My fiancee lied to me

A couple months ago I discovered that my fiancee was hiding a relationship, with another woman, from me. When I confronted him with my knowledge, he denied the relationship existed. Then he stated she was a good friend, then he explained he had met her once or twice on business trips, then he said that she had initiated the emails and that he had been enjoying the attention. He lied a couple more times before he got everything else out. He swears that it was nothing more than an ego boost to get the emails. We ended up in counselling. It seems he was physically abused as a child and used to lie to avoid getting hit by his father. He is 50 years old. He has gone to counselling before for these problems. I have given him the benefit of the doubt and some time to work through the breach of trust but I can't seem to shake the distrust I feel. I thought I could work through this but I don't think I can get past the fact that this man has spent a lifetime lieing. I know he won't stop and I suspect he has lied about a few other things since - can't be sure whether he has or I am just overly suspicious. Has anyone ever successfully worked through something like this before or should I just end the relationship? <font color="blue"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> <font color="blue"> </font>

Wow, this man is no youngster, and you have found him in a lie! I know how hard it is to dismiss such issues with someone with whom you're involved emontionally, but please give this serious thought. Your "inner voice" is speaking to you about this. If you deny this, you may find yourself in much deep regret.
Patty

Sandipants, I lost my reply to your post. Ok here I go again,
What I'm about to say it might sound irrealistic but I have to.
Men lie and deny like is the last thing in the world to do.
Is my point of view that you have to look at the big picture, but I mean, the details included in it.
-Abused
-Insecurity
-low self-steem

I don't know you, but let me tell you, I went thru the same stuff and I counld'nt be more blunt or sincere than I am today. But he is not.
He went thru all that but he grew up lying.
Almost every men does that. For big/different reasons.
I don't want to extend myself too much.
But this is what I think and If I can be of any help I'd say thi;
Give him enough room so he can feel safe around you, don't jump to whatever you hear, that scare the crap out of the guys.
But if he still keeps that kind of behavior after you try this, I have to tell you, the ball is in your court.
Best of luck to you!
Keep us updated!

IMO - until this man is able to heal from his own wounds he will continue to use lies as a way to hide from or to avoid having someone he cares about mad, angry or upset with him.... as he did with his own father, the most important man in his life.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hi Sandipants,

Wow, I have to say that your fiancee needs alot of help. After all these years, he still? lies about things?

I'm sorry as you probably won't like what I have to say but I have your heart at interest and I think he will continue to lie until he can admit to himself that he has a problem. It sounds more like that he is sorry he got caught than that he lied to you. Am I wrong? Just be real careful as I feel he will continue this behavior!

Sorry you are going through this.

Linda

if he has lied and you cannot trust him but want to give it a grace period of however many monthes...if you still cannot trust him break it off with him. you cannot be in a relationship where you cannot trust,,
why was he going to this other woman??
theres more here...

I don't know if you still care about him? If I were you and were in love with this man, I'd try to help him anyway I could. I'd work in therapy (myself) to learn how to help keep the communication lines open and the honesty flowing. I'd try to learn ways to help him feel safe and comfortable/happy with me. I'd work to be secure in myself, so I could allow this grown man to communicate with anyone he wished, male or female and not feel like he had to lie about it (or feel like he had to tell me every detail like a little boy). My husband immediately told his ex-wife when he started seeing me. I'm quite sure, from this and other behavior of my husband's that I've observed in the last 25+ years I've known him, that I won't have to "discover" there's a problem in our marriage, we'll be discussing it right as it happens.

Sandipants,

I vote for ending the relationship, unless you like being lied to.

Hugs,

EJ