his past in specifics if he's not ready, although I do agree that there are certain things you should be at least partially aware of....say, prison time.