[manwithnofriends]

...don't even try to have friends. I see a lot of users here who are lonely/alone/depressed etc. that complain they have no friends when in reality they need to sort themselves out first. yes, they can expect support from other users here but these other users should still be treated as "compassionate strangers" imo.

This sums it all up:

Friendship is free by its nature. There’s no compulsion in friendship, and as soon as compulsion enters, it weakens the friendship. It can even destroy it if we aren’t careful.

So, you lonely people, there is absolutely no pressure on you to have friends. You might find you're better off without them.

Or another perspective...

Some of the best, most understanding and caring friends I have I met through a site like this one, approaching a decade ago.

I think experiences will vary, likely?

[manwithnofriends]

^ Have you met them in person?

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

^ Have you met them in person?

Yes quite a bit. Two of them live down the street, another I dated for several years- didn't work out but we aren't like sworn enemies or anything.

I mean think it can be a variable experience though.
I'm not sure there is any definite outcome for any kind of online relationship (meaning friendship or otherwise).

And also,I mean, the more people you have in your life the more energy it tends to require. Many people don't have a lot to spread around.

So,I just mean to point out that various situations work for different people, and absolutes for anything are very rare.

[gismo]

Well i think i will put my twopennies in , people are people where ever they are, cyber land or real life, i have met folks in real life who are nasty and two faced and same on here, two faced and nasty all up they're own backsides, my motto is i choose who to talk to and be friends with , that's why i can count my friends on one hand, and i like it that way, like what josiethegirl said "more friends more energy"
Gismo x

[A Red Panda]

I have some excellent friends who I only know online. They are still friends. If the opportunity arises we'll end up meeting, but it doesn't take away from our friendship the fact that we haven't. I think it's rather insensitive of you to tell people that their online friends don't count; you are not them and you cannot tell them what their relationships are like.

It sounds like you are trying to be helpful with this post, but I don't really see much that is helpful about it.

Humans are social animals; it's natural to crave companionship. It's a rather defeatist attitude to give up on trying to have friends. Although I agree with you that it's best to work on ourselves, because the happier and more confident we are alone the more likely we will be to maintain healthy relationships.

[Fuzzybear]

... I think experiences vary...

I've met some very good people online..

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

...don't even try to have friends. I see a lot of users here who are lonely/alone/depressed etc. that complain they have no friends when in reality they need to sort themselves out first. yes, they can expect support from other users here but these other users should still be treated as "compassionate strangers" imo.

This sums it all up:


So, you lonely people, there is absolutely no pressure on you to have friends. You might find you're better off without them.

I agree that quite often people who have some troubles need to try and sort themselves out first. I also am a firm believer of learning to like or even love yourself for who you and enjoy your own company. It makes friendship a little easier, and the lonely times not so quiet and deafening.

And yes, online friends are compassionate strangers. But there's nothing wrong with that, it's something that renews my faith in humans actually, folk who come on here and help others for no gain whatsover. Kudos! But those online people may develop to be more - and the possibility shouldn't be dismissed or ridiculed. Many people develop friendships and relationships now through the good old web.

I find your last sentence a little strange - so lonely people out there bit. Sure, there's no pressure, sure they may be better off without them, but in that case, why would you say they are lonely? They would be perfectly happy and not use an negative adjective to describe themselves? I think this post is perhaps more about you (and your username) coming to terms with how you are. There is nothing wrong with that, shows great strength, but you shouldn't generalise or speak for others?

[kirby777]

I am appreciative for my "cyber"friends...I love this forum.

I did meet a female friend through FB..we were both trying to save a dog..Even though I have only met her once...I can tell her anything..we text a lot and she is in the same situations as I am..her family treats her like crap, she is depressed, loves dogs and not married.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

...don't even try to have friends. I see a lot of users here who are lonely/alone/depressed etc. that complain they have no friends when in reality they need to sort themselves out first. yes, they can expect support from other users here but these other users should still be treated as "compassionate strangers" imo.

This sums it all up:


So, you lonely people, there is absolutely no pressure on you to have friends. You might find you're better off without them.

After reading this post I felt bad as it sounds like something my sister would say. She doesn't want friends because she doesn't want to have to deal with their problems, they just selfish anyways. Everyone is selfish to her! I mean people be default can and will be selfish but the people who push someone one away because of this are the selfish ones. Maybe because they themselves are selfish the get surrounded by selfish people.

I came here because the real life friends I have are all over the place and some I can only use the net to talk to as they live in another country than myself. Then the one real life friend I have in the same town is going to have twins very soon and well I'm not losing her but I'm not going to get to see her as much. So I came here looking for support in me finally getting help after 16 years for my ADD and to make a few friends along the way.

[spondiferous]

I think I get what you're trying to say.
I have seen many people come here and complain (for lack of a better word) that people aren't responding to their posts fast enough, that nobody likes them on this site, that nobody wants to be around them. I'm not sure if this is what you are referring to; correct me if I'm wrong.
In this case, I believe you are correct. I have always had the experience that people have their own stuff going on and sometimes (okay, oftentimes) I have to be the one to make first contact. And I don't always get anything back. Also, I have found that I can be perfectly active in the social forums, and even the support forums. But as soon as I write a thread of my own expressing that I am in pain, anguish, torment, crisis, I will only get a response or two, despite the fact that I have almost a hundred 'friends' on here and people always tell me how inspiring and awesome I am and thank me for being their for them.
Friendship is a weird gig. Relating with other humans, in general, is a weird gig. I think there's this expectation that it's supposed to be this linear rainbow, straight from one end to the other with no bumps, and that if friends are going to happen, they're going to happen of their own accord. But I believe in a combination of the 'compassion of strangers' and 'loving myself' and a whole bunch of other things, really.
Let's face it too. We're all selfish. It's part of self-preservation. And most of us are a little too selfish at times, and add to that we only have our own perception to go on and quite often jump to conclusions before we really have enough pieces of the puzzle to paint an accurate picture. We all want people to be there for us when we're in pain. Even in my darkest, loneliest, bitterest days, when I want to be left the **** alone, I still want people to be thinking of me. I want to know that I exist to someone. No matter what they happen to think of me as a person.
I sometimes get angry and feel like I want to give up because the truth is I do most of the work in my friendships when it comes to staying connected and reaching out. But I guess if I don't do that then what is the alternative? Being all alone is great until it's not. And it would be unfortunate if the only thing preventing me from having open connections with people is my own hurt pride.
Also...if people aren't reaching out and being more active in their friendships, there's no harm in telling them so. I've done that in the past. It can actually strengthen connection and communication.
Anyway. I'm rambling. Carry on.

[manwithnofriends]

Sorry, I seem to have angered, blamed, belittled, even as far as bullied certain readers here...

Of course I don't know how to make friends but I'm pretty sure none of these would be involved:

• telling people you don't have any
• asking for one
• making any remark that's offensive or snide according to the other person

If I did any of those I would instead be projecting an insecure, isolated, (insert negative word here) entity in the other person's mind and (s)he would move away immediately. So the only other alternative would be, to be comfortable by oneself, which is, to me, a lot easier than trying to maintain a friendship. I don't call it defeat, I call it acceptance.

(Oh, that last element of the list, if I know I'd offend the other person by saying something, even anything, I wouldn't say it. )

[avlady]

Arwen78, I have few friends because of my illness, i don't wish it on anyone or the things i go through with it, they are not selfish, they have no choice in my mind but to put up with me, i know that sounds selfish, but i can't handle this world without them. You are lucky to have real life friends!!!

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

Sorry, I seem to have angered, blamed, belittled, even as far as bullied certain readers here...

Mmm. For clarity, though I don't believe you were looking for it- I'm going to offer it anyway 'cause that's just how I roll sometimes, the only one I personally noted as possibly have happened was the anger thing. Which wasn't what I was expressing. Obviously, however and thankfully, I do not represent the whole of psychcentral.

And bullying? WTF? Doesn't there have to be some element of active intention toward that goal?

And this as well:

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

...if I know I'd offend the other person by saying something, even anything, I wouldn't say it.

…I can't actually interpret this.
Like are you kidding or serious or a little of each?

Because, well, I offend people all the time. I mean a LOT. It's not like I enjoy making people feel bad, but apparently people find me horribly offensive, which I find kind of a funny concept, which in turn seems to offend all the more. Can't really win on that one.

In all seriousness, you have to offend people sometimes to keep balance in a friendship. People don't think the same all the time and sometimes the drastic contrast in itself is actually offensive.

You can soften the blow, but regardless a strong friendship, or even decent communication between two reasonable people will withstand the occasional offense.

I think a lot of people bend and shape themselves to fit other people's perspectives so they are not offensive to these people they then term friends.
[Says the girl with OCD so severe at times she finds herself in an endless loop of saying sorry for saying sorry... Ha. Mental illness is a fascinating thing.]

It doesn't seem to make much sense to me.

Oh dear.
End rant.

[manwithnofriends]

Yeah, I just humiliated myself on here...

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

Yeah, I just humiliated myself on here...

So now I'm thoroughly confused, but I guess I did exactly what I described.
I hope you figure it out, or um... something.