[bluegirl007]

...He just proposed?

thankyou in advance for your advice

[Wren_]

hi bluegirl ... you just posted in another thread saying you wanted to leave him because he cheats on you, so not sure why you would be considering it?

all I can say is, really think about it. Don't just allow the emotional flood of the moment take over your thoughts.

Good luck

[bluegirl007]

he has cheated on me in the past, but say's he's not cheating now and has stopped...but I don't believe him because trust is destroyed...we have a family and children that is the only reason why I posted the question in the first place. You know people in glass houses should not throw bricks.

[Yoda]

If there is no trust I don't see how having a legal document that says you are a couple will help the relationship. If you choose to marry him I would have a long engagement to make sure you can trust him again. Trust and respect are the most important parts of relationships, I think.

You can't marry someone you don't trust...it totally goes against all logic. And if you think he is still cheating, what kind of example would you be setting for your kids by marrying him? He needs to be helping to support them financially, and if he treats them well, then of course he should have all the rights a father has. But relationship-wise, steer clear of him. You and your children deserve better.

[hamster-bamster]

yes if you are OK with his continuing the way he is, sex-wise, and are happy with him in other departments.

no if you have any plans for him to change, sex-wise.

also, dissolving a marriage is much harder and much costlier than leaving a boyfriend. There might be some additional financial security that you could get from the legal document, but you would also acquire extra trouble. To compare the financials with and without a marriage, you need to see a professional (a family attorney).

Also, since 50% of marriages end up in divorce, you should already start thinking of how it would be to divorce him, and, if you are a rational individual, the time spent thinking of your future together should equal the time spent thinking about how you would be divorcing him - to match the 50/50. This is not what people normally do when they get married, but I can tell you in hindsight (my problems were not like yours in kind, but still like yours in severity) that it is much more prudent to think hard about how you would be divorcing him. Is his cooperative? Is he vindictive? etc. Many questions to answer before you say "yes".

[Mrwings101]

Only you can answer that. I say read your other threads.

[SilverNeurotic]

Did he propose because he genuinely wants to get married, or did he propose to you because he is trying to keep you from leaving him. Also, if you agree to marry him would he be willing to go into therapy or rehab to deal with his sexual addiction? If you can't answer them, or the answer is no...do not do it. It would be just setting up for failure and a lot of unhappiness for you, your boyfriend and your kids.

[Perna]

What would you get from marrying him? I don't know the laws of your state but without the marriage there is still child support, etc. I would have a discussion with him, why he wants to marry (does he think that's what you want or that that will help you trust him more?) what he sees marriage as being like, etc. If he is trying to help himself stay on the straight and narrow because he believes the idea of being "married" will mean something to him, I'd say he is trying to use you for his own benefit rather than be a partner to you, which is what marriage is about to me. My husband and I often say/notice what a "great team" we make. I say don't partner with a donkey if you are a race horse!

[lynn P.]

No don't marry him if he has this problem. Its seems like his proposal is an act of desperation to soften you up. Tell him to get help with this problem. I also doubt therapy will cure his problem - why should he give up this sexual freedom. Find a better partner who's willing to treat you right.

[tinyrabbit]

When you're asking other people if you should marry him, the answer is absolutely definitely no.

[boopei]

Regardless of if you have children together or not. DO NOT marry someone if there is no trust, no communication, no love. It won't do either of you any favors.

My partner is dealing with the consequences of making that decision almost 12 years ago, and he and the kids are both going through pure hell right now because of his ex wife.

You'll be better off going your separate ways and co-parenting that way instead of getting into a legal marriage where there's no trust. Good luck.

[wpmelane]

You could always test him. Figure out if he would indeed cheat again. They usually say once a cheater always a cheater, I tend to agree with that. BUT, people do make mistakes and can change. Him being a highly sexual person, and has already cheated on you I would be very very wary of plunging in. I would say no.

[Yoda]

[bluegirl007]

great advice ladies

I read the post and all I think is NO NO NO. You have kids together that will never change. You don't have to be married to have a family.