[WatchingCars]

Hi, I'm Eric.

There is so much to this story it would take a year to write and I just don't feel like it. So I decided instead of giving every, emotional detail I'm going to go into what the current problem is, point blank. Just know that with what I write here, it is very emotionally driven and not easy one bit to write or explain. I've been putting it off for to long I'm sick of what I am doing and I want help. Hopefully by writing it out on here I can start to actually help myself out of this situation. Thanks for reading.
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Just a little background: I don't feel like writing it all out, it would take years and I am too tired, so this is the short of it. However I feel it is important to know this part of me which might help explain the current problem I am having.

All my life I have battled being very socially awkward and shy, and developed an extreme dislike of how I look due in part by some that have exclaimed to me that I am ugly, different looking ect ect. It has effected me to the point I avoid social interaction(especially from new people) in fear they may also point out that I am different looking. I stay away from small children, because they are extremely honest and do not know better in how things they say make people feel. I've heard kids say to someone else "hey, that guy looks funny" and get starred at. This type of thing has haunted me my entire life and killed my self esteem, also making me afraid to pursue any sort of intimate relationships(I've never kissed a girl at 39 years old) and keep myself pretty isolated although I have been improving on that and getting out more. I've also developed an extreme bitterness towards people and get extremely irritated at times. Just people thumbing for chips in a Doritos bag, can set me off. people mumbling, sets me off. Even so I crave intimate relationships, friends and to be part of something...

Which brings me to my current situation:

In my craving to be intimate with someone, to be liked and to have attention I developed a very twisted and disturbing way to get it. The short of it is I pose as a young man with a chronic illness(Multiple Sclerosis) as MS is very easy to "fake", grab a walking stick, walk a little slower, pretend to have cognitive issues and you're a person with MS. Yes I know this is not fair to people with MS or any illness and I know I am so wrong for doing that, I know, but I am here because I hate it, I want to stop it and I need some advice to do so.

Using my attention craving technique I would literally go into stores and act disabled, asking for help, having people smile at me, help me ect ect...I like the attention. In particular a couple of girls that I met at a local store. I met them about a year ago while in my "disabled form" and they have helped me all the time I went there. I personally developed a relationship with these girls, whom have partners and there own intimate relationships, however they liked me a lot and through the times we met at the store, we developed a unique relationship. I now consider them very good friends and I do care about them a lot. One has moved away, but before she did, she gave me her phone number said to text her anytime and that I better come visit her sometime(she moved a few towns away) All three of us have even went to the Fair together where I continued to deceive them into thinking I am disabled and all this time feeling so guilty for what I am doing to them as I really developed a friendship with them. Now I am stuck...

It's been over a year I still see them and text them, but I am hating myself for still deceiving them. Part of me wants to drop the act, confess to them about what I have done, but I know that the friendship would end and it hurts so much to think I'll never see them again. I thought I could tell them the truth about my mental state and that I am mentally ill not physically ill and that I deceived them. They might accept it, but I don't think they will.
Par tof me wants to just keep on going like I am and keep the friendship, but it has come to the point that I am afraid of being caught....Like when I go to WalMArt I am careful to make sure one of them is not going to see me in my true form. I had a close call once when one of them was in the isle next to where I was....I did not have my walking stick and totally not acting disabled..I had to take evasive action and get out of there before she saw me. I got lucky. Right now I am just sick of playing this game, I hate it and it's too stressful....I want to give it up, but I will lose this friendship, which is going to hurt a lot. for all of us.

This is the best I can do, please ask any questions and I guess I want to know.

Should I keep on doing this? and keep the relationship?

Should I confess to them? and hope they understand and embrace me anyways?

Or should I walk away, disappear, change my phone number and try and forget?

Either way I would like very honest opinions and I don't want to deal with being called a bastard or anything like that. I know I am doing wrong and I want to fix it, cause I can't do this anymore.

Thank you.

[Rose3]

Does the topic of your "chronic illness" come up very much now?
What might their reasons be for continuing the friendship with you? (how about if your health improved miraculously).
Sounds like you have had enough of playing the part of the ill person (you've stated that you hate it) - so sounds like you're ready for a change.