I just don't know a single thing

I live in a small apartment in a small college town in the middle of a big no where. In my first year of college here after transferring I become overwhelmingly depressed. During that time a girl came out of no where and forced her way into my life as my first friend. After that I made a handful of others who graduated and two others that I am now living with.

All four of us are friends, which makes living here quite comfortable. Well, that was really all past tense, I just didn't want to spoil the story. This past Saturday they invited their friends over and we had a small dinner party. When it was time to eat, I prayed in my head as I always do. I do so because one of my friends is 'christian' who doesn't really care about being religious, another was christian then became an atheist, and the last, my first friend, is of another religion. These three constantly make jokes and banter about Christians even though they know I am religious. I never speak out, I pray for patience. But this night as my roommate sat to eat she folded her hands and yelled loudly, 'OKAY TIME TO PRAY' and my other yelled, 'OKAY GET OUT.' Then they both started to laugh and I was ... shocked. I didn't know what to do. I was so ... taken back and offended. Not so much that they would mock something so personal like prayer like that, oh no I get that every day, but that they would do it in front of everyone knowing that it was something precious to me. I thought behind everything they knew when to stop and knew how I felt. I was hurt.

So I glared. I glared at my roommate, my first friend, for making such a "joke" and she said nice and loud, 'Don't look at me like that.' Like a child that needed to be scolded. I could feel anger and humiliation simmering in me and near the top, ready to boil over. She pushed again, she said 'What?' so I replied. I gave in. I told her she doesn't need to say it like that. That she always makes fun of Christianity. Then she told me that I should be able to tell what is a joke and she couldn't understand why I could get offended. She wasn't going to stop. So I stopped speaking.

She wrote me a note yesterday morning explaining in great detail how I embarrassed her, that I should know what a joke is, and that I always play the victim. I wrote her back saying how I felt and that she has every right to say what she wants, but not to treat me like dirt. To take my faith into consideration because it's part of me. She then said I was calling her prejudice and went on about how I am technically repressing and something about sodomites that has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING involving me...most of it was a blur. She was making it her number one priority to fit me into everything she could and make me feel like I was the worst person on this entire planet. It was a very aggressive letter. The most aggressive I've seen.

At first I had great rage to fuel my response, but it died down so fast and I began to give in. There is no use in talking to someone who doesn't care or doesn't want to listen. But she is a master at twisting words and I've found myself at the mercy of her rage. I started to shake and panic at first, because I completely understand the implications. I am now the odd one out, my other roommates must know. I have to live with these girls for a year and these are my only friends left here. I started rocking back and forth, because I knew I would be alone now and nothing quite makes sense when you're having a panic attack.

And then I somehow forced myself to lay down and just cried for hours. I skipped all of my classes and stayed in bed all day. After I was done crying I just laid there, on my bed, and stared at the ceiling for a very long time. It was great. I didn't feel anything. I didn't think about anything. I was just existent on my bed. But around four in the evening the anxiety creeped back in and at work I had to remain completely normal.

And I had planned to go home after work. To drive two hours just to spend the night and come back to class, but then it suddenly snowed. It snowed and it wasn't stopping and I drove back to the apartment to hide in my cage. Something I had to get used to.
And I prayed for no more notes.
I prayed they would let me be.
And I heard them all enjoy themselves and wondered if I could possibly deal with this all semester and be healthy. I had no effort to do my work and sleep wouldn't come.

I'm 21 years old. I don't know how the world is supposed to work and I was never blessed with understanding. I am still figuring out religion and where I fit in it even though I've had it all my life. I'm trying to become closer, but deal with the reality of today. I believe so surely that God is kindness and yet I hear so much hate dripping from the mouths of those who call themselves religious. So I struggle. And in my struggle I lose the that peace of mind and I don't know how to trust my problems with God completely. Especially after something like this.

When it got really bad, the clinical depression, when I was younger I had tried to die. And no longer do I try, as I have at least found my faith, but not yet have I found my ground. I don't know if I did the right thing by saying anything. I don't want to be treated with insensitivity or like a doormat, but I don't want to go it alone. I am not good at that at all. It's the source of most of my struggle.

So I just simply don't know what to do.
I know that these are the consequences of my actions. I don't know if I should feel confident in my choices and I don't know if I should be allowed to feel such despair for such a small problem in the grand scheme of life. But that's what's so hard with dealing with this depression, this irrationality.

and I just don't know a single thing.

Personally, I don't think your friends were being very good friends to you. People don't have to be exactly the same to be friends, but they do need to respect each other. It sounds like she wasn't respecting you at all. I don't think you need to feel guilty over standing up for yourself.

Does your college have a Christian students group you can join?

Have you talked to the other friend, the one that hasn't been sending your cruel notes?

I promise there are people out there that have different beliefs from you but still respect you.