[jigujikkan]

This is my first post in the forum, although I have been reading as a guest for many months and meaning to post. I need help now, I am in a very dark place & I don't know what to do. I posted on a different website a few months ago, but i was too bogged down to even go back and seek help.

First about myself:

I'm from a south east asian country and am living in the Bay Area. I am well off and have a promising career ahead of me. I have recently started to listen to budhist audio books and have been trying to practice. I have self-introspected and I know that I have a big ego. I can be hurtful without realizing it to satisfy my ego sometimes. Nothing big but I am learning (or want to learn) to be more humble.

I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl i know from high school for the last 4 years. She lives back in my country and we have not been able to be geographically co-located for all of the relationship for several reasons.I love her very deeply and the understanding was that we move together when i married her (going to be soon, maybe in a few months from now). We've had a very turbulent relationship. She has had a very very difficult childhood(due to emotional abuse etc..) and not very happy years prior to our relationship(due to a stalker).I knew somewhat about this a little about this before I asked her out and have a much deeper understanding now.I have no problem with any of this.Her past however has left a very deep scar on her and she was very reluctant to open up at the beginning of the relationship.I was harsh on her because I did not understand this dynamic entirely and like I said I have a big ego.We'd fight constantly but make up - it was two way.I did/said some things that were hurtful but I did not understand that she was bottling it all up due to her sensitive nature. She lashed out after a couple of years and was very very hurt & bitter.I've since toned back myself and I've been very very giving and tried to help.She has been positively mean,demeaning,controlling,emotionally blackmailed me and made me do very very demeaning things.I try to comply in the hope that things will improve.When I can take it no more,I try to let go and walk away.However each incident is manipulated as my fault and all the blame comes back to me.I feel very guilty that I have contributed to her bitterness and that I will destroy her completely if I leave.Everytime I beg and plead my way back in and buckle down some more but the bitterness keeps increasing. I have lost a lot of things, friends, and all passion for life in many of the situations I have been put in. To make her feel better or to avoid confrontation, I have admitted to things I have never done.

In our country, a guy dating a girl is a big deal and break ups are humiliating especially to the girl.She has told a lot of her relatives and friends about me.She does not like me anymore but does not want to let go because she is afraid of the consequences.She is suffering a lot and is driving me nuts too.I am in such a situation now.She wants me to say it is over and take the blame - and even when I do, she does not let go. She does not know what she wants and I am very very scared. She wants me to do extreme things so in her mind some day she can trust me again. I feel very confused. I feel compassion for her suffering and I love her. She is a good person in general, very talented - but just adamant and puts me in impossible situations.I am the only one she can lean on for now and I feel very locked down.She is vulnerable now(I don't blame her) but I am sinking too - she is blind with rage and hurt and mistrust. I still care for her well being as a person but things can never be the same again - she knows this too but is afraid to break out of the relationship because of societal pressure and she doesn't know what she will do next. Please help me - i feel so lost.

I've heard the most vile,humiliating things and I've been subject to a lot of cruelty.It always comes back to - "you made me suffer, what are you complaining about. this is the only way to earn my trust.". When i try to walk away, she gets bitter/vulnerable and i feel compelled to hope that things will be better this time.The moment i give in, she gets tough again and makes it sound like i begged my way back in.I can't meet my friends, I've lost a lot of credit at work and passion for what i do.I am ambitious (and i don't know if i am unreasonably selfish as a consequence). She openly taunts me and threatens me that she will break up with me, but if I do the same there is always hell to pay. There are times when i feel i can explain her behavior because of her past and if i treat her right she will come to love me too and change. There are other times when i feel she is never going to let go of these mind games. What is wrong with me? And with her?

[jigujikkan]

I must add that i don't have a lot of experience with relationships, this is my first serious one.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, and welcome to Psych Central!

I can understand the humiliation of breaking up a relationship. You will have to decide what would be best. However, to my way of thinking, you and she would have a miserable marriage.

Is she really still insisting that she wants to marry you? It doesn't sound like it. I honestly doubt that she will change. I am not convinced that she will be all that hurt if you break up with her. As you say, it might cause some embarrassment, but I think that's better than a terrible marriage.

I also don't think you need to feel guilty about what is happening. You sound like you have done the best you could to get along with her.

Of course, it's your choice. And I am from the United States, so my experiences and beliefs color what I say.