My Divorce

I am a Christian. I had dreams of becoming a stay-at-home mother. At the age of 26 I rushed into a marriage thinking I could change my husband so he would make me a stay-at-home mother. I didn't have a lot of choices for a husband. I refused to consider the option of NO HUSBAND. In my marriage I was the main breadwinner and often the sole breadwinner. My husband didn't want the responsibility of even supporting himself. I had to practically push him out the door to get him to go to work. At times he lied to me that he had a job when he didn't. Lying was a problem as well. He was always sick or scared or something. There were other issues in my marriage. I stayed in the marriage for 22 years hoping I could somehow save the marriage. Finally, after bringing home one of many short paychecks - because he didn't work 40 hours a week (and he was scheduled to) I decided I couldn't deal with it anymore. He was supposed to bring home $500 and he brought home $300. This had gone on for the past few months and I talked and to him about it and he told me his employer was shorting him. Right after that he lost his job and didn't tell me. I was aware he had lost his job but he kept pretending to go to work thinking I didn't know. Other things included abuse, pornography, lying and doing anything he could to make my life miserable. I went to my pastor and told him I was leaving my husband. My pastor told me to stay in the marriage. He said perhaps we could arrange marriage counseling. I was 47 years old and I didn't want to spend anymore time in the marriage. I tried to hang in there but I couldn't so I put money down on an apartment. When he was gone I packed up. I didn't have a car so I hired a moving company and moved my stuff out. I also moved three cats by cab. I moved out when he wasn't there because I was afraid he would beat me if he knew I was leaving. That was 9 years ago. I have not dated since then. I am in no hurry to have a relationship. A man will have to convince me. I have a concern that if I were to remarry the marriage would again fail. No one is perfect but I am concerned that there is a serious flaw in me that would cause another marriage to fail. Also I've heard that in remarriages people end up marrying the same kind of person. I think of my pastor telling me to stay in the marriage (he was in a second marriage and been divorced after 20 years in his first marriage.) I went against his advice that I did not ask for. I also hear a lot of preaching regarding how God hates divorce. The truth is I could not stay in the marriage any longer.

Good for you for leaving your husband, You tried everything possible to save it .. The fact you left when he wasnt home because you worried about him beating you ? was he abusive in the relationship?

I don't really get involved in the religious aspect but I will say I doubt that any God would want you to stay in a horrible marriage.

Have you looked into seeing a Therapist ? It's most helpful in processing your relationships good and bad.

Please be proud of yourself for leaving a very unhealthy relationship!

Did you get a divorce or did you just move out? Most religions discourage divorce but there is nothing that says you have to live together. You are still married therefore you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I do not think you have a flaw. Think about the marry-the-same-kind-of-person argument; there are two people in a marriage and you were not like your husband. So, who gets someone hard working like you? Someone who values that. I am quite sure you would be able to recognize someone like your ex-husband before you married them and the stay-at-home mother issue is not something you are interested in now anymore either; we all grow or change (in your husband's case, sounds like negatively) as time goes on. Sounds like you learned some hard lessons.

I am glad you are safe now and more comfortable.

I got a divorce. This frees me up to dating if the opportunity ever arises. Also my church has activities for single people and in order to participate divorces must be final.