[cocodemer]

Had some issues with my boyfriend from the very beginning of this relationship, I had a thread on here in 2010, ok we decided to try our best, I guess I was the only one trying very hard to keep the relationship together, I became paranoid, depressed and in constant sadness, the problem is, he is not honest, same issues with no compromise, I had to keep hoping he will se sense in what im saying... we live together, I don't know how much he earns, we do not have a budget as a couple, he just brings some money home as if he is a lodger, no further discussions, he never talks about finances with me, honestly I don't know what he is doing with his money?? if he has savings or not?? what I know is he makes sure what he brings to the house, not a piece of paper with his name on it, ive looked in his bag so many times, nothing there, not even in his drawers, it does my head in cause I don't know what he is hiding? im open and honest with him and talks about my savings and earnings with him...

lately if I ask any questions he goes to me im paranoid, so this resulted in me asking his workmates about their salaries, now his workmate are spreading rumours that I tried to chat him up, lies, lies.. my self esteem is at its lowest now, my boyfriend knows that im stressed a lot about this situation, he even tells me that I look restless when im sleeping. oh my God, I have no confidence, I don't even want to leave the house, I feel ugly and drained, I have no interest in intimacy, I cry when im alone, and when we break up I go back looking for him even tho everyone tells me he is the main source of my problems, cause I use to shine like a diamond before I met him, now I just stay in the house while he goes and enjoys himself.
2 wks ago I told him to leave cause he said to me in an argument that his ex was a better woman then me even tho she cheated on him, I got mad and told him to leave.

Im drained cause I have tried so much to understand him, from my last thread of 2010 I even build a beautiful house with my inheritance money, now we have a beautiful home to live in, still my bf is not happy with my efforts, he blames me for everything, saying he loves me with all his heart and that I don't love him, cause I always argue with him, he gets defensive in everything, like I should not talk about the relationship, since I have been with him, he never discusses anything as a couple, we are always arguing on the same things,break up make up style relationship, when we make up he is sooo nice and will do anything for me, that's for only 1week, and back to the old style.
My main worry here is what is he hiding? hes even told me that I don't love him, I love his pay slips, that's why he doesn't bring it home cause thats got nothing to do with me..

I feel its only me running around in this relationship, when we argue he moves back to his mum, he sits there and wait for me to call or text him, then he will say how much hes missed me and he knows that ive missed him too. blah blah..
I mean we are both 45 yrs old, surely a relationship should not be like that. He seems to think I want to control him, only because he hides stuff from me, he will find all kids of excuses so he can avoid that topic.

Please give me some support as this time I will not call or text him, its been 3wks now, this relationship is too much trouble and its driving me crazy, he is happy cause everything is done for him, im the one to rack my brain to put things together.

[gayleggg]

I, agree with you that a relationship should not be like you are describing. Does he pay his part on the bills, etc? Since you aren't married I don't see that he owes an explanation of his finances, as long as he is paying his share of the bills. However, just because he doesn't owe it to you doesn't mean he shouldn't want to share. I would be concerned that if he hides that, what else is he hiding. Sounds like you two are on different wave lengths. And sounds like you have already made up your mind. For your own sanity I would get out of this crazy relationship. Just my opinion.

[cocodemer]

Gayle
Thanks for the reply, however I do not agree that just because we are not married he should keep his earning a secret. We are living together as a couple and do things just as if we are married. I do not have any problem in being open about everything, I guess this is what trust is about?
U are right in saying that he could be hiding even more then just his earnings..
My problem is ... he could even be supporting another household or giving his money to someone else, I don't really know cause he does a lot of overtime at work, everytime we argue he leaves for weeks and I assume hes at his mums house and he knows I never check on his whereabouts, so to be honest for all I know he could be livng a double life.
I feel there is a reason for someone hiding important things when in a relationship, I do not have to scrutinize his payslips, my concern is why he keeps all his confidential papers at his workplace or at his mums? surely he has something he is hiding and that brings insecurities in the relationship.

[avlady]

You may be right about the finances and the time when he's not around for awhile, i would be suspecious too about where the hell he's been, you're not parinoid, just curious which is justified

[CedarS]

Your boyfriend is being abusive.

I hope you listen to your intuition and suspicions.

You could redirect your time and energy to yourself. Let go of him, have him move out, and focus on your own healing and fun. Take good care of yourself. Are you in therapy? You deserve to be treated well.

Sounds like trying to work things out with him is only opening you up to further abuse. So if I was in your shoes, I would need to get away from him. He may or may not be up to something, but no matter what, his behaviors are red flags and just plain aren't working for you.

Your preferences and wishes count.

[cocodemer]

If he really cared about the relationship surely he would have at least tried his best to meet me halfway , He makes it as if im the problem and I overeact and that im trying to control him.