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#1
Nov 12, 2013, 06:38 PM
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This is a note I wrote to my girlfriend (Sav) after she wrote me one telling me all these flaws she thinks she has or little weird facts. Some of it you might not understand but I tried to fill in some blanks. I don’t know how to keep going in this relationship... not even sure why I’m posting this but…
Black = me Red = Savii Italics = Filling in the blanks I don’t have pretty coloured paper but think you’ll survive J Damn you, you adorable idiot I love you so much I love you too Maybe it’ll always feel like a fairy-tale. I love you no matter what flaws you think you have. - Please don’t cut I need you here I won’t if you won’t - You’re beautiful! Absolutely the perfect combination of DNA lies - You have me always. Okay I care. I’m always here - Charlotte and I’s safe word is ‘pineapple’ even though I’m too scared to tell anyone the contents of my twisted mind - I’m not skinnier than you! You’re crazy. You’re perfect. You’re 10x skinnier, prettier, all round better than me. lies - How often do I need to say it!? You’re gorgeous! lies - I’ve tried to commit suicide more times than I’ve told you… Not even butterfly (Liam, best friend) knows. Stop please - You need to forget about butterfly (Liam) and I… we’re not going to act on it. I love you. (Liam and I have always had feelings for each other but never knew they were mutual until I was already in a relationship. Sav knows and gets upset about it quite often.) lies - I couldn’t do any better than you. And I wouldn’t want to. Lies - I literally want to die every single day… I hate being alive stay… - Hunny… trust me I know you can’t sing or play air guitar!! J can so I’ll love you the same when we’re old and grey. No matter what anyone thinks. I know this is right between us. It’s special. It sounds stupid but I don’t know… I left yesterday because I couldn’t handle it, (she went home from school “sick”) I went home cried in my shower for 50 minutes cut a few times on my legs. I can’t handle this… I hope you both know this is slowly killing me… I don’t know how much longer the fake smiles will last… you both said you would stop it… you did it again... (She thinks that we ignore her and only talk to each other while she sits there awkwardly) What did I do to you two? Do you want me to leave? I will. If you want me to… If I’m just going to sit there and feel worthless… sure… I’m over being hurt. I’m over life. My little list: - Cut since year 7, wrists, legs, ankles, arms, tummy… - Burns, scratches, cuts, etc. - Starve/bulimia since year 8 - I’ve tried to commit suicide just last week… not even Liam knows. I’ve done it more times than I wanted to admit to you. please don’t - I’ve been alone since about year 3, that’s when I started talking to myself and the anxiety started - I’ve been beaten up, bashed, punched since year 7 - Not that long ago I was daily beaten up by 3 guys that I didn’t even know When??!! - I’ve broken and split my knuckles about 7 times from punching walls - I’m having breakdowns and ripping at my hair, crying, screaming, punching + smashing things like every seconds day. Stop - I hate myself. I love you - Cry myself to sleep every night why? - I’m FINE… I’m lying! - I’m scared to go home. Don’t make me go back there. I’m sorry - I wish I could be anyone but me - My OCD is 20x worse than you know - I’m constantly having panic attacks - I don’t see why I keep myself alive, there’s no reason for me to stay but you + Liam - I am fat! NO! - It’s all I’ve ever been told. I hate it. My thighs, stomach, arms, everything! - I wear make-up to hide what’s inside, I’m still ugly as hell. You’re beautiful without it. - I hate being alone, it terrifies me - Thunderstorms scare me! Last night must have been hell. - Being near a hospital sends me into a panic breakdown - I constantly feel I should leave and let you + Liam be happy. All I do is hurt the both of you. I’m not happy with Liam, don’t leave. - I ask myself how I ever got you - I can’t sing either - My mood swings are getting worse ditto - So are the voices in my head - Today they just won’t leave me alone, that’s why I’m not all loud today. I’m internally fighting with myself. It’s telling me to do stuff I know I shouldn’t. I’m scared. - I NEED HELP You should probably tell butterfly (Liam) these. I know I should’ve told him. I always tell him these things. ^^end note |
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