[Mcube]

I'm in love with a girl who has experienced several bad sexual assaults from different boys when she was young.

She has suffered a lot after this bad experience. She told me she used to have sleeping disorder, nightmares, eating disorder, stomach aches, self torturing habits, nervousness and she has failed a year in her faculty due to one of the accidents.

Of course these bad events made her hate, fear and feel disgusted from anything related to sexual relationships and intimacy and keeps running away from any boy who loves her and likes to have a long term relationship with her.

And since she is smart, she never admits that she is running away, and she never says that she is afraid of intimacy. She just says that she used to run away before but now she is totally convinced that there is no reason for anyone to get married from anyone and that we all should love each other spiritually without any physical contact, and if physical contact is needed to express love, then it should be with no sexual intent, and of course with no sexual organs involved. So instead of facing her fears, she has created a complicated smart philosophy to justify running away.

When me and her got to know each other and liked each other, then loved each other, she was really happy and she loved me and loved the way I love her and I didn't think that she would run away suddenly when I propose to her.

Of course a lot of what she has done had hurt me, but I don't know why I was very patient with her,although I was still knowing nothing about her bad experiences.

And even though I was hurt, I still want to help her, not just for me to marry her, but I don't want to see her imprisoned by her fears. Even if she is going to refuse me as a husband after that.

I don't know what to do?! I talked with her a lot, and tried to convince her that all what's happening to her is just a reflex action to her bad experience, but I failed. I also showed her that sexual intimacy is not urgent to me, and that I need her emotionally to be beside me as a best friend, and that I can wait for a long period after our marriage without trying to touch her if she wants, but still she refuses. And when I ask her if she still loves me, she always says yes and she always says that she wants me around her.

I need your help because my situation is so bad. And I don't know what's the best thing to do? Does my talk work or not? What to say and what not? Does being beside her and kind to her work? Should I stay with her or let her go? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Please help

[charlie07]

my daughters suffered similar. i feel for you and her of course. she really has to get to counselling, maybe assessed for depression. visit to doc would be a good start. it sounds like you are a wonderful person and there should be more like you. i think walking away could perhaps make things worse for her. she has built a wall and its going to take alot of time and work to break it down. hang in there, its sounds like you are exactly who she needs in her life, i know its going to be extremely hard on you. perhaps you could find a support network for yourself to help you

[Soundoff]

First off I want to commend you, it's seems like you do care for this girl and you're making huge efforts for her. I agree with Charlie and think that counseling/therapy is the best option, the only option in my opinion for her to get over her past. I think you should explain to her that you're willing to support her every step of the way romantically or not and then give her some space. By space, I mean no contact at all, unless she does first for about a week. I think for someone in her situation since you said she's so smart, she very prideful that you might have to give her a little push. You know here better than I ever could so if she's not the type of person that responses well to pushes then don't do so. But regardless you should tell her about seeing a therapist.

[ilive4music]

I have similar issues and therapy did help..so I would suggest it..along with perhaps a support group?

[Mcube]

Thank you all for your advice. I did what you told me to do and went to a therapist by myself and he advised me, like you, to be direct with her by telling her that what she's facing is a problem that has a cure, and that she needs a therapist.

So I've told her directly, but in a more kind and polite way, so that I don't hurt her or make her feel afraid. And I told her how much I'm ready to provide support.

What happened is that she chatted with me angrily and she felt disgusted from the topic and went offline

And now I'm in a no contact period for 5 days till now and still waiting . Any advice for the first contact?

[turquoisesea]

I think you did the right thing.

I'd leave it just asking how she is. Don't ask about therapy, or if she took your advice. When I'm down and hurting, all I want to know is that someone cares for me.

You obviously care for her - so the best I think you can do here, is just let her know you care, and are there for her if she can open up to you. If she can't ... that's where she is right now.

good luck!

[Mcube]

Thanks for your advice .. but really she's not feeling down as she don't see that there is a problem of not getting married to anyone at all.

You know when someone has some fears that he/she doesn't want to face, it becomes easier for him/her to runaway. But because no one wants to see himself/herself as a coward who runs away, we always create a crazy idea or philosophy to justify running away.

In my case, my girl denies that she's running away from her fears and instead says that marriage is a disgusting thing and should not pollute love and that there is no reason for anyone to have kids, which is a totally wrong philosophy.

So if we agree that the first step of solving the problem is to notice that there is a problem, then this means that my girl still didn't take the first step of solving her problem

And you know why it's hard especially for me to convince her that there is a problem?
That's because she'll always see that I'm the one who will benefit from convincing her like when a salesperson tries to convince you to buy his product.. you may always see that he/she is not very honest, because he/she will take your money when you buy the product

I don't know.. it's really confusing.. but I hope everything get fixed.. I've already did my best.. and still waiting.. wish me good luck..

[Poppy Princess]

How about you just leave it alone? You only really care because you'll benefit. Otherwise, you wouldn't even bother. So stop being selfish, find something else to focus on, and leave her the **** alone

[turquoisesea]

wishing luck for sure!

[Mcube]

It's not being selfish Poppy Princess
Sure I'll benefit from being with her. I'll benefit because I'll be happy to live with a girl who is very similar to me in many ways, we have similar interests, dreams, life style, opinions and we understand each other very well. I don't think this is a bad thing.

Moreover, she herself feels happy when we are together and she loves me, so you can consider it as a mutual benefit . It's only the marriage thing that makes her afraid, that's all.

But anyways, thank you for your advice , and don't worry, I know I've already did my best and without pushing, and in the coming period I'll not start such conversations with her again, I'll just be a friend to her

[turquoisesea]

here's a question - just food for thought. Will you still be ok without getting those things, and without marriage in a year? Shouldn't change your decision right this moment but something to think about Just be aware of your personal limits, is what I'm getting at

[avlady]

Stay friends first, if you love someone set them free if they come back to you they are yours, if not it was never meant to be, or something like that, not quit sure how that saying goes.

[blur]

you really can't change another person. it sounds like you really love her, but it is up to her as to whether or not to face her issues and deal with them. she may or may not do that. i think you have to decide if you can stay with her as she is now. if not, then it probably would be best to leave her. i'm sure that would be quite difficult, but there is no guarantee that you waiting around is going to change anything, especially since she likes things the way they are now.

[Mcube]

turquoisesea, avlady and blur.. thanks for your advice

blur.. I agree with you that waiting around won't change anything.. but do you think it's best to leave her? and to which level? should I totally disappear from her life?