What make this time different? So lost....

Hi, I'm brand new here and this is my first time on a forum. I am going through a really difficult time with my partner and I'm at a loss of how to handle anything anymore. If anyone has some words of advise or insight into this, I am a sponge! Here's my story...

My partner and I have been together since February 2013, and living together for almost as long (you know how we lesbians don't like to waste time). I fell head over heals for immediately, and it has been for the most part incredible. She is really an amazing woman and I truly want to spend my life with her.

A little history...
I was married when I was 18 to a man who was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me. I have had three other serious relationships after coming out as a lesbian, the longest being10 years. My nature is to fill the submissive role in my relationships, inevitably getting my heart broken. I loved in the best way I could, but never gave all of my heart, mind, or self to anyone. I had to keep a safety net for when they hurt me. And I fully expected to be hurt, so I always held back something.

After my longest relationship ended, I realized that I was the one that was causing the problem. That I couldn't expect anyone to love me if I didn't love myself first. That by not being true to myself , I was not letting them understand me at all. And I was expecting for my partners to make me happy, then disappointed when I wasn't. That is too much for to ask of anyone I think...I realized that I'm in charge of my own happiness....and so I made some changes.

So going into my current relationship, I laid everything on the table early on. I was nothing but just me, and it was great! When we fell in love, I fell hard and gave all. It was a mutual feeling that we shared. We were so honest and open together. I shared and opened up about things no one else knew because I trusted her. And she did the same. We made an agreement in the beginning that we wouldn't hide things we were feeling, we would talk about things and work through them. I felt that I made it apparent through my actions, reactions, and love that I wouldn't judge her for anything she told me. She said that she had never been so able to feel what she actually felt without fear of judgement or persecution. We were in every way a partnership.

Then the lies started...or I started seeing them at least. The first was about her living situation. It was something so stupid, but she was always ready to explain away anything that came up that didn't add up. It was such a ridiculous thing, why would she lie about that? She did finally came clean when I asked her about it for what seemed like the tenth time. And only then because I had stumbled onto proof that she had been lying. So after a calm but emotional conversation, she swore never to lie to me about anything again. And I believed her...
There were a few little things in between that would have been nothing alone, but with all else, felt big. In May, I got really sick and was hospitalized four times for over 30 days total. It was more than 5 months before someone figured out what was wrong with me and I had surgery to fix me back up. During that time, it came to light that on two occasions, she had sent/received very sexually explicit texts between her and a male friend. Once before we had met,and once when I was in the hospital. I was hurt and shaken by this, so again I confronted her. She tried explaining that he was drunk both times, and she was just playing around. She it was "only texts" and she didn't do anything wrong. But eventually, she saw just how messed up it was and how bad I hurt. I had never given all of me to anyone for this exact reason. It was a horrible time. But we forged ahead...

She said she knew that she had given me reasons not to trust her and believe she wouldn't do it again. I worked hard (along with her) to rebuild the trust back because I truly felt her sincerity. I begged her to open up more and let me have insight into her thoughts, share anything with me at this point, no matter how big or small. It was rough, we were dealing with so many things all at once. But we kept going.
One evening my partner showed me some emails that she had just gotten out of the blue from an old friend that she hadn't heard from in several years. The emails contained poems that professed the love her friend had for her. I shared my concerns about that friendship with my partner, explaining how I felt it was disrespectful of her friend, and that it made me uncomfortable. Especially after what all we were recovering from. She completely understood my side this time and cut the communications completely. And so we moved on and I had the chance to heal completely. I finally was able let go of my fear, hurt, and anger, and trust her again.

We dealt with a few other things that happen in relationships. But I felt so confident that things were headed into the direction we both wanted. Then out of nowhere, it happened again. I found a few texts months later to/from this same girl, and after digging a bit discovered hundreds more that had been deleted and many phone conversations. She told me twice before that she hadn't heard from her after the poems. She tried to defend her lying about the texts, and when asked if there was more, she looked me right in the eye and lied about the phone conversations. It all ended up coming out in a heated exchange.
She was afraid I would think she was having an affair so she just kept it from me. I was so hurt that she was more concerned about being unfair to a person who had not been in her life in years, than she was about hurting me...the person she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. How could she do those things knowing that even one little lie could crush me. Knowing all we poured into moving forward. How could she tell me I was her everything but I not be worth anything. And yet, I decided to give her one last, last chance. And I have made it clear that this is it.

We have talked so much more in this past few days than we have in a while. And for the first time, my partner even brought to light one or two small lies that I didn't know about. And what is frustrating is how stupid some of these lies were. On their own, small...but all together, massive!

I want to be with her, I love her deeply. I do feel that she may be a compulsive liar and proabky are bit. I want to believe her intentions and the things she says, but I'm not sure what I can believe anymore. How do I know what was or is real after all that? I mean, honestly, what is so different now that makes me suddenly worth fighting for? I feel completely defeated and broken by this. I don't sleep because I have nightmares and can't shut my brain off. I have lost my appetite and my desire to do much of anything. I am trying, but I don't know how to do this, but I have to try. She is doing her the best she can...I'm not sure what that's worth though. I look at her and still see my best friend, my confidant, my love. Then it will hit me that she is the same one that caused this pain. I have no one that I can talk to about this, no one that I trust with my feelings. The one person that can help me is the one person that hurt me the most.

I don't know how to handle this...I want to just not exist some days. Anything to not feel like this.

Twigger[/LEFT]

Hi Twigger. So sorry to say I am thinking the same thing...What makes this time different. Over and Over and Over
When I was reading your post about the poems and that your g/f showed them to you etc. I was thinking great, that is exactly what she should have done. and you were right to think she should not communicate with someone that had those feelings for her. That is not fair to you or the other girl!
You may not think that little lies are important, but they are. Little lies always turn into big lies.
But my thought is why lie about anything. Is there anything that is worth breaking your trust.
You said you realized a while ago that no one can make you happy except yourself and you were so right. But along with that comes knowing your own self worth, and you are worth so much more then this girl is giving to the relationship.
Without trust there is not much and you deserve more then that

Twigger I'm going to give you a dose of reality, be honest and supportive all at the same time, so please do not take offense and I apologize in advance if you do take offense. I honestly have no radar or filter on what is appropiate I just try to be honest and hope for the best.

There is absolutely NO PERFECT relations. Never gonna happen! GUARANTEED! IMHO I think you are being overly playing your expectations. They are not rational. Everyone needs space and some privacy. Demanding to know everything about another person's life is IMHO being controlling and invading that privacy. She sounds pretty normal to me. Heck if we all knew every thing our spouse or partner was doing every minute there would be no relationships at all. The fact and truth is every one or most every one has and does engage in questionable activity that can be questioned. Rather then focus on that and dwell on that which is not healthy at all, you should take comfort that she is still with you and trying to be as open and honest as possible for her. You can not expect her to be just like you. That's unfair. I think you need to cut her some slack let her have her private time and space. That will be a much more healthier relationship. And if this relations works out or not will not depend on how honest each are. It's going to depend on how long you can both feeling attracted to each other. Don't let these petty things and yes I consider the texting/emails petty too. Would I like it or approve? Nope. But it would not be a show stopper if she showed regret and said she was sorry. How often would I forgive her? Dunno. The point really is not to worry about it. Enjoy what you do have which is way more then a lot of people ever have!

IndieVisible, I don't take offense to your response at all, that's why I'm here. I obviously don't have the answers. I am so absolutely in agreement with you about the individualism of each person in the relationship. And in the beginning , it was just like that. I actually encourage her, even now, to have friendships and activities outside of our relationship. And I have expressed this as well, that if she wants to have cyber sex with a friend of hers, I'm all for that too...we've always been very open minded in that department. But it was also always understood that no matter what, we were both involved in that aspect especially. That was what was so hurtful about all of this, is that I have never been overbearing, judgmental, and definitely not controlling. And any of the things that she hid from me or lied about were things that I would have been open to discussing had she given me the chance. And when she pulls away from me emotionally and sexually but swears to my face that there is nothing wrong, then I do think that is something I should engage. If she's putting so much of what she is able to give to any relationship into other people and not into our partnership, then it should either change or move on right? But she was unwilling to change....but she always said she wanted to.
I don't know...I'm so out of reach of what should be or shouldn't be right now. That's what makes me so frustrated sometimes...I have never been this person before. I hate that I have jealous feelings out of nothing now. I hate thinking that if she is willing to lie about these little things, flat out right to my face lies, then what about the really big stuff? What about our future can I trust? I want to....but...grr.

Oh, and I never went out of my way to discover things about her actions. These things have just randomly presented themselves in unmistakeable ways. I'm not even sure it matters any more...I don't know.

Again, thank you for your insight, I do appreciate it.