[geekgirl]

I haven't posted here in ages and ages. I read a bit now and again. Am here now because while my life has been actually quite good, I've been struggling with a friend who I am considering going hard core no contact with.

Story: she is anorexic, probably has some other issues that she hasn't confided in me or told me about, and her husband has just left her. She has talked to me about the anorexia, and I just listened. We all have our problems in this world.

But I also noticed she drinks A LOT. I'm not much of a drinker. A beer or glass of wine now and again. I think she's been doing it to cope with the separation.

For a few weeks, she has been text bombing me and calling me constantly alternately threatening suicide or begging me for help about what to do if she gets a divorce. I tell her, get a lawyer, get a therapist, and stop drinking. (She tells me she is drinking heavily when she does this.)

Well this morning, after coping with incessant suicide threats all weekend (she did admit to having a bunch of sleeping pills and did not eat for 4-5 days and was drinking at 8 am today), I called 911 twice. The second time, they did get her. (I don't know why they didn't take her the first time, she had her 11 year old daughter right there!)

Well after they took her about 11am, her husband did call me later and said she was put into a 72 hour hold in the hospital. He actually thanked me, she did swallow a massive amount of pills. Here it is, 12 hours later, I am still shaking.

I am considering going absolutely NO CONTACT with her now, at least for a while. This got so difficult for me, the constant calling/texting and constant threats of suicide and then she does attempt it. I know other things she's done as well (like walk out on an intervention with her family due to her severe anorexia) that make me feel this is just not a good place for me to be. Has anyone gone no contact with a friend or family member like this? Is this a good thing to do? I've struggled with some depression issues in the past, and I just don't want to go down that slippery road again. Input? She has family--parents and siblings. My feeling right now? Maybe selfish, but let THEM deal with this, I don't know if I can cope with her after she is discharged from the hospital and I feel as if I've become her only support mechanism!!

[SilverNeurotic]

Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself first, and when you surround yourself with people like your friend it is very easy to get swept up In their drama and not pay attention to your own mental health and that is not a good thing to do.

[here today]

It sounds great that you were able to be this woman’s friend, be supportive and observant, and called 911. Yes, now, her difficult, desperate situation has some other people’s attention and it doesn’t sound like it would be too good for either of you to fall back into a relationship where you are her only support. I’ve gotten into relationships like that a couple of times and there’s no amount of energy that I can provide that could lift or pull the other person out of their hole.

I have a friendship now with a woman I met in a support group and I don’t quite know what to do about. It’s not as seriously one-sided as the one you described, and my friend isn’t as desperately ill as your friend but she dropped out of the group and has few other supports. She also has a bunch of medical problems and sees a therapist. Last year she moved closer to me when she had to give up driving, and now just “waits” for me to call to do things with her. When we get together the only topics of conversation that she initiates are complaints about other people or the world situation in general. I’ve been distancing myself somewhat but I’m afraid that eventually the friendship may fall apart. Each of us has had our share of mental health problems and neither of us have a lot of experience with long-term friendships. There must be a middle way between distancing and confrontation but I'm not sure what it is or how to get there.

i hope your friend will be okay

while i don't agree that no contact is the best idea, (she clearly needs people around her), perhaps just distance yourself until things improve

[geekgirl]

Thanks, all.

Confrontation isn't the issue here. I have never had any desire to confront her. I do know the issues she's facing, and they are pretty gigantic--anorexic, husband and her are separated, and she has a lot of anxiety. Those are the ones I know about. When it became too much at times, I did shut my phone off or told her I couldn't meet her somewhere.

I don't mean to imply no contact forever, no more. I just need to distance myself from her drama for awhile. It is draining. She has family--parents, siblings, other friends (hopefully not alienated, I don't know). She too needs to understand that there are others too that she can rely on for help, not to be mean but it can't be just one person all the time--and that is pretty much what happened when her husband left at the end of summer, she was constantly calling/texting me. And I kinda suspect that's why she and her husband are separated, she is a very needy person. It took me HOURS to unwind after being in contact with her, I'm still not certain I'm unwound and relaxed after going through what I did yesterday. I do agree that it is a good idea that we don't fall back into that position where I am her only support--it is really draining.

Take care of yourself first. I relate to both sides of the story. You are a loving person and so supportive. Take care of you first. It sounds like she has weak boundaries and can come across as an emotional vampire. You need to take care of you, sweetie. It is a friend. It is not a spouse...it is not your child. The relationship is important but you are not her therapist. xoxo

[NWgirl2013]

I think you are smart to make some distance. You said yourself you are not equipped to handle her problems. Think of it as an emotional black hole. You can be at the edge but you don't want to get caught up in that human vortex right now.
Your physical reaction is something you should be paying attention to. Your body is telling you something.
I have done this, cut someone off because their situation was outside the scope of my own life skills. It's okay. I don't have to be everything to everyone.

Yes, create some distance, don't answer calls/messages ...for awhile, until you can come up with a plan to protect yourself in the future. You matter too in this scenario...
Best to you. I hope your friends' calls for help were finally heard by her family.