[Waiting4Dreams]

I have been married to this guy for almost 9 years. He is a compulsive liar who is extremely insecure and needy. Up until 2 years ago, I simply dealt with the lies because of the way I was raised. When he started telling lies about my daughter I finally erupted and told him "NO MORE". I told him I knew the truth about all the past lies and that I had had enough. This is when he began searching my things while I was out and keeping tabs on everything I did. I tried to confront him a couple of times about his need to control and my belongings began to get "damaged" or disappear altogether. I have learned to keep quiet. I know the answer seems simple - leave, but my income is very low and I have tried for over a year to change this. I have no family to help me. I could stay with a friend, but I am afraid to involve someone else he may retaliate against. I guess I am wondering if anyone else has dealt with a situation like this and if so, how did you cope?????

[Rhapsody]

I would say that you must do what you need to do in order to be safe and that you should precede with CAUTION for this man sounds like he could be dangerous to you and your daughter.
IMO - he will never change until he can deal with his own inner demons, the ones that have him, a grown man, acting like a little child.

Take-Care and be Safe.... ((( hugs )))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[almostangela]

Oh boy, can I relate. Looking back now I have some sound advise that I wish I had heard. First thing is break the silence to your family and friends, even if they are distant. You need evidence on his unusual behaviour and it is his insecurity that is most dangerous to you because you don't know how deep that goes. Your silence is his advantage. If he threatens you in ANY way, make a report to the police. (eg, "I will never let you go" is a serious threat) Go to a marraige counsellor and use that person as a mediator to express your real intentions (another witness and support for you).

As for the money, you would be surprised and amazed at how resourseful you can be with little money. Don't use that as an excuse. You will find your way through that with the support of friends or societies that are out there just for people like you. Low money is only temporary.

Also, when you tell him you are leaving, do not leave yourself alone with him.

I was imprisioned for a year and a half and when I did go out, I was stalked and questioned extensively when I returned. My ex's insecurity was so deep that he was willing and able to kill me, possibly the kids, and certainly himself after he did the deed. I knew if I left, I would be dead. I finally got help through a counsellor, who insisted we go on antidepressants before she tried to get us back together. (She could see the danger to me). Then I broke down and told my doctor what was going on and he put me on light antidepressants and put him on a cocktail of antipsycotic drugs. This gave me the advantage I needed to escape with my kids.

Your situation may not be this bad, but I couldn't tell that mine would be this bad, and it doesnt' hurt to be prepared.

[CedarS]

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Their website at http://www.ndvh.org/

Someone to talk with is available 24/7.

I highly believe that you need to start talking with advocates and let them help you develop safety plans. They can help you connect up with local services.

Advocates can help you sort out your next step, each step. They will take you seriously, they know that what you are going through is not okay, and that emotional and psychological abuse is just as important to deal with as physical.

[seeker1950]

Unfortunately, I have dealt with a psycho before, and I have posted about it here previously. The advice you are hearing from others here is good.
I can say that in my experience, the police weren't much help until he broke into my house by using a rock to break thru my patio door, and then tried to shoot me several times with a loaded gun. The gun jammed, and I escaped to the neighbor's driveway, where he continued to point the gun at me and tried to make it fire. Neighbors called the police and there was a long standoff, but he was finally subdued.
For you, if your husband is as unstable as you describe, I would seek a women's shelter for you and your children, and I would NOT try to discuss anything with him about leaving. By doing so, you will only aggravate him, and give hm an opportunity to act out in who knows what kind of way.
Patty

[froggie2]

I agree you need to get out and get support fast. He sounds extremely dangerous. Low funds are nothing when you could be maimed or dead.You have yours kids to think of and this is pretty unhealthy for them. :heart_spin Have faith that things can be much better but you need to take that first step.

[Waiting4Dreams]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I'm sure some of you know what it's like to sometimes feel too exhausted to even think about leaving, but this too, I know, is one of his tactics (and there are MANY). I have made sure that anyone who knows me well and was willing to listen is aware of all that he says and does (including a therapist). It has been so intense at times that I have thought, "fine, if he kills me at least it will all be over". I wish there seemed to be more viable options for those of us who end up trusting the wrong person.

[alisandria]

The longer you stay, the worse it will get. I went through a similar incident with an ex...very strange stuff he did. I found out sometime ago, he would even go to the extent of smelling my underwear after I would come home from where ever, to see if I were with a man?? HUH??? I never cheated on him, he was the one that was the chronic liar and cheater, and over all idiot.

I am still living with the damage done to me. Things got progressively worse, and not only was I "looked over" by him as he calls it, but I was stalked by a girl he was dating and her friend, that got pretty bad, and ended up in court. The only one that was ever actually charged was the friend. So, get out while you can. I told enough people years ago, if I wind up dead before my time under suspicious circumstances it's the ex that did it.

You really can surviive on very little out there, we still do today. It's not easy, but it's a future. And I agree don't tell him you are leaving, when you do, just do it...a person like that, the only way they feel in control is by being in control of your life.

Best of luck. Lisa

[bebop]

there is always low income housing and restraining orders there for you! my advise is to get out and out of that town! don't wait. you and your children are in danger!

[almostangela]

Sorry for contradicting you, Bebop. Your advise is full of concern and sound, and many have said this to me also. However, if she leaves town with her kids, without concrete police evidence against him, he can charge her with kidnapping her own kids and have them forced back, thus setting a president for custody hearings. Also, if she leaves, with or without a restraining order, he can find her and hurt her from a distance.

Please, Waiting4Dreams, call the local abuse centre today and ask for help. I used to think like you and wish he would just get it over with, but when I was faced with death in my face, my thought was 'I want to live'. I moved forward because I couldn't stand the guilt of putting my kids through this and the thought of them seeing their mother in an ambulance or worse.

I promise you, that when this is all over, you will know greater happiness than you ever imagined possible. Freedom is such a wonderful feeling and can't be described to those who have never lost it. You are so much stronger than you realize. Take the steps away from him and do it now. You have dreams waiting for you. Don't ever give up.

[bebop]

I only speak because I have been there only with real threats of physical harm to me. yes she could be charged I suppose but if she gets to a shelter and files for divorce she could bring up those concerns. Getting out of the town will prevent him bothering her all the time

[SeptemberMorn]

One thing to remember; restraining orders don't stop a thing! The only thing they do is make a misdemeanor a felongy!

There's Welfare in most States, I think. I had to go that route to get out from under a man much like what you're talking about.

It's good that you realize just how dangerous this man is. You need to be safe and make your kids safe!

You've gotten some very good advice. Good luck! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.