[Somnambulisticsmile]

Hello,

(Ill give a quick background for reference)

New to the forum. I am diagnosed with a few different mental illnesses - most I have had for many years and have had a difficult time with my family support or even willingness to try to learn. Recently (3 years) my family moved me near them (wasnt doing so good on my own). More recently - since february had a psychotic break with apparently resulted in exposing Disassasociative Identity Disorder. I began therapy and after long evaluation increased a medication I am taking (Lamictal - Im bipolar as well). Ok to the point:

psych increased my dose that I had been taking for years, within three days i exhibited symptoms suggesting it was too much of a dose. One of the symptoms was Homicidal thinking. I never lie and when I moved here I told my family I would always inform them of things.. so naturally I told them (i had already spoke with my pschiatrist, was told what to do, and when I should expect them to subside). Pretty much the reason I am still alive is because I couldnt bear to hurt my family. Now at this very moment they are afraid of me, and let me know. (I completely understand, I guess I would be too) I feel as though what I was holding onto just disappeared.

I am now back to normal thinking (this all occurred in the last 5 days), have spoke to them even shown studies etc to back up that it was the medication that caused the thinking. They are still scared are thinking it may be my alter who had the thoughts all along. Jesus.. Im barely holding on.. God help me. I just saw my nephew through my window... no one will see me in person.. especially my sister's children.

I dont know what to do. Ive always just gritted my teeth and held on for them, because as for myself.. I simply wouldnt be here (several stays in mental hospitals).. and... i get angry sometimes that they hold me here, though i try so hard to find joy.. and I do, I do find joy sometimes. Things will never be the same now. I know that... I still wont kill myself because the look on my mother's horrifically sad face is forever burned into my mind when my psychotic break happened.

Im bound, with nothing underneath me.. I just started therapy I guess thats what I have to do... why would god make me live through this?

of anyone has anything just anything positive they can say to me.. maybe someone here has something to offer. please?

[hamster-bamster]

Two things:

1) Why were you on Lamictal only? Lamictal does not treat psychosis. It is an anti-epilepsy drug that is also used in bipolar management, mainly for the prevention of the depressive phase in bipolar. It has absolutely nothing to offer for psychosis. I did not know that it could lead to homicidal ideation as a side effect, and checking online, I see that this side effect is rare - Could Lamictal cause Homicidal ideation? - eHealthMe

I am glad you no longer have homicidal thoughts. But you need AP's, most likely (anti-psychotic drugs).

2) Do you have to think of god's intent? Can you rather think that you suffer from an unfortunate condition and would seek treatment for it and would eventually feel much much better, and the reason you suffer from this condition is bad luck. Bad luck manifests itself, in your case, in having psychotic breaks. In the case of other people, bad luck manifests itself in cancer, fibromyalgia, cerebral palsy, or any other number of horrible diseases.